A Master’s Viewpoint Of The BDSM World

BDSM Lifestyle Versus Play

2012-02-29T13:42:00.004-08:00

What do you like about BDSM? Why are you involved? What is it that attracted you and what do you want to get out of it? Questions such as these will determine the direction one opts to take with this genre known as BDSM. As with most things in life, the answers will be individual in nature. Each person is different with goals and aspirations that are personal. That being said, the arena we are in is large enough to fit everyone.

BDSM Scenes

Most find this way of life through the imagery presented on the Internet. We all have noticed the "porn" based pictures and videos promoted by the X-rated industry. Intending to sell more of their product, the World Wide Web is flooded with images depicting the BDSM lifestyle as a sex and bondage show. While there is some realism to what is presented in that some of us implement parts of what is seen, few of us live that way on a daily basis. The truth is we have lives to live.

There are many whose sole interest in BDSM is to "wake things up in the bedroom". If one enters this arena for the main purpose of enhancing the sex in one's relationship, then that is the answer the person is seeking. Many utilize BDSM for role playing and some of the other fetishes offered. These people seek nothing more than play and should not be considered in the "lifestyle". However, they should not be degraded for their decisions either.

At the same time, there are those who engage in BDSM for the "scening" only. What this means is the person wants to be involved in non-committed power exchange scenes. Some will utilize the services of a professional while others will attend munches or clubs where this activity is commonplace. Again, the sole purpose is some short-term satisfaction usually, but not always, on a physical level. Even those who follow this course for some emotional or mental benefit do so on a limited basis.

Please hear me when I tell you there is nothing wrong with adapting aspects of BDSM for play only. This is a wonderful way to enhance one's sex life and if things got a bit stale, BDSM is a way to liven things up. Bondage, power exchange, and impact play are done by millions of couples even without the foreknowledge that they are involving themselves with BDSM. The goal is to follow whatever makes one happy.

BDSM Lifestyle

The word lifestyle is a term that I never truly liked. Nevertheless, it is fitting in the sense that it denotes those people who have a deeper commitment to this way of life than just scening. When I look at BDSM, it is not a lifestyle I chose as much as it is my life. This is what I live each day. I do not awaken and opt for a dominant role but, rather, simply fall into it. Interacting with one who is submissive is natural to me because of what is within me. This is not something that is created or developed as much as it is uncovered. It took a while and was a bit of a process. And it is something that most who pursue this path deeply undergo.

To me, those who choose this as a lifestyle have a power exchange relationship at the core of their lives (or desire one). This is a distinction from those who want to add a little spice to their lives. Many are perfectly content with a relationship based upon equality. However, those of us who found our way here realized at some point that was not for us. A dominant wishes to have the power tilted in his/her favor while a submissive is desiring that same dynamic. While the areas that power exchange pertains to varied from each person, the common ground with all is that it exists.

Another thing that I noticed is the level of commitment that people have to this way of life. Now, I will admit that not everyone is an advocate nor willing to engage in behavior that promotes the lifestyle as a whole. However, because of the Internet, we seem more and more people voicing their opinions about matters that are important to them. There are now patches of people all over the world who hold BDSM in high regard and are willing to defend it against the nitwits out there. More of the abusers are being challenged and brought to light by those who take things seriously. This is a positive sign.

BDSM is about respect. It matters little whether one is hard core into the lifestyle or just one who likes some light bondage. Every person has a place as long as they are respectful of others and what we are about. Sadly, this is not the case for many in the online world. Yet as time passes, people are learning the tricks of these nitwits. With information and knowledge comes protection. This is a positive sign for the genre overall. So, if you are interested, enter into our world and explore whatever strikes you. It is an open arena for anyone to try.

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Safety 101

2012-02-26T16:25:00.003-08:00

I am going to revisit a topic I wrote on extensively throughout the years but is certainly worthy of reviewing. Sadly, it seems that most do not believe or understand the magnitude of what transpires. It is because of this that many have a tendency to put themselves in a position to be harmed in a tremendous way. As always, I will keep using this pulpit to try and spread the sane message even if few are listening.

It Starts With You

Safety is a personal job. Many feel content to turn that responsibility over to the Dom/Master. While I acknowledge that this is where it does fall, the truth is that many are not worthy of this responsibility. In other words, they do not have the skills nor makeup to operate safely. For this reason, a sub or slave needs to assume full responsibility for safety until the other person exhibits the ability to handle it. To skip this step is perilous.

I was roaming around a forum on one of the sites that is often frequented by the pretenders, wannabes, and dregs of this lifestyle. This exercise is always a reminder how difficult it is when dealing with the online world, especially for submissive women who are truly interested in learning more and going further. It is an environment that is wrought with dangers at every corner. Pain, and not the enjoyable kind, is certainly in the future for most. My hope is that it is only emotional and not something more serious. Of course, we all know the stories that end up in the papers.

One of the threads I came upon was written by a know-it-all. Naturally, the inclination is to believe this was a dominant person exhibiting his "superior knowledge" of the lifestyle. It was not. The topic was titled "I am not stupid" and was written by a female submissive who is just asking to be destroyed. Her attitude shows that she has all the answers.

The basic gist of what she wrote was how she tired she is of being told by others (older men mostly) to be careful when pursuing some of her fetishes. Without going into them specifically, she was into some things where she could be harmed greatly if not careful. Of course, the warnings of others was only met with resistance since she was convinced she researched her particular likes and knew what was going on. This "know-it-all" is a predator's dream.

It is important to remember that no matter how careful one is, the BDSM world, especially the online world, is wrought with great dangers. Even the most experienced of us are apt to get "taken" periodically because it is human nature to believe the best in people. We sincerely want to think that the person on the other end of the chat is exactly whom he or she claimed. Sadly, in more than half the instances, that isnt the case. More times than not, the person is either a fake, liar, or outright misguided. Countless stories exist representing this reality.

Therefore, when dealing with the online world, take every precaution that is mentioned. All of the suggestions that are posted are worthy. You can never be too careful.

Psychological Damage

Much is written about behaving in a safe manner when doing a scene. I will attest to the importance of physical safety in all we do. It is best to interact only with those who are knowledgeable about a particular fetish. If one is not experienced, hopefully he or she is willing to train under the guidance of someone who is. This is how one attains the proper ability to act safely.

As important as physical safety it, I believe that looking for the psychological ramifications is crucial. Too many overlook this aspect especially when they are involved with someone long term. The tendency is to get complacent and use the knowledge of the other as a means of predetermining limits for each situation based upon past results. The truth is that people vary day to day meaning that taking this path could cause a lot of pain.

I find that safety often means backing off. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from time-to-time. What do I mean by this? As I mentioned, individuals have their good days and their bad ones. Subs/slaves have those times where they are really into a scene. It is under these circumstances where one is able to move towards or past certain limits. Of course, there are also those days where this person is not "on". Perhaps there is something emotional going on. Or it could be that mentally she has some barriers that cannot be overcome. Whatever the reason, in these instances, a dominant needs to be attentive to the fact that he or she might need to pull back. Sometimes less is more.

It is the same as exercising. We all had those times when we went into the gym and we were "on". In the end, we felt as if we had the best workout ever. At the same time, there were those days when we could not get anything accomplished at the gym. Those are the days we are "off" and basically trudge through a workout.

So what are the implications of moving forward when a sub/slave is not able to. One the surface it might not seem like a big deal. In fact, that person might be okay with what transpires. However, on a deeper level it is possible to cause damage. When one is pushed more than he or she is ready to accept on a given day, the possibility exists for things such as trust to be lost. A sub/slave needs to fell completely safe with the one serving. Betraying him/her by behaving in a manner that is contrary to one's best interest hits a person deeply. This is just one example of how being ignorant to this can affect one psychologically. Of course, there are many of things to be mindful of that I will write about in future posts.

The bottom line is that bruises heal. Cuts will close up. But when you harm someone psychologically, that has the ability to be imprinted deep in the psyche. For this reason, psychological safety needs to be at the top of every dominant's list. This is the most basic thing we need to do.

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Sub versus Slave

2012-02-23T06:00:00.006-08:00

As I make my rounds reading different posts, I am always intrigued how so many have different ideas about the most basic of definitions that we utilize in this lifestyle. Sadly, it seems that people use terminology that fits their purpose. While this is okay on one hand, it does create a great deal of confusion when people are posting these things. It is always important to remember that newer people are reading the words without the ability to filter the information out.

Individuality

I will start by saying that people are free to establish their relationships however they see fit. There is not a template that everyone needs to operate from. BDSM is about individuality and personal creation. Ultimately, everyone is seeking fulfillment. That is an end which can only be derived through internal investigation. We all tick in different ways. Determining one's likes and dislikes is a major part of the process. Many of us learned that reality is not always as good as the fantasy or vice versa. However, the only way to uncover this is to look at ourselves and see what fits us.

At the same time, there are many who limit their BDSM activities to the bedroom only. Again, this is something that is perfectly acceptable if it is agreed to by the participating parties. Not everyone is cut out for full fledged 24/7 TPE. Many only want to approach the BDSM world to enhance their sexual play. These people need not be degraded for their choice or because they prefer to operate in a way that might stray from how others are behaving. The adage "different strokes for different folks".

Terminology

Now that we have the individuality aspect explained, it is time to look at the terminology we use and why it is important. Words represent images to us; they are pictures in our mind. We think in this manner and the terms we use convey the specific image. For example, when I mention "ice cream sundae" a specific picture arises in our mind. The same is true for the word "dog". Thinking is nothing more than this.

When terms are not understood or their meaning clouded, then the thought process is interrupted. Understanding comes from the ability to take a word and transfer it into a picture. To emphasize this point, notice your throught process when I mention the word "letto". What images came to mind? I am going to surmise that most of you drew a blank. This term means nothing to you since it is not in your vocabulary. Therefore, it is impossible to focus upon this with imagery. However, if I told you that letto was Italian for bed, now you are able to create a picture for the word.

Submissive

A submissive is someone who turns over power. This is the plain and simple idea of what occurs when one submits. Certainly, as was expressed in the individuality section of this post, this can vary amongst people. Some people prefer only to cede power in the bedroom. Others are more apt to be attracted to a 24/7 TPE situation. Either way, the bottom line is that the submissive grants power to the other person.

Which brings up an important point that is worthy of mentioning. BDSM is based upon consensual agreements. The lifestyle has little tolerance for anything that is non-consensual. The only way a submissive can lose the power is to consciously choose to give it to another. He or she selects whom this will be and under what circumstances. Now I will grant that are instances where submissives are so in touch with their core that they cannot seem to do anything other than obey. Nevertheless, this person still has the ability to opt out of anything that is occurring.

Submissives fall into two categories: subs and slaves. These are the terms we use. Again, since we think in pictures, we need to distinguish what this means. And, I am going to make some statements that people will find offensive. Tough. There is enough bullcrap spread online that if you want someone to agree with you, there are plenty of places to find that. This blog is about clearing up misinformation.

Sub Versus Slave

All slaves are submissive but not all those who are submissive are slaves. I have seen those who claim to be slaves yet also say they are not submissive. This is completely false. If one is not submissive, then one cannot be a slave in the BDSM world. Here is why: if you are not submissive, but you are involved in slavery, then that is not consensual. If you are made to do something and operate in a relationship where everything is forced upon you, that is not BDSM. Non-consent and forcing is nowhere under the definition of safe, sane, and consensual. Quite frankly, this is a form of abuse.

At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub. Of course, many take exception to this statement. Sorry Chicos and Chicas. The title of slave is something that is to be honored and, in my experience, very few have the ability to achieve. Sadly, the term has been watered down by all the 20 year old neophytes online who claim to be slaves when, in fact, they are nothing more than brats looking for a free ride.

Another important matter as it pertains to power, is that it can have limits as long as it is defined. What do I mean by this? There are many types of slaves who operate with complete power exchange within prescribed areas but retain their autonomy in other areas. A slave is involved in a 24/7 TPE relationship with all power in all areas belonging to his/her Master or Mistress. But what about the other types of slaves such as domestic, financial, or even sexual? My feeling is these people are worthy of the title "slave" in these specific areas as long as one gives total power. For example, a domestic slave is willing to obey completely all instructions regarding affairs of the household. However, in many instances, sex is not included in the arrangement. A domestic slave is not a sex slave because the interaction is limited to specific areas where control is complete. The same is true for a financial slave. In this scenario, the Mistress (usually since most financial slaves tend to be male) has full access to all things financial. The slave simply obeys and goes along with her decisions.

Now, we contrast this with a sub. This is a person who can negotiate or place limits upon what goes on. At the same time, submission is done on a daily basis, instance by instance. A slave makes the decision once to submit and that obedience is expected in each situation. Someone who is a sub is not bound by that initial decision.

Hopefully you can see why a slave is such a difficult thing to be. It requires a mindset that you exist solely for the person you are submitting to. While your preferences might be considered, there is a chance that they matter little and are not taken into account. Masters (Mistresses) all have different ways of operating. A slave has to have the willingness to be able to accept the decisions that are set forth upon him or her. This is not an easy thing to do.

Sex Slaves

I would be remiss if I did not touch upon sexual slavery. Go to any BDSM "dating" site and you will find many profiles of women (mostly) stating they are sex slaves. Now, before going any further I am going to state the majority of these people are not sex slave but, rather sluts looking to be used in many different ways. So be mindful of that the next time you see the cute 23 year old "sex slave".

As was mentioned, to attain slavery, there needs to be a total exchange of power. Are there people who attain this and operate under this premise? Most definitely. They are ones who are worthy of the title "sex slave". Simply put, as it pertains to their sexuality, everything is in the hands of their Master (Mistress). No sexual power or decision-making is retained. It is an absolute transference of power.

Now, let us look at our online sex slaves that are so common. Are they willing to go to this end and achieve sexual slavery? They claim that they will do anything thus entitling them to the term. Nevertheless, before granting that, let us consider a few more questions for our aspiring sex slave who will do anything.

-Are you willing to suck on me no matter where my dick has been and what is on it? Ass-to mouth and post menstrual oral sex are the decisions of the Master, not you.

-Are you willing to do anything or anyone? I might decide I want you gangbanged or to have sex with a homeless guy. Oh, and that 320 pound, sweaty hairy guy from next door, he is on the list to use you. Again, not your choice.

-Under the same heading as doing anyone, you ready to have sex with your sister (and before any of you try to hit me with the illegality aspect, in the U.S., in many states, incest is only present when vaginal or anal penetration occurs)?

I can go on but you get the point. Many claim to be a sex slave but when confronted with some situations that are not so attractive, the idea is to back off. A slave does not have the choice to back off. Her submission was complete when she made it. It does not vary from situation to situation. If this is present, then one is really a sub. Hence our sex slave is exposed.

One final note: for some reason many people think that not being a slave is somehow less than being one. I do not know where the idea that being a sub is a demeaning thing. There is nothing wrong with being submissive and living in a D/s relationship. Most people want specific boundaries and to retain a certain amount of control to ensure personal fulfillment. Plus the issue of trust is difficult for many people (in addition to so few people meriting total trust). Therefore, I will category state that there is nothing wrong with living as a sub. It does not make one less than anything and in no way should ever lead to the demeaning by others. We are all here trying to find a life where we can be fulfilled. Few are designed to live the 24/7 TPE existence. Taking a path that leads to your own happiness should never be attacked by others. It is your life to live how you see fit.

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Spirit Versus Reality

2012-02-20T08:13:00.008-08:00

Today I am going to delve into an area that I have yet to mention to much on here but requires further exploration. So many tend to confuse the spirit of BDSM with the actual boundaries established. With this, the idea of freedom, or lack thereof, also gets mixed up in the process. I see this take on an added level when we focus upon the M/s genre. How is one to know what is play versus reality?

Reality

Before going any further, I am going to categorically state that all I am writing about here is void of the idea of play. This topic is for people who are serious about a BDSM relationship and all that goes along with it. For those who are interested in playing, this isnt as applicable since that viewpoint carries a beginning and an end with established boundaries. In other words, once the scene ends, things move back to their previous state.

I write how important it is for one to be completely in touch with reality. Those who lose site of this tend to open themselves up to being hurt. There are many who do not have noble intentions and are apt to take advantage of one who looks at the BDSM word as some type of fairy tale. The truth is that reality always hits us sooner or later. Therefore, it is best to keep our eyes open and remain mindful of all our options.

The simple fact is that slavery is illegal in most developed countries. M/s is built upon the premise of complete power exchange that is agreed to by both parties. The consensual part removes it from the field of abuse. However, it does not make it legal. Holding a person against his or her will is a criminal act. That is reality.

Therefore, you are free to leave at any time you wish. A "Master" can claim that you are to remain, yet the law says otherwise. At the same time, you, as an individual, are free to call the authorities if activities infringe upon your basic rights. For example, many seem to feel that because they submit, then anything goes. I encountered one who was told by her Master that he could abuse her because she was owned. Not true. A call to the cops would result in a nice domestic battery charge. Being a Master does not entitle one to beat the snot out of a slave. Again, the consent does not make it legal.

The "Spirit" of BDSM

When we look at the "spirit" of BDSM we find an entirely different situation. Everything we discuss about this particular lifestyle is based upon this concept. To me, those who are able to succeed in this way of life understand this premise and operate accordingly. Those who do not, tend to be "passing through".

Again, I will utilize M/s as the premise for my discussion. When you look at living in a Master/slave situation, the fact that it is illegal in reality is only part of the equation. The other aspect that is worthy of note is the fact that this is a consensual relationship that is agreed upon by both parties. It is something that each wants resulting in a complete exchange of power. This is the structure chosen for the relationship and from which all interaction occurs.

It is at this point that things can get dicey. Even though one does legally retain his or her rights, in a M/s relationship, the spirit behind it is that they are given up. A slave has no rights other than what is granted by the Master. So while the law says one thing, the spirit of our lifestyle says another. This is the dual dichotomy that is always in operation and needs to be navigated.

Operating Sanely

The words we use can alter the meaning of something greatly. In this post, I have applied the terms reality and spirit to make a distinction. However, the truth is that both are not the best idea to use as a barometer. In reality, whether something is illegal or not has no bearing unless the law is involved. Consider the fact that sodomy is still illegal in more than 30 states yet anal sex occurs almost everyday in each of these areas. Of course, there is a world of difference between consensual sodomy and non-consensual which should require no further explanation.

Therefore, I feel it most important to behave in matters that are sane. When one is engaging in an activity that is consensual and safe, then what private individuals choose to do is of no concern to anyone else. However, when the sanity is removed and one is dealing with a danger, that is when reality needs to take over. Safety starts with the individual. Taking care of oneself is something one always needs to be mindful of. Even the most experienced Master can slip up periodically. Unfortunately, my experience is that insanity is far more common than sanity.

So, this is where I find the line is drawn. When one strays into insane behavior that is in putting one at risk, it is completely within a slave's rights to protect him/herself by saying "I am outta here". One does not have to put up with a lunatic. Abuse is not a part of the BDSM lifestyle and one needs to do all he or she can to stop the situation. This is a reality.

On the other hand, there are many BDSM relationships in which the parties are sane. At these times, the "spirit" of our lifestyle is the prevailing tenet. Everything we discuss in terms of rules, protocols, and acceptable ways of conduct apply. For example, a slave cannot leave a M/s relationship, she needs to be released. This is in keeping with the spirit of power exchange. Therefore, to up and leave a relationship which is non-abusive shows one to not respect the lifestyle and prefer to operate in ways contrary to what we are involved in. Again, while he or she is exercising a right that always exists in reality, this person is violating the spirit of the lifestyle which holds things together.

Always remember that these two aspects of the lifestyle are always in play. When there is sanity, let the spirit of this way of life be your guide. However, when one crosses over into the asinine, exercise your rights and exit that scenario quickly. There is no room for abuse within the BDSM community and, regardless of what some idiot says, you do not have to take it.

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Abuse And BDSM

2012-02-11T07:15:00.000-08:00

It is a fact that many use BDSM as a cover so that they can engage in their abusive behavior. Many seem to think that being involved in this lifestyle entitles them to behave in any manner seen fit. At the same time, there are those who equally believe that it is their place to take "whatever is dished out". As you will see, both counts are completely false.

Consent Is At The Core

At the core of all aspects of this lifestyle is consent. Nothing should ever be undertaken that was not previously consented to. This is the fundamental premise upon which all interactions needs to be established. Anything to the contrary is taken unfair advantage of a situation and another.

BDSM contains some pretty extreme behavior. One of the most wonderful aspects of this lifestyle is that pretty much everything is on the table as long as it is agreed to. This is the caveat that many people seem to miss.

We see the abusive outlook arise when we move further down the path into the M.s genre. Here is a relationship structure that is ripe for mistreatment. The basis of complete power exchange leads one to believe that once submissive is granted, everything is acceptable. Again, we see many operating under this misinformed outlook.

Nobody Wants To Be Abused

In short, people do not want to be abused. This appears to exist as a universal trait among the human species. Certainly there are a few out there who have psychological issues where they crave harmful abuse. However, most reasonably sane individuals do not want this. Even those who love pain want it done in a safe manner.

A dominant is always responsible for ensuring that all interactions occur in a safe and sane way. Of course, this entails only entering those areas that are previously agreed upon. This takes on a more important meaning when the interaction is more casual such as in a munch setting. Since the personal knowledge of the individual is lacking, extra steps are needed to ensure that limits are not inadvertently passed.

At the same time, one who decides to submit to a particular scene is not agreeing to any and all behavior. This reminds me of situations I saw in the swinger scene. Just because one agrees to screw half the guys in the room, that does not mean she is agreeing to screw you. No still means no. I see the same logic applying here. Simply because one opens him or herself up to being used by another(s), that does not mean the same permission is necessarily granted to you.

We can also see this same idea applied to a relationship. For example, a lover of pain will desire intense beatings. However, that does not mean that he or she wants to be struck with a closed fist. The difference between a slap and a punch is self-evident. Of course, that is not to say that a closed fist shot is abusive if both parties agreed to it as part of their interaction. For a dominant to cross this line without discussing it with his/her partner, that is entering into the abusive arena.

Another aspect I want to touch upon is sexual. There are some who prefer to "share" their submissives with others. This is a concept we often see in the M/s realm since, again, the power tends to be more absolute. Again, to determine if this is acceptable or not requires us to look at the structure of the relationship. If the parties agreed to complete power exchange where whatever decision is made is acceptable, then we see that this is something that is agreed to through the submission. While some will find this completely distasteful, I encountered many who love to be used in this particular manner. Simply because something is distasteful to one, that does not make the behavior inappropriate. As long as the parties feel it is within the context of the boundaries they established, then I do not feel abuse is occurring.

The one caveat to this is if a dominant forces a submissive into a behavior that is illegal and can have ramifications from the law. A submissive always reserves the right to say no to any behavior that can lead to legal trouble.

Trust

The essential component in all this is trust. For those who enjoy extreme BDSM behavior in their relationships, inevitably, time was taken to establish great trust between the two parties. A sub/slave needs to know that the other person is intent on acting in his/her (submissive's) best interest. If one consistently forgoes safety, then trust break down rather quickly. And, as we all know, trust is much harder to reestablish.

As I mentioned, M/s is an aspect of our lifestyle where things can get fairly extreme (at least to those looking in from the outside). Too many believe that the submission from another is all that is required for the relationship to excel. Sadly, submission is something that grows with time. And, in my experience, it travels parallel to the degree of trust that is developed. One will not continue forward when another is consistently doing things that he or she deems abusive. Not considering the state of one under your control is a great prescription for destroying any relationship that might ensure. Just because a slave agrees to submit to you, that is not a license to do whatever is desired. There are still basic parameters of acceptability. And, when anyone is nearing an area that might be considered abusive, communication needs to occur.

Remember, BDSM offers the freedom to do just about anything. What many consider abusive, we experience as everyday practice. The difference is that consent is required so as to not enter into the abusive realm. Once that consent is given, enjoy yourselves to the maximum.

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Goals In BDSM

2012-01-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

Self help and productivity experts all over the world profess the value of goal setting. The mantra is "it is impossible to get somewhere without first knowing where you are going". Obviously, there is great truth to this statement. Repeatedly, those with a clear vision of what they hope to accomplish ultimately arrive at that destination. This is remarkably different than those who opt to just "float through life" hoping to arrive at a place where they can enjoy life. Without going into details, many qualities pertain to this place which result in the fulfillment of a particular individual.

BDSM: A Microcosm of Life In General

It is always amazing to me how so many people enter the BDSM lifestyle believing that somehow they were transformed into something resembling the Twilight Zone. For whatever reason, these individuals feel that the basic laws of life are no longer valid upon entering a BDSM relationship. Obviously, there is a vast difference in how one operates in the BDSM world as compared to the vanilla lifestyle. Nonetheless, most of what was learned in the traditional realm is equally applicable.

If our lives resembled what we see in BDSM videos, then I might be persuaded to retract the aforementioned statement. However, since I know for a fact that most of us do not live in this manner 24/7, I will stand by what I wrote. The truth is that we operate within the traditional realm on a daily basis. How we choose to structure our relationships is a personal choice. Yet, this does not absolve us from interacting with other people within our community and workplace. At the same time, we know that none of us are protected from the regular problems of life. Financial, health, personal, and family are just a few of the areas where, periodically, we suffer. The approach to these situations has little to do with our chosen lifestyle. Ultimately, life is just life and we are fortunate to partake in it the same as everyone else.

The bottom line is BDSM is just a microcosm of life in general.

Where Are You Going?

Getting back to the original idea, goal setting is an exercise that answers the question: where are you going? It is something that people from all walks of life engage in. Certainly, we see the advantage to it in sports where the desired result is a championship. Business often sets sales and productivity goals as a means of laying a path for people to follow. At the same time, people, in their personal lives, establish things they would like to accomplish while on this planet. In all these situations, goals are a tool utilized to provide clarity in an uncertain world.

So, my question is how come people in the BDSM world do not do the same thing? In other words, how many of you have clearly defined outcomes in certain aspects of the BDSM lifestyle? From my interaction with others over the years, I can state that it is very few. Most people simply have the goal to be in a BDSM relationship (to live TPE, 24/7, be owned/own, etc...). While this is a wonderful starting point, it barely suffices.

I believe part of the problem is that most people want to jump from novice to expert immediately without realizing there is a progression that takes place. For instance, just because someone claims he or she is a slave, that does not mean the individual is ready to live as one today. The same is true for those professing to be Masters. It takes a while to attain competence in either of these areas. Yet few seem to realize that, at least initially.

Goals will help one to develop and grow. BDSM is a wide and varied lifestyle with many aspects that stray far from the norm. Those who safely engage in some of these practices spent years learning and studying what it is all about. While this might seem obvious, the idea that is missed is that this individual, at some point in time, make it a goal to enhance the skill set in this area. Without doing some, and committing to it, one would have nothing more than a passing fancy.

Therefore, I challenge everyone to establish goals as it pertains to your BDSM life. If you havent done so already, write down what you want. Are there areas of play that you are interesting in pursuing? If so, get it on paper. What skills do you need to acquire or are required in another person to make this happen? Questions such as these allow you to expand upon the present mindset of "I want a relationship" or "I want more out of my relationship". The idea is to get specific. What is it that you want? I maintain that a BDSM relationship can only happen after an internal search is undertaken. This is a method to get you to look inward to determine what will lead you to fulfillment. Gaining clarity will help you along the path because you will have an idea of exactly where you are going.

And that will put you ahead of most people on this planet who are just floating along waiting for the next thing (whatever that is) to arise.

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Submissive Without Esteem?

2012-01-13T15:13:00.000-08:00

A healthy self esteem is an attribute that is crucial for success in life. One only need to go to the self help section of any bookstore, read the titles, and you will realize how much emphasis is placed upon this single quality. From our esteem stems most of the actions we are capable of taking. Without going into the dynamics, it is our foundational core. Therefore, it is something that everyone, bdsm or not, should look at.

Fear And Its Ramifications

Fear is something that those who lack a healthy self esteem suffer from. People who allow fear to be their dictator end up being ones who view themselves poorly. Of course, this most likely is a subconscious thing since most people will claim to like themselves. But do they when you really think about it? Watching their behavior, I conclude they do not.

When we discuss fear, it is crucial to remember that it can manifest itself in many different ways. Most equate fear with being scared. While the "horror flick experience" is one form of fear, there are hundreds of others. Characteristics such as guilt, worry, anger, resentment, and arrogance all have their basis in fear. Ironically, one tends to exhibit fear in one or two ways repeatedly. Therefore, it is imperative to identify the manifestation and tend to the underlying problem.

Control

The problem with fear is that, when experienced, it puts us instantly into a state where we are out of control. When our mind is racing with all the possible outcomes in a particular situation, and none of them are good, a person is apt to feel a sense of complete loss. Those who are driven by fear do not feel like they are in control of anything. And, they are correct because they are not even handling their own emotions.

In the BDSM world, control is something that we spend a lot of time discussing. This is only rational since the basis of all BDSM relationships is some type of power exchange. In other words, control is not divided up on an equal basis but, rather, in a slanted manner with one assuming most, if not all, of the control. This is a voluntary exercise on the part of both parties meaning that consent is present. However, is one really capable of giving up control without a healthy self esteem?

Topping From The Bottom

The ability to submit completely to another is something that requires a very healthy self esteem. Contrary to the ignorant opinions of many, being submissive does not equate to weakness. In fact, only those with a good self worth have the inner fortitude to hand power over to another without fear. Naturally, we are going under the presumption that the proper time was spent getting to know the other person and sizing up whether he or she is worthy of submission.

I see so many who find the BDSM lifestyle believing that it is the answer to all of his/her problems. While I acknowledge that this way of life is fabulous for those who are designed for it, the truth is that life is not without issues. And, for those who enter it after being miserable failures in all other areas of life, the result is the same: more failure. My belief is many of these people lack the basic self worth to succeed in a BDSM relationship, or any other for that matter.

A person with low self esteem is driven by fear. As I mentioned, one of the things a person in this situation feels the need to do is to regain some control. This is because fear strips control away instantly. Therefore, a person will assert him or herself wherever possible to stem the lack of control.

Hopefully, you can see the conflict that one of this sort has when trying to submit to another. Ultimately, when one does get into a BDSM relationship, he or she starts to top from the bottom. This is a phrase which means trying to instill control when taking on a presumed submissive position. Rarely is one forthright in the approach since the power structure is clearly defined. However, tactics such as being passive/aggressive or whining are often employed to try to get one's way. The esteem is so lacking that one cannot submit to another without reservation.

This fact is clearly visible when our submissive is dealing with people other than his/her dominant. As you can guess, our low self worth individual has the overwhelming need to control. Hence, all interaction with someone which normally would be on an equal basis becomes another power exchange. The only difference is the submissive is assuming a dominant role. Control is what he or she craves. It is the only way to suppress the fear. Of course, in this instance, the control is an illusion which means further loss of control.

In closing, only a person with a healthy self esteem is capable of succeeding in relationships. Confidence is a quality that allows one the ability to allow others to operate how they see fit as long as it is not affecting him or her. A submissive needs to be confident in him or herself before getting involved with another. Therefore, a person who lacks a healthy self esteem is not submissive. Instead, he or she is just plain scared.

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When Protocol Forsters Weakness

2012-01-10T06:11:00.000-08:00

Protocol can be a wonderful thing that really enhances our experience in different areas of life. While it can be called many things, the term that is most often used is "traditions". Many organization and individuals adhere to different traditions. It is a way to remain in touch with the past, promote ritual, and foster an atmosphere of comfort. However, I see a downside to protocol especially in the BDSM world.

Protocol is a form of Dogma

Personally, I am one who detests dogma, especially when it is blindly swallowed as fact. Individuals and institutions have used this single mechanism as a means to control and enslave people throughout the centuries. The powerful manipulate it as a means of instilling their beliefs upon others. One only needs to look down through the ages to see how this was accomplished.

The main problem with dogma is that it suppresses individual thought. People who blindly adhere do not take the time to inquire as to the validity of the beliefs they hold to be true. Obedience is the main virtue and those who stray from the norm are ostracized. Being a free thinker leads on to living as an outcast. Fortunately, for the powerful, these people are few in numbers. Most blindly follow the dogma being delivered without question.

Protocol in the BDSM World

Obedience and control are words that are often used in the BDSM world and it would make sense that including something that fosters this is helpful. However, my feeling is that before one is obedient and controlled, he or she needs to be aware of what is going on. Dogma does not offer this option. When one is "forced" to adhere to what is presented without any thought as to its practicality or benefit, that is when one is in a dangerous position. Safety is something we are always concerned about and few realize the peril that goes along with turning beliefs over to another.

Therefore, it is beneficial to be mindful of what protocols we have and how we adhere to them. Are they a bad thing? Not necessarily as long as those who are partaking keep them in the proper perspective.

For example, there are all kinds of protocols as to how a sub should address a dominant. Many people take this very seriously and are highly offended if someone does not show them the proper respect. To me, this shows an extreme insecurity on the part of the dominant. Why would someone get offended if someone did not show the proper respect, especially online? My only conclusion is that individual has tied a lot of his/her esteem into the title or position that was created in the mind. The truth is people behave in many different ways and if one ties his/her worth to how others interact, it is going to be a depressing existence.

Another point that I want to make is in the area of laziness. Protocol is helpful in that it offers a structure of how to proceed. We see this in the BDSM world with the Gorean philosophy. There are many protocols which were written that can be helpful as an outline of how to interact with others. However, I feel the danger lies in focusing too much upon the protocol to the point where one, namely the dominant, becomes lazy and indecisive. There are many instances in life where the works of John Norman simply do not offer answers. Each relationship is different and based upon the individuals involved. To claim there is a certain way to do things in all instances is harmful and dangerous. A dominant is responsible for determining the direction of the relationship at all time. Good decisions making skills are crucial. In my opinion, those who rely completely upon pre-written protocol are weakened. They lose the ability to be creative, decisive, and confident.

And this is where protocol can become a weakness.

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A New Beginning

2012-01-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

Today is January 1st. This is a day, in the U.S., that is traditional for college football (although they moved the games to Monday this year). It is also a time where the "slate is wiped clean" and we all get a new beginning. The year ended is past with new dreams and ideas to look forward to.

Change

Change is not something that most people embrace. However, it is the one true constant in life. The truth is that nothing remains the same. Life, in its essence, is a continual flow. It is mandated by the laws of nature which operate in a cyclical mode. New seasons push the old out. Winter is replaced by Spring which is cast aside by Summer. Each "death" is replaced with a new life.

Another fact about change is that one can either actively pursue it (i.e. plan for it) or get run over by it. Few people ever take time to consider this reality but it is something that is worthwhile to mention. There is a town by me that opted to adopt the later strategy when dealing with the change called population growth. It is something that has completely taken that town by "surprise" resulting in a chaotic mess. Poor planning led to absolute turmoil. The same idea holds true in each of our lives.

BDSM Is Not A Removal From Life

As I repeatedly write, BDSM is not a lifestyle choice that allows one to remove him or herself from the realities of life. Too many approach it in a manner of escape as opposed to moving forward. This disconnect results in much frustration when the truth emerges. We, whether in a traditional or BDSM relationship, have to interact with the same life issues as everyone else. Death, sickness, heartache, financial concerns, and career situations are just a few of the circumstances we encounter. Entering this lifestyle does not remove responsibility from your plate.

For this reason, the lessons that are taught for "life management" equally apply in the BDSM world. If you want to have a sensational year, it is best to plan for it. It is easy to allow the daily grind to interrupt our progress forward. Now is a good time to remember what is important to you and keep it at the forefront of your mind in terms of priorities. Taking people or things for granted is part of the human condition. Sadly, this often harms those that are closest to us.

Each of us elected to pursue this lifestyle for our own reasons. Getting reacquainted with those is important. BDSM is the most honest and truthful way to live for those who are cut out for it. Whenever a person is being true to him or herself, the result is a fulfilled life.

Remember The Cycles

Life is nothing more than a big circles. We are born and then we die. At first we aren't here, then we are, and then we are not. As mentioned, the seasons come and go. However, the basic characteristics of those do not change. And, we are fortunate to see them come around again.

At the basic level, there is nothing new in life. In terms of human behavior, it all was done. For those who have a few years behind them, I am certain you can see this in your life. We, as humans, tend to repeat the same behavior. If it is a helpful action, hopefully we keep doing it. However, we often find ourselves in the situation where we keep making the same mistakes over again. This is not a healthy practice to continue. Learning from our past is one of the most beneficial abilities on can adopt. The cyclical nature of life ensures this. Alter how you do things if you want them to get better.

We do not know what the future holds. But if we are observant and proactive in our planning, we will find that we do have influence over the quality of the experience we have on this planet. I hope everyone approaches 2012 with this in mind and that you all have the best year thus far. The world is our oyster so it is time to play.

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Being Fit...Very Impactful

2011-11-15T12:07:00.000-08:00

The Internet has done a wonderful job promoting the imagery associated with the BDSM lifestyle. While much of it is fantasy based, it is safe to say that sites like kink.com captured the imagination of many people. The idea of being part of a dungeon scene, for example, is attractive to many people. Concepts such as these are developed with the intention of grabbing people in this manner. Of course, most of these sites want to sell their videos but, nonetheless, the impression is made.

Physical Imagery

BDSM videos contain a great deal of imagery. I am a believer that this is one of the reasons why they sell so well. People are seeking the fantasy in their lives. At the same time, I also believe that what goes on in our heads can also be achieved in our lives. Thus, people can carry out many different aspects of the BDSM scenes they see in movies. The only caveat is that safety needs consideration at all times.

I see so many online who are simply out of shape. Why is this important? My view is that the imagery that attracts us online will also be helpful in a relationship. In other words, people respond to what they see and the more one can mirror the image in one's mind, the more effective he or she will be.

There are a lot of dominants out there who are physically weak. They have bodies that were created by Dunkin Donuts as opposed to Gold's Gym. Their level of exercise is none. Instead of taking care of themselves, they sit on the couch and stuff their faces. Yet, these same people claim to be in control. How can that be if one cannot even control what he or she eats? Of course, I will issue the disclaimer so as not to offend those who do have medical conditions which prevent weight loss. Anyone who fits into this category needs to follow the proper medical care. However, since reports have the obesity rate reaching the majority of adults, I find it hard to believe all of them suffer from this condition.

Getting back to the subject at hand, the reason why I feel it necessary for a dominant to be mindful of his/her body is because of the assumption of the position of power. In all honesty, do you think a submissive will respond more to one who is visually built like a Greek God or one who is 150 pounds overweight? In terms of the imagery, he or she will respond to the one who is better built.

Now, that is not to say that all of us can get a chiseled body. Nevertheless, almost all of us can do those things which will improve our physical appearance. Walking will take off a few pounds while increasing our cardio ability. This improves endurance during a BDSM scene. In all, it makes the experience more pleasurable for a submissive.

At the same time, it is equally as important for a submissive to approach things in the same manner. Getting back to the videos, how many of them do you see with women being suspended who are really overweight? The answer is very few. Again, the image presented is an ideal that we all can strive for.

The health benefits of being in shape are too numerous to list here. However, the point is that one who takes the time to get him or herself in better physical condition will be more effective in the search for others. Also, the pride in taking care of oneself, whether dominant or submissive, shows that you are a person worthy for one to get involved with. The impact that one has with a finely tuned body is outstanding. Consider this the next time you put on that leather vest. Imagine how your sub/slave will respond if it covers a barrel chest and tight abs.

Emotional Control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person's behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always "calm, cool, and collected". We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually "walking on eggshells". This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

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Protecting Oneself

2011-11-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

Safety is something that everyone needs to be concerned about. It is the number one priority that each person, whether submissive or dominant, needs to have in their life. BDSM contains some dangerous aspects. Couple that with the fact that the online world is full of vultures and one soon realizes how easy it is to put oneself in a difficult situation.

Craziness

It is sad to say but some people are simply crazy. This might seem like an over-reaching statement but it is something that I find completely true. While most online people might not be ready for the sanitarium, they definitely exhibit behavior that is neurotic.

I recently read an online post by an individual who mentioned his play date. In it he discussed how himself and the other individual chatted online and agreed to meet for a weekend together. He drove up and dominated this individual. After spending some in person time together this individual stated that perhaps they weren't compatible, and while they had fun, it was best to leave it at that. Evidently the other person was understanding and compliant with this. It seemed everything ended on a good note.

Here is where things get wacky. A couple of days later this individual received an angry email from the other one mentioning how badly he hurt him. To further the damage, he spread rumors around the site they met on and threatened to go to his work and expose him.

As you can see, this is a play date that went bad. Here is an individual who is evidently dealing with some mental issues. To go from an agreeable parting to vile anger in a couple of days shows something is amiss (of course we are presuming what the poster is relating is accurate-but for example sake it works). This is a person who is emotionally unstable in some capacity.

Safety On All Levels

Safety is often only mentioned in the physical sense. Many write about how to properly hold a scene and ways to engage in risky behavior while preventing injury. These are worthwhile tips and all of them should be followed. Nevertheless, there are many other ways that one needs to protect him or herself.

I find that submissive people are in a quandary regarding safety because it goes counteractive to the goal that is sought. A submissive person aims to give control over to another. This puts him/her in an extremely vulnerable position. In effect, the safety of this person becomes of the responsibility of the dominant. While this is rightly so, many will not uphold this responsibility which can cause tremendous damage.

Therefore, it is the onus of a submissive to protect him/herself from harm. This is counter intuitive to the submission process but a vital step until all facts are brought into the open. Many are too quick to entrust someone who is ill-equipped to handle the responsibility. Therefore, one needs to ensure safety and cede that trust slowly. A BDSM relationship is not a sprint as much as a marathon. Moving forward at an unacceptable pace is what causes injury (or worse).

It Starts With You

One of the levels where safety is paramount is psychologically. As a dominant, one needs to be ever mindful of the state of the person that he/she is dealing with. Some simply are not mentally equipped to deal with some of the things we do in the BDSM world. For whatever reason, they have not dealt with some past issues which will preclude safely moving forward.

Of course, this brings up the question: are you one of those people? This is where the onset of preparation begins. One protects oneself by tending to those mental/psychological issues that stem from past events. For example, if you had sexual or physical abuse in the past, be sure you received the proper therapy or counseling so that these events do not enter into any future endeavors. Those who fail to do this tend to have flashbacks and other occurrences which create harm. While a dominant should look for signs that point to this type of behavior, one cannot be sure that this person will be able to safely navigate this troublesome area. Ergo, it is best to handle the situation oneself and remove the potential pitfall.

The same concept applies to a BDSM scene. I always suggest only playing with someone you know and has the ability to safely engage in whatever activity you are proposing. Many have been injured (or killed) because a scene went awry. While it is the dominants responsibility, again, this is something that cannot be counted on. A submissive should remove him/herself (or use the safe word) as soon as something appears amiss. Personal protection is the only way to go.

Does this mean that you, as a submissive, will never enjoy the freedom of turning it all over to another? The answer is no. Trust is something that needs to be earned. Knowing the ability firsthand of who you are dealing with takes time. Through your interaction together, you will see how much he/she applies some of the concepts we discuss here. If the person behaves in a manner that is safe and sane, one is apt to give over more. This is the natural process that takes place. Through the feeling of comfort and safety, a submissive can free him/herself of much of the burden. However, I cannot stress enough that this is something that has to occur only after a great deal of talking, interacting, and personal experience with one another. It is not something that can be shortcut.

Remember, your well being is at stake.

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Self Growth

2011-10-31T14:39:00.000-07:00

Self growth is a multi-billion dollar industry. Millions of books, tapes, and seminars are sold each year to people seeking to better themselves. While not particularly advocating any method in particular, I will state that self improvement is something that we all should try to excel at. Life is a continual process and those that succeed are the ones who are able to learn from the trials and tribulations of life.

BDSM offers a unique view into this realm. Few ever take the time to consider the reasoning that goes into choosing this lifestyle. People who ultimately elect to follow this way of life do so only after considerable searching.

Pain As A Motivator

There are two reasons why people do anything: to either gain pleasure or avoid pain. This is an important tidbit to understand when one is looking at motivation. And, of the two options, pain tends to be the more powerful motivator. People will claim to do things for virtuous reasons. However, in most instances, pain will be the instigator that creates change.

We see this concept in detail when we look at the plight of people who suffer from addiction. No matter what the substance, alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling, food, nothing really happens until one reaches a "bottom". In this instance, bottom is another word for pain. One begins the road to recovery only when he or she cannot tolerate any more pain. Of course, there are many reasons to get better before this point. However, the pleasure (usually in the form of logic) does nothing to sway a person in the throws of addiction. It is only after the confrontation with total loss and that pain associated with that where one can take the steps to progress forward.

Pain In The Traditional

Everyone who is involved in BDSM encountered enough pain in the traditional realm to make themselves question it. This is the onset of the process of self growth. Those who question what is occurring have the ability to overcome. Contradict this with those who blindly swallow whatever is served up to them in the form of dogma. The best example of this is the idea that society sells us on what "normal" is. From a young age, we are taught what relationships are too look like. Of course, it is inferred that anything that goes outsides the bounds of what is presented is not allowed. At the same time, we are told this is the path to happiness.

For those of us who arrived at the door of this lifestyle, it is easy to see how we found the traditional lacking. It is not uncommon for one to have multiple relationships that ended in complete failure. In many instances, the main problem was not the individuals involved but, rather, the fact that one was trying to live in a way that was ill-suited for him or her. The pain associated with this caused one to begin to question the instilled belief system.

BDSM To Self Actualization

The internal questioning that is started with this realization is often the start to a lifelong process. BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask "do I like this?". Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 6+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to "miss the forest through the trees". Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one's life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.

Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

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The Multiple Game

2011-10-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

We all know there are many games that are played online. Hell, even in real life people are apt to do things that will make your head spin. Having a strong ethical base seems lax in this era and those who are genuine tend to suffer because of it. Of course, the online world has made it ripe for those individuals with less than ethical intentions to excel. So, how are we to navigate through it all.

Understanding What Is Happening

The best way to succeed in this realm is to understand what is taking place. Few are able to create something that is so novel that nobody has seen it before. The trollers all tend to do the same thing regardless of the time and place. Those of us who are online for the last 5 or 10 years witnessed the same tricks being played repeatedly.

Ultimately, it is best to have reservations about anyone you are dealing with online. Until some form of traditional communication is implemented, I would suggest being leery of whatever is told to you. The bottom line is that no matter how much you investigate someone, there is really no way to know if what they are telling you is the truth until you are in front of them (face-to-face). Sure, there are some who are open online, but I would say that is the minority. The majority tend to have ulterior motives.

Multiple Game

A common situation I witness is where a person tends to play the numbers game. Also known as the multiple game, a person of this ilk tends to interact with a large number of people in his/her quest to find what is desired.

Before going any further, I will caveat to make the point there is nothing wrong with "casting a wide net" when prospecting for a Master or slave. The traditional world also sees this technique used when dating. As teenagers, we are taught to go out with different people and not to fall for the first one who comes along. At this stage in life, it is healthy to be carefree and open. Of course, when we find someone we believe suits our needs, then we get a bit more serious.

The same is true in the BDSM world. Anyone who has success his/her first foray is extremely lucky. This is a rarity and everyone should resist the temptation to believe it is the norm. If you are interacting with your first Master or slave and believe this is "the one", remember that it is likely to fall apart in the near future. This is simply how the statistics work out.

One who is playing the multiple game goes above and beyond the traditional "seeing what is out there". This person tends to be dishonest in the sense that he or she continues to interact with many in a way that gives the belief that something more will develop. It is not uncommon to learn of a person who has 5 or 6 Masters. Obviously, most, if not all of them, believed they were the only one she had. At the same time, it is also noticeable to see one progressing deeper with a few different people long past the point where he or she should have made a choice. Ultimately, someone gets hurt in this scenario.

Openness

What is the solution to the above mentioned problems? Simple. It is openness. The BDSM is one of enormous flexibility. If you look around, you will see every imaginable scenario being lived by people. There is nothing new that anyone can uncover. We have people who are poly, sexually open, monogamous, threesomes, foursomes, communal living, fetish based, sex buddies, etc... Whatever you desire, it is out there for you.

HOWEVER, that does not mean that everyone you will encounter is after the same thing. This means that one will have to choose at some point. Many interactions soon fade because people do not share like interests. Having similar BDSM likes gets old if there is nothing else. For example, if one loves the tropics but has a Master in Northern Canada, that might create an issue at some point. Often the obvious is overlooked.

Those who play the multiple Master or slave game are not trying to narrow things down to find what he or she desires. Instead, this person is stringing one (or more) person along. It is impossible to serve two Masters. In many instances, unless one is openly setting up a poly household, it is not feasible to have multiple slaves. This two scenarios magnify if one tries to transition anything into real time. Ultimately, the truth comes out and that is where pain is incurred.

Anyone who is open about themselves will not have an issue in this arena. It is perfectly acceptable to chat/talk with a few different people. Nevertheless, when one progresses to the point of mentioning relocating, of putting forth a greater commitment, or somehow taking the relationship to a deeper level, I believe it is only prudent to be open about what is going on. Anyone who is still playing the multiple game at this point is showing him or herself to be nothing more than a troller. The inherent dishonesty associated with this action leaves one to completely without trust. This is not what a genuine person does.

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Being Adult

2011-10-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Why do I title this post in such a way? My reasoning is simple: because too many people, in my observation, enter the BDSM world in a manner that is only befitting of a child. Their behavior, both online and in person, is abysmal. For this reason I figured I would deliver the message that it is time to grow up.

Miserable Failures

I see so many who come upon this way of life after being complete failures in their traditional lives. This stands to reason since most all of us are here because the vanilla world simply did not suit us. However, there is a percentage of our population who take this even further. In addition to being ill-equipped to deal with parity-based relationships, they show a complete inability to deal with life in general. And this is where the problems arise.

BDSM is not an avenue of escape. Too many determine this lifestyle offers the chance to rid oneself of responsibility. After having so many relationships (platonic in addition to sexual), our new dominants and subs conclude that BDSM is a way to shun all the problems. Of course, anyone who has any sense of practicality knows this is not the case.

Failure quickly ensures for people who take this approach. I see many "slaves", as an example, who proclaim on websites that they are looking for a Master "to take care of them". Certainly, any true Master knows this is par for the course. However, the slaves in question believe that being taken care of equates to a complete lack of responsibility. Any slave who feels he or she does not have to behave in a responsible manner or that feels everything will be removed from him/her are of no use to anyone. A good slave has many responsibilities that are assigned to her. Therefore, to conclude that the life of a slave is without onus are setting themselves for a harsh reality check.

Pragmatic Versus Fantasy

Part of being adult is being pragmatic about things. Certainly, it is a healthy exercise to dream, set goals, plan for the future, and, yes, even fantasize. However, these have to be balanced with a pragmatic outlook. Life is not lived solely in compliance with emotions nor does logic total rule. There needs to be a blending of the two to succeed.

We see those who arrive at sites online with the fairy tale outlook upon life. To start, they are thrilled to have found something that strikes a deep cord within them. I can appreciate this. I equate this initial realization to the feeling of finally coming home. My personal story attests to this. Nevertheless, the nirvana does not end there. Suddenly this individual "meets" someone online and, thus, begins the whirlwind love affair. Our new person goes from being excited to completely illogical in a matter of a few days. This is where we see the posts proclaiming love for the Master or slave forever.

In most cases this is purely fantasy and we usually see things peter out in a matter of a few weeks. In most instances, the truth does eventually emerge; the other individual was not exactly the person he or she proclaimed to be. This is commonplace. Anyone who looks at things pragmatically understands this and exercises a degree of caution. Only a child runs out into traffic without looking. Adults knows that a certain amount of investigation and relationship building is necessary before proclamations can be made. Over time, wonderful relationships can emerge that start online, but they take time and effort to develop. They also require the use of traditional modes of communication such as the telephone and in person visits. Without these, one is "falling in love" with words on a screen. Who knows if they are even real.

18 and Over

The final piece that I want to touch upon is the fact that we deal in a lifestyle that is adult in nature. Many people seem to miss this point. Instead, they behave in a manner that is befitting the bingo parlor. The fact is we are adults and discuss issues that are not meant for immature ears.

I am always amazed at how easily people are offended. The BDSM world, especially online, can have a bit of the wild west feel to it. In other words, almost anything goes. There are many different outlooks upon life and the lifestyle, thus increasing the chance you will encounter those who do not agree with your views. In addition, many people focus their attention upon sexual issues, oftentimes in great detail. If words such as cock, cunt, pussy, and ass offend you, perhaps heading back to match.com is a good move for you. Many sites require that you click that you are at least 18 years of age since the topics are adult oriented.

Another aspect to the Puritan outlook we often see pertains to sex itself. I am equally astonished how uptight some people are even when claiming to be in this lifestyle. There are many different aspects to BDSM and there will be some things that arent for you. However, just because it is not your flavor, that does not mean it is disgusting or perverted. That is the mentality that many of us are trying to get away from. Judgments, while always present, are to be kept to a minimum. There are people you will encounter who are into things you can only imagine. Every walk of life is represented in BDSM and some people live in completely outrageous manners. That is their business. If you dont want to have sex with a roomful of people, that is your choice. Nevertheless, be adult when dealing with someone who does (or did) and leave your ideals at the door. It is their life just as you have yours.

In closing, try to approach how we live in befitting of an adult. This is not Romper Room even those many of us does have a room full of toys.

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20 Things I Realized In The Last 30 Days

2011-10-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

These are realizations or reaffirmations that I made in the last 30 days....

1. If one pain slut is good...two are better.
2. There is no other place in the country that I want to live other than Florida.
3. Electrical play is really exciting
4. My shower isnt made for three people but we managed to make it work.
5. I feel a lot better when I dedicate myself to my workouts and put forth top effort.
6. I really will not miss the NBA season
7. The Mets sucked this year.
8. I really dislike the Yankees
9. Saving a dollar is equal to a $1.40 return when investing
10. The 'Peter Principle" is continually being proven
11. It is easier to accept people for what they are than try to change them
12. A telephone cord leaves the best marks on a submissive
13. Plans become more realistic when a deadline is placed upon them.
14. We only get one life...so use it how you see fit.
15. Worrying about what other people think and trying to please them is like getting financial advice from a broke man.
16. People most often go bankrupt $20 at a time
17. Closed mindedness leads to mental bondage
18. Society is a big fat liar
19. The most important value is freedom...sadly few realize this until they lose it
20. BDSM will penetrate every area of your thinking and, thus, your life if you truly embrace it.

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Obedience Is The Key

2011-10-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

What is the foundation of every BDSM relationship. At the core, it is the exchange of power. This is what separates the BDSM interaction from the vanilla world. We do not partake in equality but, rather, establish our relationships upon an unequal footing. This is the essence of power exchange. And, at the core of that, is obedience. Without obedience, the BDSM dynamic completely falls apart.

Consensual World

We operate in a lifestyle that advocates consent. It seems ironic given when we use terms such as bondage and slave that consent is at the heart of all we do. Yet, without this, we simply are engaging in abusive behavior. Consent is what makes it a viable alternative to the vanilla world. Most do not want to turn to a lifestyle where they are abused. Instead, they are attracted to BDSM as a means of fulfilling an inner desire within themselves. Of course, to get to the depth that one wants to achieve, consent is required.

I see so many who demand obedience without earning the right to do that. This is a tactic the pretendesr use quite often and the newer people tend to fall for. Obedience is at the core of BDSM interaction. However, before one can obey another, he or she needs to be absolutely certain that the person being dealt with is worthy of that. Too many portray an image that is misleading.

Removal Of Choices

A slave yearns to have his/her choices removed. At the same time, a Master wants the directives set down followed without question. Again, in a healthy M/s relationship, this is what transpires. Sadly, few interactions fall into this category.

Decision-making is not something the population in general excels out. We are taught to be followers as opposed to leaders. This creates an interesting dynamic when one enters the BDSM realm on the dominant side. While the natural tendency to take control exists, one has to overcome an extreme about of societal conditioning before that can occur. Today, society promotes the idea that all are equal and hierarchies are bad. This goes in opposition to the main BDSM belief.

For a slave to obey, he or she must feel confident that the person making the decisions is not a lunatic. Most has suffered at the hands of another in previous relationships and, thus, have no desire to follow that same pattern. People enter BDSM seeking a change from what they previously experienced; not to replicate the same outcome.

Takes Time

Many seem to think that the submission process means that a slave agrees to submit to a Master and all is finished. This is a wonderful concept in theory but reality differs greatly. The fact of the matter is that it takes time for one to trust enough to obey completely. As mentioned, past experiences serve as the biggest hindrance since so many suffered in the past in some form. This abuse is not instantly erased from the memory banks.

If you want to see what is important to a submissive, determine what he or she is unwilling to let go of. This will reveal an area that commonly was misused by someone in the past. A dominant will cause a heap of trouble by "pushing" things in this area until he or she has established enough trust and confidence with the submissive. Many relationships are permanently scarred because the proper time was not allocated.

Ultimately, there might come a day when a dominant one needs to assert the power over the submissive and mandate compliance. I found, that when the trust foundation is established, a submissive will be happy to comply even if there is some initial resistance. This is especially true in the M/s realm where a slave, deep down, want to cede it all and be 100% dominated. Every Master should keep this in mind and work towards this outcome.

Obedience should be expected. It is something that is non-negotiable in my view within the BDSM framework. Once the parameters of the relationship are established, a sub/slave is expected to comply within those bounds. However, it is crucial to be mindful of areas of hesitation and what causes them. Consistent decision-making on behalf of the dominant one will go a long way to establishing the foundation with the submissive. It is then that obedience becomes a great deal easier.

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Infinite Possibilities

2011-09-27T05:21:00.000-07:00

I surmise that most people do not understand the possibilities that life, in general, holds. Most people live in the confined boundaries established by the conditioning of their minds by society at large. We are products of our environment and most seem to follow the same mantra. Few take the time to break free from this bondage to really consider the possibilities in their life.

Alternative Choices

Since few lack the ability to really ponder what is possible, it is no wonder that many approach BDSM with the same mindset. Sadly, since we are referring to what is commonly known as "an alternative lifestyle", many miss the opportunity to explore what is truly possible. Instead, they approach this way of life as the traditional world with some added kink. While that is an acceptable option for many, there are still others who are left woefully unfulfilled.

Before going any further, I will state that most of us do live according to many of the precepts of society. We work, engage with family, spend time with friends, and volunteer at local organizations. At the same time, we deal with many of the same issues as "normal" people. Financial, health, and family situations arise for us the same as everyone else. Entering into this way of life does not give us a pass on any of these things. Life is still life.

BDSM is all about possibilities. People are free to structure their relationships however deemed fitting. There is no "one size fits all" programs that was designed for the masses to follow. BDSM is about the interaction among people who are of a like mind. From the light to the extreme and everywhere in between, you will find people at every point on the spectrum. This way of life offers alternatives that are not presented in the traditional model.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Walt Disney created a multi-billion dollar empire by helping people get in touch with their fantasies. In central Florida, he erected a dream-like place where people could go and let their minds run free. Children (and their parents) from all over the world go to this "magical place" to experience that inner joy which is present naturally within them.

BDSM is the adult version of what Walt Disney established. However, unlike his kingdom where one left to go back to reality, we are able to engage in our natural desires on a daily basis. Our dream never stops. Each day we awaken in the place which allows us to know we are true with ourselves.

One place where I see this exemplified is in the area of fantasies. Most people fantasize about different things. We see videos the porn industry puts out and tell ourselves "I would love to do that (have that done to me)". Of course, it is a fantasy and the thought is removed one orgasm hits. M

The deal is many people believe that fantasies are meant just to be in the mind. They feel that acting out upon these fantasies somehow makes them abnormal. The mantra is "only a pervert does that". This is societal conditioning. Ideas are ingrained in us to force us to behave in certain ways. We all have heard how "good girls dont do that". So, the message is do not do that.

I have a different viewpoint. My belief is that fantasies are made to be lived out. If the mind can conceive it, why not achieve it? It must be prefaced that safety is the prime consideration. Short of that, almost anything goes as long as there is consent. If you find some other adult willing to engage in a particular fantasy with you, and it can be done safely, knock yourself out. BDSM offers you infinite possibilities.

Non-Mainstream Choices

Those who allow their minds to wander are able to formulate a life structure that is different from what the mainstream depicts. We see certain genres which lead to great fulfillment yet are viewed with disdain. The masses degrade something simply because it is "not their thing".

For example, many want to live as puppies. This is the avenue which will lead to fulfillment for this person. At the same time, a dominant who wants to own a human dog is also fulfilled. Now, my question is why should these two not engage in this behavior. If one wants to eat out of a dog bowl, go to the bathroom in the back yard, and sleep in a puppy bed, why shouldn't that be allowed? These options are perfectly viable for these two people. Mainstream says one should not live nor be treated as a dog while we say go ahead if that is what you want (what is ironic is that most people are treated like dogs by mainstream society).

We see this in all areas of our lifestyle. Puppy and pony play, daddy doms, and multi-family households are all examples of structures that mainstream does not condone. These are also natural desires that many have yet are mentally stopped from pursuing because of preconceived notions implanted by the traditional dogma. Hell, this entire lifestyle is in direct opposition to the mainstream which espouses equality. Here we have a relationship structure that is built upon a degree of inequality. Society says it is wrong, perverted, and abusive. Again, this is nothing more than a methodology meant to cut off the possibilities in your life while forcing your behavior towards the "acceptable".

Therefore, in closing, remember that BDSM offers infinite possibilities. Never seek to stunt the ideas in your mind. If you are involved with a person who has cast off the chains of societal conditioning, you just might find that your most exciting fantasies are possible. Living in a dungeon could be in your immediate future if that is your thing. Do not discard it simply because it is not what the masses promote. And this is why I feel BDSM, at its core, is about total freedom.

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How Wide Is BDSM?

2011-09-20T06:27:00.000-07:00

Newer people can often get very confused about what BDSM is and how one fits into the "lifestyle". As I often state on this blog, my feeling is that the porn industry has a lot to do with this. It present imagery that becomes the defacto mindset of what BDSM is. Sadly, this is not the case. Ultimately, what they are presenting is intended to sell videos. BDSM encompasses a great deal more than just whips and chains.

From Light To Extreme

The videos and pictures we see present from organizations such as kink.com exhibit the extreme side of the BDSM world. There are many who are involved in these activities and living happily in that manner. However, that does not mean that everyone is cut out to be engaged in extreme behavior. In fact, most, especially when new, should avoid that at all costs. It is crucial to remember the people creating those videos are trained professionals who know what they are doing and take measures to ensure safety at all times. Extreme play is not something that newer people should even consider. It is built up to over time.

But what about those who do not desire the extreme aspect of things? Often, I come across people who feel they are not suited for BDSM because of the imagery presented. What is ironic is many of them already engage in BDSM behavior.

Ask most people if they have spanked a lover or partner during sex and you will most likely get an affirmative. Take it a step further and probe to see how many of them also tied up another during their sex play. You will find that most have engage in these two behaviors in one form or another. This is BDSM.

So, as you can see, the umbrella of BDSM is wider than most think.

Acceptable Choices

It is vital that I mention that whatever choice one makes as long as it is in tune with the inner desires of that individual is perfectly acceptable. For whatever reason, the BDSM world (as is society in general) is full of people who believe that one must do things as they do. I cannot tell you the number of posts where people stated that others were "doing it wrong".

BDSM is a lifestyle choice that is encompassed in a larger thing called life. In this genre, there is no path that is right for everyone. Each of us is free to choose whatever makes us happy. Some prefer things on the lighter side while others insist on going deep with everything. There is no right way to live; only those choices which make us each individually happy.

Those who want to engage in some light bedroom bondage and leave their BDSM activities there are free to do that. And, their choice should not be condemned by others. It is amazing how many people feel that everyone in this way of life needs to live in M/s. The truth is that most are not cut out for this particular flavor. Trying to make them fit into this mode nets the same results as making a slave live vanilla. It simple does not work.

The sad part of all this is a newer person is left to feel as if he or she does not fit in because of this attitude. I often state that one way is not better than the other; just different. There are many who feel a sub is not as worthy as a slave. Others jest about the light bondage people like they are inferior. The fetish people are looked down upon by the "mainstream bdsm" crowd (now there is an oxymoron) for being weird and perverted. As we delve into the different factions, we see the irony behind their judgments.

In closing, remember that all choices are acceptable. Living as a slave is a fine option if one is capable of living in a TPE environment. At the same time, bedroom scenes, if that is what is desired, is a fine selection for many. One is free to limit or expand his/her BDSM practices. There is not a "one size fits all" program.

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Being Open????

2011-09-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

This is a subject that often arises which ultimately leads to some debate. I see many who enter into the lifestyle who want to become evangelists for this way of life. Finally, our new person found the answers to a lifelong dilemma. He or she has a Master (or slave) and all is going to be right with the world. It is time to let everyone, friends, family, co-workers, know exactly what happened. Of course, those of us who are around a little while know how this can end up tragically.

The World Is Full Of Conformists

Society teaches us to conform. That is what the dogma from a very young age is. Religion, politics, schooling, and parents all influence us as to what we are to believe and how we are to behave. Those who toe the line are the ones who are rewarded according to their teachings. The individuals who choose a different path risk being ostracized and being treated as outcasts. We can cite thousands of examples of how this takes place each day.

That being said, it is crucial to remember that BDSM is not a subject that the average person has knowledge of. Perhaps he or she saw a few images online. This left the impression that it is an abusive lifestyle. Therefore, when you tell another, the odds are the immediate thought is "what is wrong with you". At the same time, each person is conditioned to watch for those who stray from the norm. Part of society's power is it uses others as watchdogs. You stray from the path and those closest to you (parents,co-workers, friends, etc...) will instantly go into correcting mode. They say they only want what is best for you and do not want to see you hurt. Ultimately, they are seeking to exert control over you.

Non-conformity does not sit well with most people. Providing a bull-eye on your chest by sharing your decision with others is foolhardy. It is also can be dangerous for those who have children. Since society is not into understanding but, rather, condemning, it is common for the state to step in when it deems children 'at risk'. Therefore, it is vital that people consider the risks associated with being open about their choices.

Lifestyle Promotion

I see many who feel that we should be open, live how we want, and the hell with everyone else. As I just showed, this can have catastrophic results. Thus, I feel it better if people are sensible about what they do.

It would be wonderful if everyone accepted the BDSM lifestyle as they do the traditional. At this point in time, it does not so it is up to us to try and promote it the best we can. Fortunately, we have a model to follow with some of the inroads the homosexual movement made. Each of us can partake in this although the degree will vary.

Being true to oneself is what BDSM is all about. Nevertheless, being true to oneself and being out in the open are two different things. Just because one opts (for whatever reason) to keep the structure of his/her relationship private, that does not mean they are any less involved or committed to this way of life than another. I see that as a fallacy many subscribe to. Some people simply cannot or will not live openly. That is their right and we should not disrespect that in any way.

Today, there are many ways to promote the lifestyle. With the advent of the Internet, we now have the ability to share ideas in a way that previously was not possible. People can post their ideas and views without fear of retaliation since the Internet is an anonymous forum. Also, within one's house, a person can pick and choose who knows about the lifestyle choice, opting only for revelation in those instances where it might be helpful.

Of course, there will always be those who are willing to express their choices to whomever is close by without fear or concern. We need these people also. Whatever your comfort level is how far you should take things. Being open about your choices is a personal matter and one that should not be taken lightly. Do not let the pressure of others dictate what you share. Only you can see the potential downfalls of revealing your choices. Those who feel you should behave as they do are clearly showing their hypocrisy. BDSM is about living how you see fit; not someone else.

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Commitment: The Key

2011-09-08T05:12:00.000-07:00

Commitment is a quality that people seem to have lost. There was a time when people were committed to whatever they did. It was an era when "one's word meant something". Today, we see so many who have a more laissez faire approach to things. In other words, they do not want to inject themselves completely into something. This has created a culture where failure is more acceptable.

Willing To Leave In An Instant

There was a concept a couple of generations back where one had something that was termed "lifetime employment". This was a system which one could readily expect to go to work for one company for his entire career. The company was committed to the employees and rarely engaged in layoffs while employees gave everything to the company without thinking about leaving. Of course, today, we see a situation where people will leave a job without even giving notice or the company announcing a layoff of 5,000 people to save money.

Marriage is another area where a shift occurred. This institution was one which, in the past, literally meant "until death do us part". Divorce was uncommon with people regularly hitting 40 and 50 year anniversaries. However, like the job situation, people today enter and exit marriage through a revolving door. If the slightest challenge arises, "irreconcilable differences" are stated as the reason for divorce. Plus, in many instances you can take advantage of the $99 special and get out of that commitment rather inexpensively.

What do both of these situations show? In my mind, I feel they perfectly illustrate how we lack the ability to commit to anything. These are two areas which are paramount in people's lives. Who one spends time with and how a living is earned are two central pillars for most people. Of course, since there is a lack of commitment there, how can one reasonably expect to maintain an exercise program. Without commitment, we are deemed to fail in everything we try.

There Are Always Challenges

In everything we do, there are always challenges. Nothing is without resistance. That is a fact of life. For those who are continually seeking the path with no resistance, they are chasing a dream. Relationships, regardless of the level of intimacy take work. Every success is not without the overcoming of obstacles. Oftentimes, persistence is the quality that determines success or failure. This stems from the level of commitment one has.

BDSM is an environment where I see so many have the lax attitude. What always baffles me is that people look at this lifestyle like they do when shopping for a new car. They want to kick the tires a bit to see if they like it. Certainly, I am all for one researching what he or she is getting into and do believe that most are not designed to live in a power exchange relationship. However, the attitude I see is amongst the people who are supposedly "committed" to this way of life.

Commitment To The Lifestyle First

I am a firm believer that one must commit to the lifestyle before a person. This is a situation that gets reversed. It is a "cart before the horse" idea and ends up with tragic results. If one is not sure of his/her level of commitment to this way of life, then any interaction with another person will lack the necessary commitment needed for success. And, as we so often see, when one encounters obstacles in the relationship, it ends and the person decides BDSM is not for them.

As mentioned, I do not believe everyone is cut out for a lifestyle such as this. Nevertheless, it is awful to see those who could enjoy all the benefits of BDSM toss it away because of a bad experience with a particular person. I am often amazed people take this approach here yet do not have the same idea concerning heterosexuality, as an example. Certainly, few of us stop trying to interact romantically/sexually with the opposite sex simply because our first relationship failed. The reason is because we are committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle. We were heterosexuals first and then interacted with others. Yet, with BDSM, people take the exact opposite approach. No wonder so many enter and leave.

What Does It Mean To Be Committed?

Before I go into an explanation of this, I will provide a disclaimer that I believe is necessary. There are situations encountered everyday that necessitate leaving for one reason or another. Many marriages should be ended immediately with both parties going their separate ways. The same thing with job situations. People should not subject themselves to abuse in any area of life and if that is happening, there is no reason to remain committed. There is a point in time where loyalty gets replaced with stupidity.

That being said, commitment can be summed up very easily: be willing to be successful no matter what. In other words, one has the mindset that he or she is going to do whatever it takes to make the situation successful. Failure is not an option. All action is taken with the intention of working towards the desired outcome. There is no maybe. Certainty is ever present in the mind.

This is a stark difference from how people live their lives. Most are experts at offering up excuses. They have a host of alibis ready to present even before they engage in the activity. Of course, nothing is ever their fault. Passing the blame is a national pastime. This is a recipe we see used all around us.

To succeed in BDSM, as other areas, it takes commitment. My mindset is that my relationship is going to work out long term. I am not willing to allow the challenges of life to sabotage what I am developing. Fear is something that is present within everyone and, left unchecked, can overtake a situation completely. Commitment is something that enables one to overcome this barrier.

Blind faith or senseless optimism is not a valid approach. However, when one is aware of the situation after doing the proper research or diligence, it is helpful to have the committed outlook. Success and failure both start in the mind. Those are willing to do whatever it takes to make a BDSM relationship(s) successful are apt to do just that. This is a major contrast to the one who is willing to sever things as soon as something difficult comes up. Many of the reasons for ending relationships can be overcome with commitment. It is a tool that few consider but is something that can make all the difference. Consider it.

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Fantasy Versus Reality

2011-09-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

We have all met people who tend to not be firmly grounded in reality. In many ways they are of benefit to society because they are the dreamers of the world. Nothing great was ever accomplished by a conformist. It is always those people who stray from the normal mode of looking at things who discover things that were not seen before. This goes for inventors, adventurers, researchers, business people, and, even, parents. Doing things differently requires one to 'break the rules'.

Fine Line

As with most things, there is a fine line that one must walk. It is a constant battle when one navigates the tight path between genius and insane. While most seek to operate at the genius level, when breaking from the traditional, it is easy to fall into the insane. It is very easy to lose track of reality.

We see this all the time in the BDSM world, especially when we focus upon the online community. One does not have to travel to far to discover some unsuspecting new person who is completely disconnected from reality. Perhaps he or she read a science fiction novel and believes that is the basis for living as a slave. Or, it is probable that some of the imagery of the porn industry is fresh in that person's mind also leading to a conclusion that this is how the lifestyle is. In talking with these types of individuals, it is easy to see how disconnected from reality they are.

Of course, that does not mean that there are not attributes of the fantasy world that cannot be implemented. We all fantasize to one degree or another. Within the BDSM community, it is common for these thoughts to exist for both sexual and power based activities. Fortunately, as I see it, this is a realm which does allow us to pursue our fantasies in a safe manner. Nevertheless, this cannot be confused with reality.

Dealing With People

BDSM is a microcosm of society in general. Many people seem to think they are exiting the normal realm when they enter this lifestyle. This is not the Twilight Zone where one steps into another dimension. Life is still life. And, because of such, everything we do is nothing more than an exercise in dealing with people.

This is a concept that is often lost, mostly by the online crowd. Ignoring the total fakes for a moment, it is important to remember that the entity on the other end is a person with feelings. The fact that the Internet is so impersonal leads many to forget that one's actions will have an effect. The things we do and say have the power to harm another. I cannot stress this idea enough.

I often write the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship' is the word relationship. It is easy to focus upon the kneeling, whips, chains, and the protocol of servitude. However, as those of us who lived in real time know, this is only a small part of our existence. At the same time, many of the aspects of the world of fantasy are simply impractical in real life. For example, can you imagine a slave kneeling when a Master approaches in the middle of Walmart? Obviously, this might garner some attention especially if that couple has children. The same idea holds when one refers to toy collections or playrooms within the house. How practical is having that stuff around when your family visits or if small children are in the house? In my experience, few families are so open-minded to be able to see this (and I know for a fact that children services arent very open-minded about things).

Therefore, since we are dealing with people, it is crucial that one take a realistic approach to BDSM. The simple truth is that all the world's problems will not disappear simply because you found a new way to structure your relationships. Everything that we deal with, medical, financial, and family, are still present in our lives. This is reality. We also need to behave in manners that are befitting the people we are dealing with. If one makes a commitment to another, it is vital this is met. We often find ourselves in situations which decisions are made about one's life based upon our promises. To not fulfill them is going to inflict harm upon another that is outside our rights. Doing everything possible to ensure we keep our promises is another aspect of reality that few want to deal with.

Adding Some Fantasy

A central part of the BDSM lifestyle is growth. All relationships require growth of both the individuals and the couple if it is going to last long term. Again, we see some fantastic opportunities within the BDSM world for this. Since we are into many genres that are so different from the mainstream, one really has the ability to increase his or her skills.

I find that as people remain in the BDSM life, they tend to gravitate towards the more extreme nature of things. My personal opinion is that this is natural since we tend to be inquisitive folks who dont just accept what society promotes without questioning. If that were the case, we probably would never have started the search to begin with. Therefore, as we become proficient in one area, we tend to look towards other things. This is the progression of personal growth.

Does that mean everyone gets into the behavior that is promoted by the porn industry? Of course not. However, for those who are drawn to some of what they see, there is no reason why those 'fantasies' cannot be implemented into those people's lives. Naturally, safety is always the top concern but for those who are able to do so, it is a wonderful way to enhance their BDSM experiences. Maintaining a strong footing in reality while adding a bit of fantasy to one's relationship is always a healthy thing to do.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

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Domination Through Bullying

2011-08-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

All of us encountered a bully at some point in our lives. Whether it was as a kid in the schoolyard or in the workplace, the situation is always the same. Here, we have a person who feels the need to exert his/her will upon whomever is around. Typically, this person seeks out those who are weaker in some capacity. As long as the bully has someone to push around, he or she is happy.

Strength?

Many see a bully as someone stronger. I believe this stems from the fact that most bullies on the playground tended to be larger in size than the others. Because of their early development, people of this sort were able to physically impose themselves upon others. Sadly, this mindset does not leave once we exit the playground. Bullies are often people who have a physical superiority over another.

The view that this is a strong person is misguided. In truth, most bullies are as scared as the abused dog cowering in the corner. Those who truly have strength do not have to go about imposing their will upon every situation. It is a sign of immaturity when one behaves contrary to this. Bullies are weak because they choose to act like children.

Bullies do not like anyone to counter them. Whenever one is strong, he or she will eat a bully for lunch. Again, we see situations where size is of no consequence. Some of the strongest people are the weakest physically. Many of us witnessed the scene where a large sized bullying man was put in his place by a much smaller female. A bully retreats because, deep down, he or she knows that weakness is at the core. Those who have strength do not have to prove it.

Domination

One who is dominant is not a bully. The BDSM world, especially the online community, is full of people who are seeking to prey upon the weak. These people are not dominant but, rather, insecure little people looking for someone to abuse. They believe that ranting and raving is what makes one follow. It does not. This point is proven whenever this type of person encounters a person of strength. Of course, those who regularly read my writing know this person can be submissive since submissive does not equal weakness.

On my social site, I have often mentioned the rarity of dominant men who participate. There are plenty of submissive women who get involved, many of whom are involved in relationships. My question always was "where are all the dominants?". The answer came when I realized that these people did not want to be challenged. Quite simply, the online community is made up of people who prefer to use the bullying tactics as opposed to learning how to truly dominate.

A true dominant does not bully. The reason is quite basic: he or she does not have to prove nor convince another who is in control. A bully, on the other hand, is not in control. That is why he or she has to behave in such a boisterous manner. Using whatever tactics available, he or she will seek to instill fear in another so as to be able to take control. A true dominant does not fall victim to this mindset. Instead, he or she has unquestioned control in the mind which is where domination occurs. Of course, this exists simultaneously in the mind of the submissive also. This is how the exchange of power occurs. Contrast that with the bully who is unsure him/herself of who has the power. Thus, the only available route is to utilize fear.

Domination is a result of confidence. If one who is in a dominant role is uncertain at his/her core, that will emerge. The outcome is the submissive will resist following especially if that person is strong. Bullying is a sign of weakness; one who is strong will not follow a person like that. Fear is not an effective tactic to use on a person of this nature. Instead, a dominant needs to be able to lead a submissive to a desired outcome. And, this starts with being able to exhibit strength and confidence.

Remember this the next time you encounter an online bully. Those who profess to be dominant but have the insatiable need to act like overbearing jackasses are not truly dominant. They are scared little children trying to get someone to notice them. This is not what will enable a submissive to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, do not alter your desire to be strong because you feel that will be intimidating to a potential dominant. If one is truly strong, he or she will not be put off by the strength of a submissive. In fact, most true ones will appreciate that. Speaking from experience, weak people are a giant pain in the ass.

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Know Your Limitations

2011-08-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Knowing your limitations is a helpful concept no matter what walk of life one chooses. However, it seems to me that many on the dominant side of the BDSM world have not grasped this concept. Instead, they believe they can handle everything and present a 'complete package' to the world. This is not true.

The Human Condition

The human condition is something that cannot be escaped. No matter what one tries to do, at the end of the day, he or she is still human. Of course, this can present problems if one is putting forth the notion that he or she is infallible. Mistakes are a part of this equation and people need to own up to that fact. Too often, either the dominant and/or a submissive, will put that person on a pedestal. This is a situation which only establishes a downfall.

At the same time, we are all limited in some capacity. To start, human beings have to deal with the element of time. This means that one can focus upon whatever he or she selects. However, it is impossible to concentrate one's attention on everything. Like the old saying, you can have anything you want, you just cant have everything. We have to make choices based upon personal priorities about which we deem important.

Therefore, the idea that we are perfect or adept in every area is misleading. The online world makes it easier to present this image since the realities of life are often masked. Being 'virtual' enables one to smooth the rough spots by hiding behind the anonymity of the Internet. Ultimately, if something is going to progress, the truth needs to be revealed. Perhaps this is why so many opt to remain in the online domain.

Honest Appraisal

For one to be able to learn what limitations exist, first it is crucial that one have the ability to honestly assess the situation. This is where problems can arise. Often, as human beings, we have a slanted opinion of ourselves. What this means is that many lack the ability to be honest with themselves. Instead, they will 'soften' the truth. It is not uncommon for one to state "I am late once in a while" when, in fact, he or she is always tardy. The point is that we routinely need the outside assistance of others to get an accurate assessment of ourselves.

Of course, there are many glaring defects which the individual might be aware of right off the bat. For example, it might be evident that a person suffers from procrastination. In fact, this person might beat him or herself up repeatedly about the inability to overcome this issue. Either way, the truth needs to be uncovered.

Routine self-appraisal is something that I see lacking about the online BDSM world especially among the dominant ones. These are individuals who seem to believe they have it all together. It is apparent in the way they handle themselves. Oh the bravado. Sadly, this is all it is. Anyone who claims to be on this level is truly delusional.

This weekend was a reminder of my limitations. I will stray outside the BDSM environment to mention something on a personal note. My daughter graced us with a visit after some months of being absent. While on decent terms, this is a relationship which saw me as the absent parent. This has left me ill-equipped to deal with the circumstances that come with a teenager. In other words, my parenting skills are lacking a bit.

My point here is that I had to own up to the fact that I have limitations in this arena. Since I have no practical experience in dealing with a creature of this nature (and I am starting to question whether the teen years allow one to exist as part of the human condition), I had to invite the assistance of another. Fortunately, my slave went through life with a teenage girl so she has greater understanding (and patience) for what they bring. This is an occasion where I admitted my limitations.

This concept applies to all aspects of our lives. Too often, we try to do too much. This is especially true of those who are really driven. Motivation is a wonderful thing, yet it can cause one to be overwhelm. Being able to own up to the fact that one reached a limit is a healthy exercise. Those who pretend the opposite is true are dangerous people. They are the ones who tend to overstep the bounds and that is where people can get hurt. This is true either for him/herself or another in that person's care. Safety often ceases to be an ability with a person of this ilk. Keep that in mind.

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The Basics

2011-07-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

Everything in life revolves around basics. No matter what the activity, people are continually mentioning the basics. Take a sport for instance. Coaches are forever 'preaching the fundamentals'; another way of saying concentrating on the basics. Sales is nothing more than a series of basic steps that, when taken, will produce a result. And the same is true for relationships. Therefore, it is crucial that we place attention upon some of the basics of our lifestyle.

Personal Development

Certainly, where one concentrates will vary depending upon whether that person is dominant or submissive. Nevertheless, each of us has a responsibility to take the necessary steps to ensure we are continually developing. For most, this ought to take place long before getting into a BDSM relationship. I am a firm believer that most BDSM relationships fail simply because the parties involved are woefully equipped to deal with them. Contrary to what the majority of the online community tends to accept, BDSM is not a game that is to be taken lightly. While there are aspects of play which are perfectly acceptable, the truth is that this is something that can cause tremendous harm. The path of destruction left behind by the pretenders is catastrophic.

Personal development mandates that one go inward to uncover the natural qualities which exist within. This is a primary step that few tend to engage upon. Instead, they feel that having an inclination that he or she is dominant (or submissive) is enough. Sadly, it is not. One needs to reveal where that quality lies and how it affects his or her life. What decisions are made from this? How does it manifest in other areas of life? Is it something that was repressed for decades or does it emerge on a daily basis? What is required to generate fulfillment knowing this quality exists? These are all questions that are basic in nature with answers which are fundamental to the success of a BDSM relationship.

Once the qualities within oneself are uncovered, what is an individual willing to do with this new found knowledge? Reading, learning, and practicing are crucial elements to mastering any craft. BDSM is a lifestyle that differs greatly from the mainstream. Thus, a new set of skills are required if one is going to approach things in a safe manner. One needs to have the motivation and desire to spend the time required learning about the different facets of the lifestyle before putting anything into practice. As I mention umpteen thousands of times, safety is always our primary focus.

Another area I feel is part of the basics of the lifestyle is the psychology behind the structures we establish. Power exchange carries with it a great deal more than just physical manifestations. There is a series of psychological needs that are to be met by each person. One who is willing to delve into this area will be able to understand what is required by each person thus increasing the chance of BDSM success.

Relationship Development

Much of what I am going to write in this section is not solely applicable to the BDSM world. Anyone who deals with relationships will mention that they require work and that both parties need to commit to making the relationship grow. Healthy relationships will grow over time as each person is working on him/herself while dedicating the proper effort to the overall interaction. Sadly, since the percentages of relationships that end up in 'splitsville' is high, it is obvious most people do not engage in this behavior.

BDSM adds another element to this entire process. Since there is an exchange of power to some degree, the dominant one is responsible for the direction of the relationship. Thus, the submissive lacks some of the ability to decide what areas are focused upon for growth. At the same time, depending upon the structure, i.e. M/s, he or she might be dependent upon the Master/Mistress for authorization to seek personal development. Of course, my viewpoint is that this should always be a focus of the dominant one; growth of both individuals is what a BDSM relationship is all about.

As the parties interact, they will opt to experiment with different things. It is helpful if one person is experienced so as to approach things safely. However, in situations where both are relatively new, it is important that attention be paid to things such as safety, technique, and aftercare. Over time, the interaction of their BDSM play will expand and grow. Each will become aware of the limits of the other (yes dominants have limits also) and know to stay within those confines. Their interaction becomes more natural as the knowledge between the parties grows.

Also, qualities such as trust, dependence, and openness emerge in a healthy interaction. Again, these are things which are the result of putting in effort. Many seem to think that these are overnight developments; they are not. It takes time for one to peel away some of the connotations to past events and be able to move forward. Lack of trust is a common trait of those who were harmed in the past. A true Master or Mistress will dedicate the time to providing a forum where a person can develop. Of course, dominants often have trust issues so the reverse is true also.

Obviously you can see there are many different areas where there are 'basics'. It is similar to baseball where there are fundamentals to hitting, throwing, pitching, bunting, fielding, and sliding. Each are a part of the game and required if a team is going to be successful. The same holds true in a BDSM relationship. There are basics in the area of psychology, scening, communication, personal development, and interpersonal skills all which have an impact upon the success or failure of a BDSM relationship. Those who are willing to concentrate attention on these areas will enjoy a greater amount of fulfillment and success.

Remember, the most important part of the term 'BDSM relationship' is the word relationship.

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Dominating From Fear

2011-07-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

I often write about the tendency for people to use fear as a tactic for domination. Of course, this is not domination to me but, rather, domineering. People of this ilk tend not to know what the lifestyle is all about. Being a bully is not dominating yet many seem to think this is how a relationship is run.

Weakness Versus Strength

To properly dominate, one needs to come from a place of strength. Many enter the lifestyle believing that simply because he or she has a natural tendency to dominate, that is sufficient. This is completely incorrect. Often, those who fall into this category succumb to the need to use fear to control. My belief is because this is the only emotion they really are intimate with.

Anyone who comes from a place of fear is showing weakness. When fear controls our decisions (i.e. lives), then that person is continually beaten. Fear is an awful Master. To properly dominate another human being requires strength.

Domination is a quality that is placed in many naturally. However, simply because the quality exists does not mean this person is able to control. As I often point out, the process of dominating begins with oneself. If one has no control over his or her decisions, feelings, and actions, then how in the world could that person expect to effectively control another?

Those who take the time to battle fear have the opportunity to operate from a place of strength. Learning the psychological and mental aspects of domination enables one to move away from the fear-based tactics. Nevertheless, this can only result if the individual is able to manage his or her own fears. This truly is what separates the true Masters and Mistresses from the pretenders.

A Hundred Forms

Fear can manifest itself in hundreds of different forms. We are all aware of terror, dread, and anxiety. However, it is important to remember that fear emerges in other ways. And, the psychiatry profession hands out scripts like Pez to combat this single emotion.

The greatest impact fear has is in the area of self confidence. Those who do not manage fear and allow it to dominate the decision-making process tend to have esteem problems. Fear is a relentless attacker who delves into the psyche taking more and more. The result, after decades, is a person who is completely enslaved.

Of course, when we focus our attention on the BDSM world, we can see how a person of this design has a difficult time controlling another. He or she is naturally going to operate from a place of fear since that is what is known. This means that the only technique utilized is fear. Those without self confidence cannot effectively dominate. It is that simple.

I will caveat by saying that those who approach this lifestyle with the intention of learning and understanding will, proportionately speaking, have better esteem than those who come from the place that "I am a natural dominant". The reason is that "know-it-alls" are simply covering up the fact that they do not know. It is impossible for anyone to know everything. A person with healthy esteem can admit this. Yet one with low confidence cannot own up to this because he or she believes others will think less of him/her. It is absurd but this is the thought process.

Cockiness is another sign that a person lacks the proper self confidence to dominate. Again, we see a person who appears one way while actually compensating for an internal lack. This is obvious in the abusers who feel the need to bully another. Anyone who studied psychology at any basic level knows exactly what this person is doing. Sadly, most succumb to it because they does not have this knowledge.

Therefore, the key is to find the person who is confident without being arrogant. At times this can be difficult to distinguish. However, with some practice you can pick up on the motivating factor rather easily. A confident person will make a statement without the need to continually defend. He or she will maintain a consistent demeanor regardless of the situation. Ultimately, a person of this nature understands that he or she will be able to transcend the present circumstances. This is confidence. He or she does not have to convince you with words because ultimately the actions taken will win another over. A confident person carries a demeanor that says "I am in control of myself first and foremost". This is a far cry from that of the cocky person who is busy telling everyone how great he or she is.

Remember this the next time you encounter a supposed dominant online. Ask yourself, is this person coming from a place of confidence or cockiness? The answer will reveal a great deal about the person.

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Trust: Trusting The Wrong Person

2011-07-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

We talk about trust a lot in the lifestyle. Of course, when referring to relationships, it is natural that this topic is covered. We all know that without trust, there is not much of a relationship. It is one of the fundamental blocks of a healthy interaction. Each person needs to trust the other.

Being Gun Shy

I recently came across a situation that reminded me of what can occur. We write a great deal about the pretenders in an effort to warn people about the games that are played. The reason this is done is because people of this sort can cause tremendous damage. Sadly, it is something we see all the time.

What happens to a person after he or she gets hurt by someone of this nature? Naturally, one is going to become a bit gun shy when approaching the next interaction. Of course, this is not only applicable when dealing with pretenders. There are many experiences from people's past that can cause them to have this outlook.

Trust is a fragile thing which is easy to break. Anyone who was cheated on when in a monogamous relationship knows this intimately. While the other person can attempt to make all the amends in the world and swear it will never happen again, there is always that thought in the back of one's mind whenever the person leaves the house. Unfortunately, this experience will carry over into the next relationship also. How many of us have been accused of cheating without merit? Often, that is just the other individual's old experiences emerging.

Wrongly Trusting

Many will assert, after experiencing some of the things I just mentioned, that they cannot trust anyone. Their belief is that trusting is their problem. It is not. The actual truth of the matter is this person has a problem with trusting the wrong person. Trust is a healthy and natural concept. It is something we do from the time we are young. It comes natural to us. However, when we trust the wrong people, they tend to let us down. This causes us to establish walls as a way of protecting ourselves.

It is never wrong to trust. The problem arises when one trust someone who is unworthy of it. This is where people get themselves in trouble. Using the pretender as an example, here is a person who is clearly (after the fact) incapable of providing what was stated. Thus, trusting this person is a mistake. Of course, things are a lot easier in hindsight. Nevertheless, life is lived in the present and decisions are made without the future knowledge. The challenge is to learn to spot the warning signs ahead of time to avert dangerous situations.

In closing, do not believe that your ability to trust is a problem. It is not. Where you need to focus your attention is on being more selective about those who you do trust. Trusting the wrong person can never lead to a positive outcome. However, don't give up the idea of trusting. Those who wall up and do not trust tend to become old and lonely people. We all were burnt at one time or another. The only way to succeed is to hang in there and get back in the game. Over time, we learn to pick out those who are trustworthy. That is our ultimate end.

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Forced Time

2011-07-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

I write quite often how time is an ally in the online world and that it is the one defense someone can throw up against the trollers and pretenders. People of this sort detest taking time to get to know someone. There outlook is to move quickly. Anyone who is new to the lifestyle can counterbalance this approach by slowing things down. Many will find that the pretenders lose interest quickly. Of course, those who are real understand this and are more apt to welcome this alternative.

Meeting Local People

As I travel around the 'Net, I read a ton of profiles in an effort to gain insight into what people are doing. One of the most common attributes of those who I would consider truly seeking is that a person be local before contacting him or her. This makes total sense since I am a proponent of the idea that BDSM is a face-to-face lifestyle. Even after all these years, I find the concept that a power exchange relationship can truly occur while separated distasteful. There is just too much evidence that supports the notion that people are going to lie and cheat. But, then again, that is an ageless battle which can be approached in another post.

The desire to interact with someone local is a wonderful idea and a good way to narrow down the 'field' in an effort to find what one is seeking. However, this can create a problem when one is dealing with someone who is desperate or in a position of weakness. A person in this situation tends to want to move forward, usually out of fear. This act tends to counteract the fundamentals which are required for success in a BDSM relationship.

Time is an ally when dealing with the trollers. It also is a required element that is needed to delve deep into a power exchange relationship. Those types of interactions are based upon trust, compatibility, knowledge, and genuine emotional investment. These qualities take time to develop. In other words, there is no way to shortcut this.

So, when we have someone local, the tendency is to meet for coffee or dinner and then hop into the sack. This occurs after a few emails, instant message conversations, webcam sessions, and, perhaps a phone call or two. While not opposed to open sexual lifestyle (hell I live that way myself), the problem is that this takes things to a different level without the proper foundation in place. Also, many mistake the fact that because one is good in bed, that he or she will make a good Master or slave. The transition from bedroom to other areas of life is a big jump; one most cannot make.

Long Distance Relationships

The alternative to finding someone local is to get involved in a long distance relationship. This is something that is distasteful to many but an idea I embraced over the years. For those who are genuinely seeking, it is a viable option as long as one understands the terminology and is clear in the concepts I am going to cover.

Long distance and online relationships are two different things. There are many who seek online only as a preferred way of living their BDSM life. To me, this opens up the opportunity for the dishonesty and lack of trust that was mentioned before. Usually people in this fold tend to be married or involved with someone in a vanilla setting which means they are looking for some online role playing. This is a viable option for those who are into this genre but it is not a suitable replacement for real live interaction. The problem arises in the fact that one party is typically seeking more but settles for some temporary online games.

Online only will never develop into real time. It is also a means which the traditional modes of communication are ignored (for the most part). When dealing with someone online, getting to truly know that person is not of interest. Since the relationship is never going to develop, the idea of establishing grounds of compatibility, trust, and emotional interest is not necessary. The only thing that matters is the present moment and the interaction now. Nothing more is going to develop.

Long distance is a totally different concept. To start, the idea is to move forward into something more. In this situation, each party is aware of the desire for something greater but understands the present geographical and logistical situation. This is something that is desired to be overcome in time but the participants deal with the reality of the relationship as it is in the present moment.

Unlike the online only deal, people involved long distance are interested in getting to know the other person. Moving things to a deeper level is wanted by both parties. For this reason, the traditional modes of communication are utilized. Things such as phone calls, the postal system (i.e. letters), and in person visits are applied. One seeks to know the entire person and what he/she likes. A true relationship is sought.

Forced Time

Long distance relationships offer a couple of advantages over local ones. One of the biggest things is that, being open to the approach, creates more opportunities to meet someone who fits your needs. It always amazes me how few people in the local area (mine at least) are true 'lifestyle' people. Just like online, there tends to be a lot of the same antics at the munches. While this might suit their needs, it does not meet mine. Therefore, I had to be open to expanding my search.

As many of you are aware, my present slave came to me from the UK (United Kingdom, not University of Kentucky). There was 5,000 miles and an entire ocean between us. Fortunately, it was a situation where the logistics could be resolved in time. However, it took almost two years to get to that point. This is where the forced time was our biggest ally.

My slave visited me almost two years after we started interacting online. We used whatever methods were available to us over that time. While having never met in person, we talked on the phone (internet), sent packages back and forth, and really got to know each other. Thus, when we met in person, we knew a great deal about the other person, what was desired, and how we matched up. It was impossible to omit that stage of our relationship development since the distance necessitated that we approach things in this manner.

Personally, I believe many who I encounter online would be better served if they went in this direction. No matter how much I write and warn people about it, people still want to move ahead with their relationships at warp speed. This is where they end up getting hurt. I am never surprised when these situations do not work out. Of course, I speak from experience here since I have moved to quickly in the past also. Remember, this is something that none of us, no matter how experienced, can shortcut. Relationships take time to develop.

Therefore, I suggest that you re-evaluate your mindset of only dealing with someone local. There are many advantages to establishing a long distance BDSM relationship which ultimately moves into real time. While it is not an easy path to follow and the desire to hop on a plane and go meet the other person is always present, the benefits can outweigh that. Forced time is often the only way those who lack discipline will take the proper approach. In a long distance relationship, one has no choice but to use the time constructively. Sex, whips, and chains will come later. The basic foundation will be laid long before those aspects are experienced. In my mind, they will only serve to reaffirm what is already in place as opposed to being the primary basis. This increases the chance of success greatly.

Time is truly our ally.

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The Natural Process

2011-06-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

We all know the Internet has created an atmosphere where things are different then they were years ago. One area in particular that changed is with protocol. Before, while existing in certain circles, protocol was limited to an individual choice. For example, a Master might have some particular protocol that he expected his slave to follow. It was an individual choice regardless of others around. At the same time, certain groups might have particular ideas that were followed. However, there was nothing concrete with flexibility available.

The Internet changed all that. Today, there are an assortment of ideas which are mandated by the online community. Enter into a chatroom and you will be expected to behave in a certain manner. Fail to follow the proper tradition and risk being chastised in a major way. This is especially true for those who profess to be Gorean.

Relationship

A fundamental mistake that proponents of this concept make is that D/s and M/s are relationships. They are not scripted events that can be laid out like a play. While many believe that a book written in the 1970s contains all the answers to what one encounters in life, the truth is it does not. Adhering to this idea is akin to believing that Dr. Spock had all the answers for raising a child. Any parent will tell you there were a few chapters missing in his books. The same is true for the BDSM world. No matter how much you adhere to protocol, it does not provide all the instances which you will encounter.

People need to realize that relationships are made up of and centered around individuals. Each person brings certain attributes to the interaction while seeking to get something out of it that satisfies some need(s). Therefore, these mechanisms are dynamic simply in the fact that everyone on this planet is different and few of us fit ideally into a 'box'.

Protocol is an attempt at a shortcut to success. This means that those who implement it to the degree where it becomes almost religious are trying to absolve themselves of the time and effort required to establish a successful relationship. It is a proven fact that relationships take work. I feel most fail because they depend upon the protocol to run their relationships as opposed to doing it themselves.

The Submission Process

Much is written about the process one goes through to submit. As I travel around the Internet I see a ton of protocol pertaining to this subject. Sadly, other than for a good laugh, most of it is worthless.

Once again we get back the the basic idea that relationships are about individuals. It is impossible to design a plan of operation that will encompass everyone. In fact, I find that you cannot even do this for most of the people. Individuality is something that is at our core as humans. Therefore, having a written agenda of how one is to submit is inane.

So, how does this process work if not by protocol? Simple. Submission happens naturally. It is something that two people who are designed for this lifestyle can feel as it is happening and understand. There is no fight for or against it. The interaction leads to more natural decisions. It is a route that is followed in keeping with one's natural core.

Therefore, the submission process is nothing more than a natural interaction between two people. Here, you have one who is dominant and another who is submissive. Those two criteria provide a basis for a match. From that point, the communication entails exchanging ideas about what each person likes and dislikes. This is called determining if two people are compatible. After that, the discussions will consist of topics such as long term life plans, logistical facts, and time periods for moving forward if that is the chosen path. Contrary to what the online community believes, the fact that one is dominant and the other submissive are not the only requirements for a successful relationship.

Finally, the couple gets to the point where they decide they are going to be together. I find that the submission process happens naturally. There is no one moment in time where she offers it and he accepts it. Instead, it is something that is moved towards on a daily basis (with the occasional moving away from when pitfalls are encountered). The people involved in the relationship, due to their communication, know what is occurring. Each can feel it and is, hopefully, happy about it. Ultimately, we are all seeking fulfillment. Tapping into that core essence is how we accomplish this. BDSM is a way many of us reach this zenith in our daily lives.

Consider this idea the next time you see someone asking about the submission process or trying to find out how one finds a Master. The answer is to interact like a human being. Communicating like and dislikes as a means of establishing compatibility is essential. Too often this step if overlooked. It is a simple fact that it is impossible to get along with everyone. The one you might be chatting with could be someone who will make your skin crawl in a few months. Take the time in the beginning to find a path that feels natural for you. Remember, there should not be any forcing of the situation. Successful relationships are never forced.

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Come To Depend

2011-06-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dependence is a word that has a mixed meaning in our society. For many, it is a way to view an interaction between two people which shows safety and security. At the same time, many view it as a sign of weakness since we are taught that we are to be independent. Those who have to rely on others are looked upon as inferior. Thus, we have to delve into the subject to determine what is healthy and effective.

Unhealthy Dependency

We see many who are completely dependent upon another. While this could be a good thing, in the instances I am referring, it is unhealthy and dangerous. Many suffer from dependency issues. In psychology, they often view this as a result of having abandonment issues. Those who suffer from this are apt to 'latch onto' anyone who comes along. People of this ilk have major inferiority complexes. Thus, the idea of being alone is not acceptable to this person.

So, how does someone like this behave. To start, loneliness is a major part of his/her makeup. The idea of being alone is terrifying. Therefore, he or she will do whatever to get into a relationship. I remember watching a movie where the character said "I would rather be with the wrong person for all the wrong reasons rather than being alone for the right ones". This sums up the person's mindset.

After getting into a relationship, our over dependent person will do everything to maintain. This is often where abuse is able to enter the picture. Those who suffer from inferiority complexes allow behavior that is intolerable. Outsiders cannot understand 'why she doesn't leave him". The simple fact is that her esteem will not allow it.

Another dangerous situation happens when the other person tries to end the relationship and move on. Our dependent individual is unable to heat of this. We see this all the time in those who 'cannot move on'. They keep referring to the love for the other person. While there is a shred of truth in this, the more accurate description is this person is overly dependent. Of course, the person does not truly need to end the relationship, or even to threaten that. Our fearful individual is always acting out of that fear. His or her mind is always conceptualizing the idea of being abandon. Therefore, all behaviors are done in an effort to prevent this.

Certainly you can see how someone operating from this place is open to being taken abused in so many different ways. Overall, nothing healthy can result.

Healthy Dependency

Now let us take a look at some situations where dependency is healthy.

I am going to start by saying that nobody is a self made person. We see the term 'self made success' thrown around in the business world. This is completely untrue. Success, in any endeavor requires input from many people. For example, knowledge, which is often a key component, is passed down via teachers, mentors, parents, and other influences. Bill Gates might have created Microsoft on his own, but he has a lot of input over the years plus partners who helped him start the venture.

The point that I am making is that none of us is truly independent. Every aspect of our lives necessitates the assistance of others. This is a basic component of a civilized society. Even the food we eat at dinner requires the help of those willing to grow, harvest, package, transport, and sell it. Unless you are one who is out hunting your meals, it is safe to say that you are dependent. Thus, let us get the 'dependence is bad' notion out of our mind.

Children are dependent upon their parents from the day they are born. When we come out of the womb, we are basically helpless, defenseless beings. Other then sending waste from our bodies and exercising our lung capacity, there is very little we can do on our own. Of course, as the years pass, a child is able to attain greater independence. However, as mentioned, the influences are still there are we gain this freedom.

The maturity process does leads to great independence which also yields strength. Those who can assume greater things can do so because their abilities and talents grew. Please bear in mind this also includes the ability to excel emotionally. Maturation means moving from childish to adult. It requires developing esteem for oneself and his/her abilities. This is what allows us to interact with others in a deep manner in a healthy way. We see a complete reversal of the situation that was aforementioned.

So, how does a person in this type of situation behave. To start, he or she is not willing to just run out and accept anyone. Contrary to the quote from the movie I cited, an individual of this ilk will prefer to be alone rather than be with someone for the wrong reasons. "Because I am lonely" is never a valid reason for entering into a relationship. This establishes weaknesses instantly. Success in any field, including social interaction, requires coming from a place of strength.

Another difference is that a healthy person is not living with the perpetual fear that the relationship will end. If the other person is behaving in ways that are unacceptable, he or she is willing to draw the line in the sand and say 'enough'. Obviously, our unhealthy individual is ill-equipped to do this. Abuse, which was a possibility before, is less likely under these circumstances. The internal strength will override any tendency to adopt insensible ideas.

Dependency and BDSM

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. Thus, the scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. Slaves who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master establishes. Nevertheless, a slave comes to rely upon her Master for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately his.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. I was discussing with my slave the other day this idea. She mentioned that, for her, it went from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a slave on a Master. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent and don't need anyone (see above). This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

I find this to be the case each time my slave leaves. While it is not often, I can assure you that I am lost to a degree. While I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, the fact that I allow her to hand so many things in a responsible manner means that much of what occurs takes place without my oversight. Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master becomes dependent upon a slave to meet even his most basic needs.

I could also focus some attention on the emotional needs that a slave fulfills but that could be a thesis all on its own. The point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship. This idea is most recognizable when people are separated for a period of time. In my situation, it has been over 2 years since I was away from my slave for any lengthy period of time. And, I am surprised to see how much I have come to depend upon her. For me, it has paralleled the path taken with my trust. As my trust has grown, so has my dependence; and the same is true for her.

This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

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Dominant All The Time

2011-06-09T04:38:00.000-07:00

We all have our Masters. This is simply a fact of life. Those who live in the real world understand this simply yet imperative concept. However, many seem to like to exist in the fantasy of the Internet which presents a different outlook.

Quality

Domination, like submission, is nothing more than a quality that a person has. It is something that comes naturally. For this reason, I find the path into the BDSM world is about uncovering what is naturally within a person. Too many try to 'become' something. My experience is that one needs to look within to see what is already there in an effort to expand and grow that aspect of oneself.

Nevertheless, since we are referring to something that is a quality, it is important to realize how that fits into our lives. Domination is something that comes naturally to many people. However, when one realizes it is a quality (characteristic) of a person, he or she understands that one does not live 'all domination, all the time'. We all have our Masters.

For example, I am of the dominant ilk. Over the years, I owned a number of slaves. My natural desire is to bear the full responsibility of each situation. Control is something I desire, not to make up for a lack within me but, rather, to appease what is at my core. In other words, it is safe to say that I easily fall on the dominant side of the coin.

That being said, there are times when I am as submissive as they come. No, this does not make me a switch. However, put me in front of the judge and you will see a subservient Master. "Yes Sir or Ma'am" will be uttered quite frequently. The same is true when I am pulled over by a police officer. In reality, there are certain people who have control over me because of the authority they wield. If the choice is between keeping my statements respectful or going to jail, the former is the option I like.

Common Sense

When dealing in reality, common sense is a trait that need to be practiced. Too many like the idea of residing in the fantasy world of the Internet where he or she can assume a role completely. While this might have some payoff in terms of enjoyment, nobody, in their right mind can assert that it is real. No common sense is required in this arena. People can be as foolish as they want usually without consequence.

The situation is different for those who dwell in reality. We all need to be prudent in our choices. Those who lack this ability end up creating more trouble for themselves. Those who want to be dominant all the time suffer ill consequences. For example, have you ever walked in and told the owner of the company all that he or she is doing wrong and what you 'know' what needs to be done? If you did, how was that received? Those who walk around the workplace dictating to everyone else what needs to be done, especially without the authority to do so, find themselves out of work. Unemployment is a common outcome.

Relationships are the same way. Most people gravitate towards equitable split relationships. For this reason, most do not like to be 'controlled' by their friends or lovers. They like to have some say in what is done and decisions that are made. Our 'eternal dominant' elicits ill feelings from others. The 'take charge' attitude wears on people. Thus, the consequence is usually a lonely existence.

Common sense dictates that there situations where it is proper to assert one's domination. At the same time, there are also many instances when backing off is the best option. Usually, there is a correlation between whether it is my business or not. If it is my responsibility, then I can express my control. Anything outside of that realm sees me just being overbearing and a know-it-all. Minding my own business is a lesson that is extremely important to learn.

In summary, it is unrealistic to believe that one is dominant all the time. There are situations on a daily basis which mandate letting someone else make the decision. The reasons can be due to authority, experience, or responsibility. Either way, there are times when it is best for a dominant to be submissive while keeping his/her mouth shut.

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Domination: Taking Responsibility

2011-05-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

Responsibility is something that many in society talk about. We are taught that one is to be responsible. For example, males are taught they are to work hard and be good providers for the family. One is suppose to take care of those who are dependent upon him (her). We are told this is what 'responsible people do'.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this viewpoint. Society would be better off if more had this outlook. My observation is that we are going in the opposite direction. Overall, I sense the 'blame game' is more prominent than personal responsibility. Everyone has an alibi and is quick to put it to use. While not wanting to turn this post into a political rant, it is safe to say some of the industrious values of yesteryear were replaced.

BDSM: Contrary to Society

Much of my writing focuses attention on the fact that those who live the BDSM lifestyle need to have a mindset that differs tremendously from the average person. We walk a path that adopts outlooks which are not taught in the traditional world. Instead, we are programmed to obey the overriding social mores that are presented to us. Those who break free and enter this way of life, to some degree, cease thinking in the traditional terms.

Regardless of what the general consensus of society regarding responsibility, the fact is that those who enter the BDSM lifestyle must be willing to accept this on every level. This is especially true of those have the dominant quality about them. I see so many who proclaim to be 'Masters' yet are completely ill-equipped to serve in this role. As opposed to be responsible, they fall into the normal mindset of 'it isn't my fault'.

Therefore, for those who seek to live according to the principles of BDSM, it is imperative to adopt an outlook that is contrary to the view of society at large. Responsibility is just on of those areas.

Domination: All Your Fault

One of the toughest lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that everything is my fault. I am the one who is solely responsible for the events in my life. This includes what occurs within my household. While the tendency to place blame stills exists, it is something that I work on daily. However, the one advantage is today, even when I do not want to, I know that all consequences lay at my feet.

Being a victim is not in the makeup of a dominant. If you are one who falls into this habit, then I suggest you re-evaluate your choice. The truth is that those who are successful at being Masters within this lifestyle are those who take responsibility.

When one owns another, the responsibility for growth and direction lies with the Master. This is something that most welcome. However, things seem to take on a different twist when they go awry. Then, the blaming tendency starts.

A slave is trained to be obedient. That is what a worthy slave seeks. It is a quality that is imperative to the M/s and D/s dynamic. Of course, this is not to be mistaken for weakness. Obedience does not amount to a person being weak. On the contrary, it is actually a sign of strength.

Strength must be met with strength. If not, the relationship will fall apart. I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed a slave 'surpass' the Master in ability. In short, she grew; he did not. A dominant person needs to dedicate him or herself to this growth. And, for me, it starts with owning up to what occurs. As Teddy Roosevelt said, "the buck stops here".

If a slave makes a mistake, it is up to a Master to correct that. By the same token, if she is lost, it is up to him to help her find her path. Whatever happens, a dominant needs to stand up and know that all is done at his directive. When things do not work out as anticipated as they invariably do, then it is his fault. And, he is the one who needs to ensure corrective action is taken. Anyone who wants to place the blame on the slave is not worthy of being called a Master. Ultimately, unlike the self titled people on line, this is something that is earned. Be responsible and you are on the path to earning it.

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Understanding A Submissive

2011-05-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Many dominants enter the lifestyle believing that they naturally know what a submissive needs. This is an obtuse outlook which creates a dangerous situation. The truth is the only way one can know who to truly dominate is to understand what a submissive goes through. This is something that is difficult unless one truly can experience it.

A View From The Other Side

Does this mean that every dominant should serve as a submissive for a period of time? No, although that might not be a bad idea of many. In fact, yesterday, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was trained many years ago according to the 'Old Guard' protocol. He said that he was 'treated' to the non dominant end of a crop more than once. This experience showed him the value of truly being able to understand what a submissive goes through.

While that method of training has changed over the years, the concept still holds a great deal of merit (I am not saying the old training doesnt but that is a different matter). One needs to be able to place oneself in a submissive's place at a deep level to truly dominate. Having this opposing view will enable one to control and lead with greater success.

For example, do you realize how difficult it is to trust to the degree whereby you are literally handing over your life to another person? Is this something that you could do as an adult considering all the 'baggage' we all carry with us? Consider this idea for a moment and perhaps you will understand why it is difficult for a person who is new to you to hand it all over immediately.

My Situation

I have shared in a number of posts how I was trained by a slave. My story is one where I got into a relationship (vanilla) with a girl who was previously a slave. As with many, her desire to be owned did not wane after leaving a multiple year relationship. Of course, as luck would have it, I was next in line.

Before going any further, I need to explain some of the dynamics. At the time we were living in a small town on the east coast of Florida. This is the later part of the 1990s, so the Internet was just getting a foothold. At that time, the majority of people were not online since that mode of communication still had not penetrated the masses. Therefore, the BDSM culture, at least in our world, was still underground.

The reason I mention this is to illustrate the fact that it was difficult to come across lifestyle people. This is one reason why this woman put the time and effort into me. She found someone with a natural quality of domination and began working on the education and training process. Over the next few years, I was to learn what a female slave wanted. And, for all you newbies out there, trust me when I tell you that a beating and screwing are not at the top of the list. A true slave desires so much more than that. Also, make a note that fear is a terrible way to control. That is a tactic anyone can use.

Psychological Domination

The ability to understand the other person is what allows one to take control. This is true in all aspects of life. "Understand your enemy and you can defeat him" is the adage from war. Naturally, we are not trying to defeat a sub or slave, but delving into his/her psychological needs is crucial.

Online, I see so many who make the statement about getting control of the heart and you can control all. Unfortunately for those who buy into this, I found it to be not true. My experience is that if you can penetrate a sub at a deep level, right down to her core, then you can take over all of her without effort. She will cede control over willingly and effortlessly. But, that level must be attained.

For this to take place, one must be able to psychologically take control. Again, any meathead can use fear as a tactic. This is shallow and ineffective. Psychological control means understanding what the submissive is seeking. What does she get out of her submission and service to you? What are her fears? Where does she feel vulnerable? What does she want? Those who can answer these questions have a chance of reaching the true depths of this experience. Sadly, few have any clue about these subjects.

Growth is an important factor in the BDSM relationship. Masters or Doms who do not continually focus upon this area are apt to lose a submissive. This is one of her strongest needs even though she might term it something different. A Master's duty is to take a person, gain her trust to the degree she gives all over, and help foster her along a path which leads to her fulfillment (notice the term was not happiness...they are two different things). A fulfilled slave is one who has reached the pinnacle of her existence.

One caveat about this idea. For a slave to continually grow, that means the dominant one also must focus attention on his/her own growth. Sadly, most prefer to live by the code 'do as I say, not as I do'. This does not work. If you want your slave to be the best she can be, that is only possible because you became the best Master you could. Resting upon your laurels does not suffice. That is where stagnation comes in.

In closing, these are a few ideas pertaining to putting yourself in the experience of a submissive. While I touched upon the psychological aspects of things, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The psychology field is full of materials that go into great detail about this important subject. Be sure to open your learning up to these seemingly disconnected areas because they will offer you insight into the mind of another. True domination is about a lot more than whips and chains.

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Being Alone But Not Lonely

2011-05-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

This idea stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a fellow dominant in the lifestyle. It is something that many in the psychological and self help community refer to regularly since it is the premise of healthy self-esteem. I write about this topic often since it is something that most of society, not just the BDSM community, lacks. It is a plague that stimulates people to make choices that are completely against their best interest.

Being Alone

Many have difficulty in being alone. In short, they despise it. We see this every where we look. People have a need to be around others. Of course, this is only natural since man is a social animal. Therefore, isolation is not our natural state. Those who tend to this extreme tend to have psychological issues. The Unabomber was one such example. He lived in complete isolation for years. This is an unhealthy state.

The reverse is also equally as dangerous. There are many who simply cannot be alone. In other words, a person of this ilk always needs to be around another. They occupy their days with friends and family. While on the surface this looks healthy, when we explore the motivation, we realize it is not. Instead, a person like this is driven by fear. As opposed to being with others for the benefits of interaction, he or she is there simply to avoid being with oneself. And this is the crux of the problem.

Desperation

People who fall into this category tend to make decisions out of desperation. This is something we see regularly in the BDSM community. We typically have one who suffered a serious of failed relationships in the vanilla world. Here, this individual finds the answer to his/her life issues by getting involved in a BDSM relationship. Sadly, instead of finding happiness and fulfillment, one only finds more pain.

Why does this happen? Because the same fear that motivated this person before is still present. It leads one to act desperately. Patience is not high on this person's lists of qualities. Instead, he or she will accept anyone who will show an interest. This is what makes the trollers successful. They prey upon the insecurities of others. Fear of being alone is a weakness that is exploited regularly. Anyone who has been around a while can see the desperation ooze out of people. It is that obvious.

Not Being Lonely

A healthy self-esteem mandates that you are able to be alone without being lonely. This is a worthwhile goal to have. If you are one who finds yourself dreading being alone, it is time that you tend to this defect. Trust me when I tell you that it is causing catastrophic consequences in your life.

Many try to excuse their behavior by saying they are 'sociable'. Certainly there are many who like to interact with others. But, again, we always need to look at the motivation. Oftentimes, it is fear that is making the decision.

When it comes to relationships, being alone without feeling lonely allows one to establish a thing called standards. Desperate people have no standards whatsoever. Instead, he or she will take whatever comes along and shows an interest. This is often the wrong path to take.

A person with a healthy self-esteem will take the opposite approach. Rather than accept anyone, he or she has a clear image in the mind of precisely what is sought. Since this individual is not afraid of being alone, he or she can forgo all those who do not fit. The ability to wait until what one is seeking appears is a power few have. This stems from a leeriness of being alone.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start to spend some time on your own. Get use to being with yourself and be okay with it. You aren't a bad person and using others for distraction is not healthy. Your strength comes from the ability to embrace yourself. There is tremendous opportunity to grow when you are along. Utilize it and you will find things improving dramatically.

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It Doesn't Make Them Right

2011-05-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today, I am going to write about the length of time people have in the lifestyle and how that affects the interaction with others. Many fall into a dangerous trap of succumbing to the temptation of 'time'. This is something that we need to be extremely leery of.

Experience Is Important

I will state that experience is important. In all my writings, I make it clear there is no substitute for dealing with experience. Those who have 'trudged' the road that you are on can offer valuable insight . Anyone who made mistakes and is willing to share them with you is one to listen to. He or she has the uncanny ability to help you circumvent painful situations. A sign of wisdom is the ability to learn from others.

Experience is commonly a reflection of time. Obviously, someone who is in this lifestyle 20 years will have many opportunities to experience different things. Life and relationships tend to throw many different obstacles in our way. Those who navigate these waters have a story to share. Again, knowledge from a source such as this is invaluable.

Of course, experience comes in many different forms. While the BDSM world is different from the traditional in so many ways, there are also commonalities that are applicable. Many seem to miss this basic point. Interpersonal skills are always important no matter what the structure of the relationship. Those who lack this basic necessity find BDSM just as trying as other areas of life. Therefore, most have a great deal of experience when they enter the BDSM arena.

The Meaning of Time

Time offers one thing: opportunity. Whether a person takes advantage of that or not is a completely different story. Many will be around something for a long time yet fail to learn a damn thing. This is something we need to be extremely mindful of when we are interacting with others in the BDSM arena.

The common scenario is for someone who is new to defer to those who have time. I see this repeatedly online. A new person will make a statement in a forum only to have a more 'experienced' member rebuke that idea. Shortly after, the new person usually apologizes for offending those who are on there.

What is sad about this scenario is often those who are experienced are also complete idiots. As I mentioned above, time gives one the opportunity to learn and grow. The sad truth is that few take advantage of this fact. I presume this is a human condition since we see so many who haven't picked up a book since their formal education ended. However, in the BDSM arena, this can be a very dangerous prospect.

Also, just because a person has time in this lifestyle, that does not make their viewpoint correct. The BDSM world is a wide and varied life. There are many aspects to it. It is impossible for anyone to be experienced and knowledgeable about every area. For example, even though I am at this way of life for a while, I know very little about suspension. It is not a form of play that I personally involved myself in. Therefore, anything I state about this facet will be conjecture. My experience is nil. Time did not provide me wisdom in this area.

Take this concept with you wherever you go. There are many who post ideas that are very helpful. However, these same people might also have some strange viewpoints on different things also. That is part of the human condition. I have yet to meet the person who agrees with my views on everything. So, the old adage 'take what you want and leave the rest' certainly applies. And, for Pete's (whoever he is) sake, stop apologizing if some supposed 'aged' person disagrees with you on something. The presumption that he or she is correct is one you should not take. There is a good chance that person is equally off his/her rocker.

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Tough: You Created The Situation

2011-05-16T05:39:00.000-07:00

This is a post that I wanted to write for a while. Part of my dilemma is to deliver the message without coming across as ranting. I will start by telling you I am perfectly calm at this moment. Thus, all that I am writing is devoid of an emotional magnification. There is no anger or upset within me. My sole objective is to get across an idea that I feel extremely important. Of course, in doing that, I know I am going to upset many people. So be it.

Your Life

The simple fact is that you are living your life. Nobody else can lay claim to it. You are the sole proprietor. How you choose to run it is completely your responsibility. Naturally, from my observations, this seems to be a point most people overlook.

I often write about dominants having to lose the habit of blaming, especially when one is an obedient sub. However, this is not the only target of this idea. Judging by society at large, it seems that 'blame' is a favorite pastime of the majority of people. Few truly want to admit that their lives are the results of choices they made. Instead, they run around 'pointing the finger' at everyone who is in range. It is the ex husband fault. Or the children. Or their parents. Or the boss. Or the President. Or the neighbor. Regardless of who is selected, the end result is the person absolving him or herself of responsibility.

So, remember, it is your life and it is up to you to choose how you live. And part of that is taking responsibility for all results you get knowing that you made the choice that put you in that position.

Bad Decisions

Another one of the truths in life is that we all make bad decisions. In fact, most will tell you that the ability to make good decisions is the result of making many bad decisions. We are not handed a 'decision-making' manual at birth. This is literally an exercise in trial and error.

That being said, we need to own up to the choices we make. The fact that we are going to choose some options that are 'less than stellar' just means that we are part of the human race. Everyone does it so get over it. However, the fact that we are all making poor choices does not mean that we can absolve ourselves of the consequences. Part of maturity is knowing that we are still responsible for the outcome.

Victimization

What does any of this have to do with BDSM? The answer to that brings me to the next subject: victimization. This is a natural offshoot of the blame game. Those who continually blame others are establishing themselves as victims. Ultimately, we get a huge payoff for traveling this route in that nothing is ever our fault. By placing the blame and showing how we are victimized, we are able to elicit the sympathy from others.

Now, I can tell you the BDSM community is full of victims. Anywhere you travel you can see this in full force. People are continually complaining about all the scammers, wannabes, pretenders, and assholes that exist online. Now, I am not going to deny the fact of these people's existence or give them any support at all. I think they are trash that needs to be stepped on. My point is that it takes 'two to tango'.

You Did It!!!!

This is a favorite saying of my slave. But the message carries with it a great deal of truth. Those who want to play the victim are, in fact, responsible. All of them need to look in the mirror, point at the face looking back, and say "You Did It".

Here are some examples that I regularly see:

1. 20 something financial Domme got access to the credit card from some poor unsuspecting sub male only to run up huge charges and split.

2. New sub gets involved in a relationship after a couple weeks only to find the guy she 'submitted' to was not real.

3. A man talks to a submissive girl who proudly wears his 'collar' only to find out she has 9 other guys she did the same thing with.

4. A woman meets a guy for the first time in a motel without heeding any of the suggestions about meeting in a safe manner, and finds herself hacked up and disposed of down the drain in the bath tub.

Our poor victims. Actually, all of them deserved exactly what befell them. Remember, they were all responsible for the choices they made.

Here is the truth:

1. What fool would give a 20 something access to anything. If they say they are a financial domme, replace that with the word hooker or scammer. Either way, you are going to pay. Now, if this is acceptable to you, fine. But stop the belly aching when you get cleaned out. You were the one who gave her access to the accounts.

2. There are many posts on different sites mentioning the importance of taking your time, especially when new. This is a world that differs from what most are accustomed to. The BDSM world, particularly online, is wrought with great dangers. There are all kinds of games played. It takes some time to learn how to identify what really is going on. While nobody is immune, it does increase one's chances greatly. But, the suggestions we offer go unheeded. Instead, our new subbie does what he or she wants explaining to us that 'we do not understand'. So who is at fault? The troller who is doing what trollers do or the 'innocent' subbie who ignored all warnings and did what he or she wanted?

3. Half of what you see online is not real. It can be eliminated immediately. This is a world that is called virtual. It can reflect reality but it is not. The Internet is a place where it is easy to maintain anonymity. Anyone can be anything he or she wants. Those who believe everything they are told are apt to get taken. If you believe your one is real, that is perfectly logical. However, if you find out she was just playing games, realize that you were the one who answered her emails. You chose to interact with her (him) and nobody else. Own up to that fact and move on.

4. As horrific as this is, who chose to appear in a motel room with a total stranger? The point is clear. If one is going to throw common sense out the window, then he or she must know the risks involved. Stupid decisions can often be fatal. But, once again, it is his or her responsibility. While I will grant you that nobody should be brutally killed, this person elected to put him or herself in a dangerous position. This fact cannot be overlooked.

Grow Up

The basic fact is the people need to grow up. Children blame others for their ills in life. This is a sign of immaturity. Sadly, many adults have the exact same mindset. Fortunately, I am here with this post to try and snap some of you out of it.

Accept this: unless it was a complete act of nature, you deserve everything you get in life. If you do not like what you are getting, alter it. But stop blaming others for the choices you made.

-You were the one who married him (her)
-You decided to submit to someone after only being around the lifestyle for a few week.
-You were the one who got involved with a new Dom (sub)
-You were the one who allowed yourself to be tied up without knowing the safety precautions.
-You were the one who offered her the collar.
-You were the one applied for the job.
-You were the one who chose to live there.
-You were the one who spent the money.
-You were the one who gave her access to your bank account.
-You were the one who moved three states to be with him.

There was a time when I felt compelled to exert energy to try and protect new people (especially one the submissive side) from the ills that occur online. No more. My experience is that people are mostly too foolish to see what they are doing. Now, my approach is to put the warnings out there through my writing and leave it at that. Everyone here is an adult. If someone tragic befalls one, I feel safe in concluding that at some point she (he) made a decision to put herself in that situation. I do not buy into the blaming of others. Sub, slave, Master, Dom...we all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves. Common sense is a wonderful asset that seems to be at a premium. Those who lack is (or dont apply it) will suffer the ill-fated consequences. And, sadly, they deserve it.

So grow up and accept responsibility.

Bad Experiences: Our Common Denominator

This post might seem a bit uncaring. The only reason why I take this approach is because the message needs to be rammed home like John Holmes forcing his huge member into a virgin. A wake up call needs to be delivered.

The base fact is that we all had bad experiences. Whatever you are dealing with is not unique. Our posting about certain topics comes from experience i.e. we did the same stupid thing you are doing. We warn because it is a case of 'this is what we did and this is what happened'. Most of us were naive enough to believe someone was who he or she stated only to find out later that it was a viciously lie. At the same time, we also know the experience of getting involved with someone who appeared to be something only to turn out to be something else. Falling for lies, manipulation, and cons are part of our track record. We all were there.

However, in each situation we had to own up to the fact that we were the ones making the decisions. Even in a M/s situation, a slave is the one who chooses whether to submit to one or not. It is her choice. If she makes a bad one, that is on her. The same thing on the dominant side. Everything we do in life involves making a choice. And, all those choices have consequences. Since we made the decision, we have to live with the consequences. Therefore, you created what circumstance you are in.

Welcome to adulthood.

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Taking Responsibility: A Personal Story

2011-05-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

There recently was an event in my household which epitomizes the nature of the M/s relationship and the responsibility each person carries. Over the last few months, I have written posts on different occasions outlining the fact that part of being a Master is to eliminate the idea of blaming. Too many are in the habit of point the finger at others, thus, absolving themselves of responsibility. A Master does not have this luxury.

It Goes Both Ways

The common outlook that I see is that the dominants who I see online want to 'have their cake and eat it too'. For most of the Doms, this pertains to sex. I believe the BDSM allure it to be able to take a woman whenever and however he sees fit. This means not having to deal with the 'honey I have a headache' stuff. Expand this concept out to encompass those who are 'Masters' and we find people who like the fact that someone (a slave) will do whatever is instructed.

Another caveat that enters the picture on the M/s side of things is the fact that many operate from the place that property cannot own property. Ergo, we see many M/s relationships, especially those where the parties are together for an extended period, where the slave hands over all financial earnings to the Master. She owns nothing and everything is his. What a deal!

Of course, this goes both ways. What our online Master and Doms fail to realize is that he bears responsibility in return for what is received. In other words, when one is willing to hand all over to you, including the decisions that are made, the onus falls upon your shoulders. You are the one responsible for the outcome. There is nobody to blame for the shortcomings in the situation. A true Master realizes this without exception. A slave might make mistakes but the ultimate responsibility always lies with him.

A Personal Story

My slave was employed with a company she joined a bit over a year ago. Over that time, there were things that occurred which I did not like in terms of the way she was treated. When she brought these situations to my attention, I guided her as to what her response should be. Obediently, she followed my directions.

A couple weeks ago, she was caught in the middle of a hatchet job. Politics and insecurity were a major reason for her being let go. Needless to say she was upset in addition to being angry. Nobody likes to be fired especially when they are doing the job (better than the rest of the crew). However, it is especially hard on a slave when she knows she has a Master to answer to. The level of disappointing is increased.

Certainly it is easy for me to take the approach that it was her fault she lost the job. I could point to the fact that she should have interacted with some others better and not been so terse with them. However, I need to realize that it was I who was directing her to interact with the different departments in the way she did. If there is any blame to be placed it is squarely on me. I cannot point the finger at her in this instance. She was just being obedient.

Therefore, the loss of household income is a situation I created. This is where my other responsibility enters the picture: the household expenses are mine. I am the one who needs to take care of my slave. Again, I can allude to the fact that a couple thousand in take home pay is no longer coming in. None of this absolves me of the overall responsibility I have as a Master. At the end of the month, it is me who needs to take care of things. That is what a Master does.

This is a far cry from what you hear spewed online. Few are willing to talk about this point. However, if you are going to take on a slave, understand that you are responsible for the life of that person. Therefore, the next time you want to point the finger at someone else, be prepared to cut it off. Being a Master has no place for the absolving oneself of responsibility. If you do, then we will know you are nothing more than a comic book Master seeking to play. True Masters take on the onus of another because he knows that is what he is to do.

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Saving Others

2011-05-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

This is a subject that tends to arise on a regular basis. Experience is teaching me to let go and allow others to achieve the results of their own actions. Of course, this covers both the positive and the negative. Sadly, most seem to garner a whole lot more negative.

Saving Someone Else

Being of the 'teaching' mindset, one of my pleasures is interacting with others to impart my experience upon them. I see this same outlook in many people who are around this lifestyle. However, there comes a line where the teacher stops and the student begins. I can only presume this is exactly what educators in all fields experience.

Unlike chemistry or calculus where one will suffer the ill consequences of failing a course, those who 'stray' in the BDSM world end up enduring harm. While it might not be physical, the bottom line is people are regularly hurt by the actions of others. Unfortunately, many of them were warned in advance. Of course, the point is crossed where the teacher knows less than the student.

My point here is that it is impossible to save someone else. This is a life lesson as opposed to only being applicable in the BDSM world. Every parent who had a child goes astray knows this fact. There are times one needs to step back and allow another to suffer the consequences for his or her actions.

There is an old saying, you cannot save someone from him/herself. I see this regularly in the BDSM community. People, especially submissive types, are forewarned about certain things yet go ahead and do it anyway. Then, after a few weeks or months, they are surprised when things go sour. Spend time on any BDSM forum and you will see this exact scenario spell out.

Growing Towards Excellence

My opinion is that BDSM is a lifestyle where people grow towards excellence. Contrary to popular opinion, one cannot walk into this lifestyle and be adept at things instantly. I am always surprised (although I shouldn't be) at those who believe they can call themselves 'new Masters'. These are contradictions in terms. To very essence of being a Master, by definition, means you are experienced. Without this, you have not mastered anything.

Those who enter this life, and stay, are those who are dedicated to learning and growing. BDSM is a lifelong study. One never knows all there is. Even those who lived this way for 40 years will tell you there is always something that encounter which is new to them. The growing never stops unless one decides to take that approach. And, that is when he or she begins the process of moving backwards.

BDSM is about what you are doing as an individual. As mentioned, a teacher (or mentor) can only provide so much input. Ultimately, it is up to the individual Dom or sub to seek and internalize greater amounts of knowledge. Personal growth is an individual journey. Of course, there are many who are involved in relationships. In this instant, there are three paths which need consideration: the growth of each individual plus the grow of the relationship. I am a firm believer that the later cannot occur without the former being in place. If the individuals stop learning and growing, the relationship will also. Excellence is something that we all should be striving for.

Learning From The Mistakes

The mistakes we encounter are not new. It is a truth that people, especially newer ones, are not creating something novel. Instead, they are following the same behavior patterns we witnessed for years. This is a fact of the human existence. There really is very little that any of us encounter which is original. Humans beings tend to do the same thing.

One sign of intelligence is to learn from the mistakes of the past. Of course, this will start with your own personal missteps. But, what if you are new and do not have those? This is where the smart person will begin to look at the transgressions of others in an effort to avoid those same pitfalls. I only wish this concept encompassed everyone. My experience is that very few do this.

This is where the desire to save others from themselves comes in. As mentioned, this is a fruitless proposition since people are going to do what they want. Even when we feel we know the outcome, and most times we are correct, you simply cannot get through to most. They feel they are different. Of course, we are told we do not understand. What our newer person fails to grasp is that we understand all too well. There is a terrific chance we followed the same pattern at one point in our lives.

Therefore, it is best to learn from the mistakes we already made. We can save you a lot of heartache (and assache). Many of us in the lifestyle write on a blog such as this to parlay our experience in an effort to help. However, we are also the same people who understand that we cannot save you from yourself. There does come a time when we step back and say 'good luck' knowing full well what is going to happen. Ultimately, it is up to you to save yourself.

Mistakes are par for the course...suffering is optional.

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The 50s Lifestyle

2011-05-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

Many want to establish their relationships around the 1950's concept of how a household was run. During this time period, the man was the unequivocal leader of the household. The woman was subservient to him. This was something that went without discussion. It simply was the way things were. Remember, this is long before the Equal Rights Movement and womens lib. It is amazing to see so many yearning for a return to what was after so many battles were fought seeking the freedom to get out of this situation. I guess that is a debate for another day. The point is that many seek living under a roof where the man is in control.

My Grandmother

My grandmother lived this exact scenario that we discussed. She was a homemaker with all power being in the hands of my grandfather. It was a male dominated society and this was not questioned. Her life was dedicated to the raising of a family while keeping my grandfather happy. It was the atypical 'June Cleaver' existence.

One thing that needs mentioning is that my grandfather, because of work, traveled a lot. This was the 1940s so we aren't referring to hopping on an airplane to take a shuttle flight. Rather, it was the era where one got on a train and rode for a full day to arrive at a destination where a business meeting was held. In the time period, it was not uncommon for men like my grandfather to leave early Monday morning and return Friday night. This meant that the rearing of the children was left to the woman of the house.

On that side of my family, there are 5 children. The age difference between the oldest and the youngest is 16 years. Therefore, my grandmother had her hands full for many years. Add in the fact that the oldest was a bit troublesome (the eventual decision to discipline him was my grandfather locking him out of the house at 17 and him enlisting in the Navy) and you can see how her responsibilities were enormous. Basically, the buck stopped with my grandmother.

Strength

Why do I bring up this point? My intention is to show how one can be subservient while being strong. For those who believe that being submissive to someone else is a sign of weakness and an invitation to walk all over that person, think again. This was a living example of how strength and submissiveness are not mutually exclusive.

In fact, I believe that for one to properly submit, he or she requires a great deal of strength. The 'kiddie doms' of the world like to believe that a submissive is someone who is needy and weak. This is not the case. The concept of giving one's life completely to another is something that few of us can identify with. There needs to be a tremendous amount of trust, confidence, and inner desire to serve for this to occur. It is sad how so many want to pervert this idea into something shameful. It is not. A true submissive is one of the strongest people that you will meet. She is one who knows exactly what is wanted and is willing to go get it. This is done in spite of the societal conditioning that teaches the exact opposite. In the Western cultures, we do not value service. Instead, we promote power and domination. I can assure you that it takes just as much strength to serve as it does to control.

Clarity

Many refer to the 1950s as a simpler time where good values were exhibited by almost everyone. While there is certainly some truth to this, I believe it was a time where people had clarity. What I mean by this is that the power structure was obvious. Everyone knew the roles.

For example, my grandmother was the backbone of the family. She was obligated with the responsibility of raising the children. This meant that discipline was part of the deal. And it was a role that she took to heart (as I learned her ways did not stop with only her children but grandchildren also). Since my grandfather was not present a great deal of the time, she was left to tend to the daily mishaps which would arise with such a bunch. Everyone knew who was in charge.

Of course, she always had the immortal threat 'wait until your father gets home'. I can only imagine what that would be like...dealing with a man who just spent 8 hours on a train returning home to find a list of disciplinary actions to be rendered on his plate. Common sense tells me this is a scenario most would try to avoid and from what I heard it rarely took place. My grandmother, for the most part, excelled at handling the problems as they arose. Her husband was the breadwinner; she tended to the children. Nothing can be clearer than that.

BDSM help to define the different roles within the relationship. The power structure is clear. There is one person in charge and the other follows. Equality, when it comes to power, is not part of the equation. It is impossible to step on toes since each person is assigned with a different responsibility. If each takes his/her position seriously, then you have the foundation for a successful relationship. The problem arises when one (or both) parties are playing games with this. Then the lines of demarcation get skewed.

One final thought. My grandmother never knelt before my grandfather. However, there was no question as to who was the controlling force. Each person knew exactly who had the power without making a spectacle of it. Sadly, we see many in the BDSM world who get all caught up with the protocols of submission. Those who need one to kneel before him to feel in control are lacking in power. As my example showed, even without kneeling, all knew what the situation was. Remember this the next time you see someone caught up in the protocol. True power does not come from the protocol followed but, rather, the individuals involved in the relationship.

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Be Proud

2011-05-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

Pride is a dirty word in our society. Few are taught the value of having pride in oneself. Instead, most equate it with being cocky and arrogant. That is not the case. Pride is an ingrained belief about what and who one is. It is respecting the abilities that one has while showing an appreciation for them. Those who are boastful often do so as a means of compensating for that exact thing they are boasting about. This is radically different then 'being proud'.

Who You Are

I tell everyone they should be proud of who they are. Those who buy into shame are apt to be controlled by outside forces. While this might make sense a lifestyle that has control as a central tenet, the fact is that the external forces that I am referring are non-consensual.

Most are slaves to the concepts and ideas of society. Dogma rules the majority of society. People willing drink the 'kool-aid' without a thought about what they are doing. It matters none who is exerting the power, the result is always the same. Enslaving the masses is a goal that goes back to the beginning of civilization.

Governments and religions do this all the time. We see teachings offered up without a thought as to the validity of what is being said. In fact, we are taught that blind faith is an admirable quality. Talk about turning one into a marshmallow. Take away one's ability to think and question and you control them.

Being proud is all about questioning and arriving at your own conclusion. Those who embrace who they are with high esteem are able to formulate their lives as they see fit. They are the ones who resist the Kool-Aid. People who are involved in the BDSM world seem to fit into this category. One typically does not find an alternative lifestyle without questioning the traditional. Most everyone I met within the lifestyle went through this process to one degree or another.

The idea is to embrace who you are. Even though mainstream society has its opinions about how we live, the truth is there are thousands of people who think exactly how you do. Therefore, it is in your best interest to not feel the shame that society tries to bestow upon people who are 'different'.

Pride Within BDSM

This entire conversation takes an interesting turn when we isolate the conversation to BDSM. Remember I wrote that those who believe without question are apt to be controlled in a non-consensual way. That is exactly what happens within the online BDSM community. We see the kiddie doms running around different sites degrading the submissive ones in a misguided effort to gain control. Well, if you find yourself in this situation, use some common sense to salvage yourself.

One who is submissive should be proud. There is no shame in being this way. If you are like many I encountered, your submissiveness is not something that you became but, rather, was uncovered. In other words, it is a natural trait within you. Those who want to look down upon this exemplify the fact that they are clueless as to what this is all about.

Any dominant who thinks that a submissive is less than shows a lack of respect for the lifestyle. The truth is there are two sides to the coin and one cannot exist without another. It is the old yin/yang idea. One needs the other in order to excel. If there was nobody who was submissive, then domination would not take place. Both need each other. While I acknowledge that the power structure is not equal, the fact that it takes two shows that each has a role to play in the relationship.

At the same time, we also see those who want to judge others because of their likes. The simple reality is that there are many different areas of interest. Some want to be used and treated like total sluts. Still others prefer to live as dogs or ponies. Some like diapers (age play). We have daddy doms. Everything you can think of is contained under the umbrella of BDSM. Yet, there are many who want to shame others for their preferences.

This is where pride comes in. Just because some others (or the masses even) do not agree with your preferences, that does not mean that you should not be proud of who you are. Whatever your fetish, take pride in your desires. There is nothing wrong with them. Shed those Puritan ideals who instill so much guilt into people and be free. Why should a woman be ashamed of liking sex (a lot)? It is only because of an archaic belief system that this concept exists. If you like sex, and get a lot of it (i.e. a slut), be proud. So what if some do not approve.

Having a poor self esteem is a dead end way to approach life. Look within yourself with pride. Whatever your desires, let them flow with glee. This is your life to live as you see fit. If you can ingrain this in your thinking, then the next time you encounter those moronic 'doms' online, you can simply tell them to kiss off. You are worth more than they are offering. This is what a healthy pride will give you. It is there for the taking.

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100% Commitment

2011-05-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many have this mindset in any area of their life? It seems that our society today is wrought with doubt and uncertainty. Perhaps this is a sign of the times or it is merely are reflection of something that happens all the time; i.e. all times are filled with uncertainty.

Nevertheless, I see so many who approach this lifestyle with the zeal of going to the dentist. Instead of looking at it as a decision which will impact one's life, I see so many who are into 'testing the water;'. Certainly, I do feel that not everyone is designed for this way of life. However, for those that are, it is best to approach it with more than just an optimistic outlook.

Becoming An Expert

Does the average person know what it takes to become an expert at anything? Again, I am being led to the conclusion that most do not. It is sad to see so many waffling through life in general. Yet it is really tragic when I see people doing it within this lifestyle. Something that is the source of so much pleasure turns into a humdrum experience because of an unwillingness to learn.

I wrote a post on my social site the other day titled "Learn. Learn. Learn.". The essence of the post was that one needs to commit to learning about this lifestyle no matter what the point. In other words, lifelong learning is something that is present when following this path. Nobody, regardless of how long around this lifestyle, knows everything. There is always something new to uncover.

Of course, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the new people need to dedicate the time and effort to learn what is going on. So many enter and try to apply traditional methods to this way of life. In short time, they fail. The problem is they never commit to making this a study. Instead, they want to jump into a relationship after only a few days.

Those who want to become an expert at this lifestyle are the ones who find success. Making BDSM a study is a central tenet of my life. I want to know all there is about what people are involved in. Knowledge comes from all areas. Everyone can assist me on my journey. However, it only is that way because I committed to it.

100% Commitment

Most are 'tire kickers'. These are the ones who approach this lifestyle like one does when entering a car showroom. When approached by a salesperson, they reply "We are just looking". Of course, tire kickers do not buy anything.

How does this apply to the BDSM world. The vast majority of those who are 'involved' in the lifestyle are just playing. They are here looking to see what they can find. Some just want to get laid. Others want to liven up their sex lives. Still others are bored and just want someone to chat with. Whatever the reasoning, these people will delve into nothing more than just the basics. They do not care about anything more.

Those who are 100% committed have a much different outlook. To start, they have a built in belief that they will succeed 'no matter what'. This dedicated attitude means that all obstacles will be overcome. Another term for this is persistence. The committed persist even when they encounter assholes who make one want to throw in the towel. They also study and inquire about all aspects of the lifestyle. For example, have you looked into kitten, pony, or dog play? How about diaper play? Needle and blood play? Fire play? These are all aspects of the lifestyle that people are presently involved in and enjoy. Perhaps many of them are not for you but knowing about them is worthwhile.

At the same time, have you studied the psychology of submission and domination? There are many publications in the field of psychology that deals with these subjects. How about the impact of psychic vampires on your well being? There are many people who will drain your energy if you allow them. What about the deep commitment level that comes from being completely responsible for another human being? Have you looked into that and what that requires? These are all areas which are open to exploration.

My suggestion is commit to learning as much as you can about the BDSM world in an effort to see what applies to your life. While there are a great many things that will hold no interest to you, I will surmise that your experience (and you success levels) will increase by having this knowledge. There are so many who are walking around blindly that those who commit to expansion are the ones who are able to enjoy and be fulfilled. Contrary to popular opinion, BDSM is a lot more than just kinky sex.

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Domination: What the hell are you waiting for?

2011-04-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

I often write that before one can be a Master to someone else, he must first have mastery over himself. This is a logical point yet one that most seem to miss. It is evident when you look at the individuals running around proclaiming to be 'Masters'.

Mastery=Excellence

What does it mean to master something? In short, the idea that comes to mind for me is excellence. One who is a master has the ability to excel at that particular craft. We often see this word applied to a skilled position such as carpentry. When one reaches a particular level in that field, he or she is known as a 'Master Carpenter'. This is a title worthy of respect because it is based upon excellence.

Of course, and this is where we see the difference in the BDSM world, it takes a lot of time to become a Master in a field such as this. One does not pick up a hammer and state 'I am a Master Carpenter'. One would be laughed out of the industry if he did. The truth is it takes hard work, persistent dedication, and a great deal of learning to accomplish this. Master is equated with excellence.

Slugs

Now we look at the BDSM world. How does this differ from the craft positions I just mentioned? The answer is simply summed up in two words: self proclamation. Most believe that they are Master if they just announce themselves so. No learning or experience is required. Instead, since they believe they have an inborn dominant streak, they feel worthy of this title. And, as we see on different websites populated with these lost beings, they demand respect from anyone who crosses their path.

The truth is that most people are nothing more than slugs. This applies to society at large but I will isolate it to just the BDSM world. Weakness is the common trait among the masses. We see this in how people lead their everyday lives. Nothing they do is respectable. In many ways, they provide little in any manner. Instead, we see them act like vultures sponging off everyone they can.

Domination is a lot more than just issuing orders. Any fool can do that. Those who truly understand this concept know that it is taking life situations and contouring them to your outcome. Those who dominate have the ability to forge ahead and create the results he or she desires. Unlike our online friends who want to tell us all that is excellent about them, a true Master is focused upon action. The world is based upon results and that is what people follow.

What The Hell Are You Waiting For?

It is sad to see this idea lost on so many. While we can easy discount the 'kiddie doms' who are playing their online games, I find that this concept applies to many who are around the lifestyle for a long time. It seems that they lost their way when it comes to the domination that is naturally within them.

Procrastination is a trait that most of us suffer from. There is not a person walking the planet who is not apt to succumb to this tendency at least once in a while. Yet, one who proclaims himself to be a Master should be able to control this within himself. As mentioned, before you can dominate someone else, you best get dominion over yourself. Eliminating procrastination is one major avenue you have to pursue.

What the hell are you waiting for? I hear so many who mention they need to lost 30 pounds yet are doing nothing about it. Their career is trashed but they refuse to leave the comfort of their job to seek something better. They talk about starting a new hobby or taking a trip without ever doing anything about it. Once again, we see a lot of talk which overwhelms the amount of action taken. Here, our experienced Master is acting exactly like the 'kiddie doms'.

I find this phenomenon interesting considering the fact that most Masters expect their slaves to act instantly. You will rarely find a Master is who tolerant of procrastination in a slave yet he will overlook it within himself all day long. Once again we easily see the hypocrisy in this mindset.

Domination is all about action. If one wants another to follow, he damn well better be ready to lead. Issuing orders may seem like domination but it really only makes one look like an ass. Those who are true leaders have others follow because of the action that is taken. Leaders do not sit back and wait for life to cater to their needs. Instead, they change the situations around them to create the results desired. Excellence comes from being active, not passive.

So, whatever is on your list, get off you butt and do it. There is no reason to wait any longer.

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A Submissive's Self Esteem

2011-04-25T15:23:00.000-07:00

On my social website, I wrote a post the other day about submissive types who feel the need to post on their profiles that they are not a 'doormat'. The point of the post is that those who understand the lifestyle do not equate submissiveness with weakness. In fact, those that are weak really do not belong in the BDSM arena. It takes strength to live this life.

Desperation

To start, those who are weak tend to come from a place of desperation. What this means is the person who is entering the lifestyle has two strikes against him or her. In my experience, most will fall prey to those who are ill-intentioned. The desperation causes one to accept things someone with a higher esteem would not.

Again I say, submission is not a sign of weakness. Those who believe that submissive people are meant to be preyed upon really do not understand the strength that is required to live this lifestyle. Instead, they hop from site to site trolling for anyone naive enough to think they are worth more than a laugh.

How does the situation change when one has a healthy self-esteem. From the onset, a person of this ilk will not find herself submitting to someone who is nothing more than an ass disguised as a Dom/Master. Those who are desperate often exhibit the tendency to submit to anyone who will pay attention. I am firmly convinced many would submit to a tree if given the opportunity. Their lives are that empty and unsuccessful.

Also, one who is not desperate will be willing to wait. Patience is not something the needy have. Instead, they jump at the first person and want to go from hello to moving in. We see this all the time from our wonderful online submissives who tell us they are moving in with Master (that they only met online three weeks ago). Would a healthy person do this? I think not.

Value In Service

I found those who lack a good self-esteem are of little worth to me. People who fall into the category tend to be childish in their outlook. They believe that being a slave is about being taken care of. Their 'service' is a guise for their real motivation: they want someone to provide for them. While I acknowledge that a true Master looks after and is willing to offer all a slave needs, when one is lacking self worth, the ability to perform is diminished.

Those with standards need to realize that there are many who are quite frankly beneath them. I state this as a matter of practicality. There majority of people I encounter, especially online, are neurotic. I will caveat here to mention that this idea applies equally to our so called 'dominants' as it does those on the submissive side. I find there is a lack of appreciable skills available. As a Master, I am not seeking someone to babysit. However, this is what is required.

Also, when dealing with someone with absolutely no esteem, the ability to teach and grow is diminished. One who is coming from this perspective requires a great deal of effort in just the common sense approaches to life. While past abuse certainly can play a part in all this, the truth is that a Master is often taking on more than he can handle in this scenario. People of this nature ought to get the proper treatment from the psychological profession before moving into this realm.

People who want to serve are to be appreciated and respected. I believe that one's submission is a natural tendency that one uncovers. Because of this, one should not be degraded or put down simply because of their natural makeup. Those who feel that the submissive side of the equation is the 'weaker' one are sadly mistaken. Living a life of service goes against every teaching of our society. We are trained to strive for power and achievement. Working our way up the corporate ladder is the common mindset. Those who are employed in the service sector are looked down upon and treated miserably. This conception is firmly implanted in all that enter into this lifestyle. Yet, many proceed forward because of the value they can offer through their service.

A Job From Within

Self-esteem is an inner job. People who are weak tend to blame others for their plight in life. The fact is that we all choose our own paths. If one is of adult age, all decisions are yours. The responsibility of your life rests firmly on your shoulders. Even though we have ideas placed within us, we are the ones who determine whether they remain or not.

Those who look to a Master, husband, boyfriend, or anyone else for their esteem will quickly realize that they will never have any. It is not what you do that mandates your level of esteem but how you feel about yourself. Self-esteem translates into strength. Yet so few have it because they cede this power to everyone else.

The truth is that what others think of you is of little importance. In fact, in most instances, it is none of your business. Sure we want our children to respect and admire us....something that rarely happens. Our spouses love us but most often we want them fawning all over us. Our employers need to show continual appreciation for the wonderful work we do or else we are nervous about our worth. And on and on it goes.

Ultimately, the seeking of worth from outside becomes addictive. Like a drug, there is never enough. Those who live according to the appreciation of others will never find peace and contentment since they are always concerned about the viewpoint of others. A 'congratulation' today turns into 'why doesn't he appreciate me anymore' tomorrow. Those seeking the continual admiration and recognition of others are the weakest members of our society. If this is a person seeking a life in the BDSM world, they are in for a tough haul. These are the ones we see continually taken advantage of by the pretenders.

Resign yourself not to be one of these people. Start the process of working on your own self-esteem by looking in the mirror and liking who you are. If there are some things about yourself you dislike, then work on changing them. But, understand that your worth as a submissive is directly tied to how you view yourself. If you are one who feels you are worthless, then you will be. Get ready to be abused because that is the path you are choosing to follow.

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Communal Living: BDSM's Answer

2011-04-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

I do not mention my other interests outside the BDSM realm on this blog. However, for those who are unaware, I am an ardent student of economics. I read all I can about the state of our economic situation while looking for the trends of the future. While I will spare you all the dry details, the conclusions I reached are that we are experiencing a multitude of bubbles that are going to pop over the next few years. What does this mean? Simply, that things are going to get a lot worse so we had best prepare for it.

These statements are made within the context of not being a 'gloom and doomer'. I believe that we will get through what is coming but there will be a lot more pain involved (and not the kind pain sluts enjoy). Ultimately, life as we know it is going to be altered.

Therefore, we need to look at ways to reestablish our lives for the oncoming crisis. Shared resources is going to be the way to go.

Communal Living

I long have been a fan of the idea of communal living. This is an idea that was tried in the 1960s and 1970s in the hippie movement. While experiencing a degree of success, I will state that, overall, the results were not very good. There are many reasons for this most of which do not negate the basic premise. Sadly, other factors and beliefs interrupted the advancement of this idea.

While some want to downplay this concept, we must consider that it is a central part of man's existence. The only difference is that we did not use the term 'communal living'. For centuries, we were a hunting and gathering tribe. People roamed the planet in packs using the resources of each other to survive. Well, a tribe is a form of communal living.

Another example is those cultures where generations of families lived under the same roof. Think of The Waltons for those of you familiar with this program. You had three (and sometimes four) generations living together. They all pitched in for the advancement of the family. This is another form of communal living.

The main advantage of this idea is that fixed costs are spread across more people while the income potential is greatly increased. The only expansion of expense is variable; i.e. a small increase proportional to each additional person. For example, another person will add to the food bill but a fixed expense, like the mortgage, remains the same. In times of economic uncertainty, this is a viable answer to the turmoil others are facing.

BDSM and Communal Living

Being an alternative lifestyle, the BDSM community, at least in theory, should be open to other ideas of living structure. In fact, there are many examples where this is already in existence. BDSM is more open to change than the traditional world since our minds are conditioned to think differently.

One area that is glaring to me with this concept is the arrangement of a multi-slave household. Here is a structure where three or more adults live under the same roof. Like was mentioned in the last section, this helps to spread the fixed costs over three people instead of two. At the same time, all three contribute to the benefit of everyone.

We see this same idea in a poly family (which many multi-slave households fall under). In this situation, we have multiple adults residing in the same household while putting forth effort which will help all involved. I guess you could say the major difference with a polyamorous household and mulit-slave is the emotional structure of each relationship.

In both these situations, the 'family' is central to everyone's efforts. Like the multi-generational family which was established by bloodline, this scenario offers the same effect. In essence, the sum is greater than the parts. All parties involved are working towards a collective end, one that could not be derived on their own. Ultimately, the needs of the family exceed that of the individual.

The Future

I believe we will see more of these structures established over the next few years. People are going to have to make adjustments based upon need. With unemployment running so high (and destined to get worse), you will see people offering their services in exchange for things other than money. Since service is a concept central to the BDSM world, it is an idea we are familiar with.

At the same time, I feel you will see the joining of couples in a communal spirit. This might involved 4, 6, 8, or even 10 people. While the individuals involved might not be sexually or emotionally involved, the pragmatic side will necessitate creating alternative living arrangements. A 'community' of this size will further enhance people's ability to deal with the foreseen downturn.

We like to think that mentally we are more open than society in general. I sense this is the case for many of us. Adopting an alternative lifestyle requires a shift in thinking from the general masses. What is considered 'not normal' suddenly becomes common for us. This provides us with a large lead when it comes to adapting to our surroundings. Those stuck in the mainstream mindset will resist being open to new ideas until they are forced upon them. Necessity is the mother of all invention. It is also the answer to closed-mindedness. Those who are open to start will embrace the realities much easier.

Consider the idea as you start to see things unraveling in the next few years. While it might feel like you are swallowing your pride to admit that you cannot make it on your own, fear not since there are and will be many who are in the same boat. The future economics are not positive. In an explosive economy, getting ahead is the focus. When things are at the other extreme, survival is the name of the game. Communal living offers a wonderful opportunity to alter the future reality in your favor. As people who live the BDSM lifestyle, we know that embracing new ideas is crucial. Ponder this one.

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Living The Life You Want

2011-04-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

BDSM is about freedom. I write this statement often which usually will get a snicker out of people. How can a life choice that includes bondage, slavery, and Masters have anything to do with freedom? Simple. If you use the title of this post as your definition of freedom, you can see how those who are involved in BDSM are free.

Ignorantly Imprisoned

The average person is a prisoner. I do not care what statistic or study you refer to, it is a simple fact that most people are unhappy. They despise their work, live in unhappy relationships, and abuse drugs and/or alcohol. We see the percentages in each of these areas increasing which means the problem is only getting worse.

I am an enemy of the traditional mindset of society. Being a lover of freedom, I detest how people's individualism is being eroded for the sake of the powerful. Today, people are taught the rule of conformity as a means to happiness and success. Of course, the studies are showing how false this is. Instead, we have an entire class (the majority) living in an imprisoned state without even knowing it. They are ignorantly imprisoned.

Few have the kahunas to make a choice that breaks from the norm. Approaching things in this manner means that one risks being ostracized by those closest to him or her. Individuality is not recognized without a judgment. Those around us are usually willing to express their disappointed opinion. Therefore, most conform.

Rejection is the Path

Living the life you want means rejecting the common notions that society presents. I like to say that dogma is dogma regardless of the source. Parents, governments, and churches all have their take on how you should live your life. Failure to do so carries with it certain 'penalties' ranging from a lack of approval to eternal damnation. In other words, you are condemned if you stray outside the norm of acceptability.

BDSM is about individual choice. We do not create a 'cookie cutter' type outlook. People are free to choose to structure their relationships however they desire. While I am a proponent of people keeping certain concepts according to definition, I do not believe anyone is required to live in a particular pattern. Individuals are free to select whatever model of relationship they want even if it is a combining of different aspects of many. This is your life, not anyone else.

Starting in the Mind

Most are in situations that was mandated by societal edict. For example, it is not uncommon for someone to be in a vanilla marriage when he or she finds this lifestyle. The search was stimulated by something within and suddenly the dominant or submissive trait was exposed. Of course, the issue arises when one desires his/her partner act in a manner that reciprocates the inner need. This is where the problem sets in. One cannot make a square peg fit into a round hole.

Whenever I encounter a situation such as this, I am sure to mention that one is most likely 'stuck' in that position for the immediate future. Thus, it is best not to try to go from vanilla to M/s in 2.2 seconds. Life does not work that way. Instead, one is wise to use the time to learn and understand what this lifestyle is all about. There are many layers to explore and being bound to a vanilla relationship allows one to safely navigate what can be dangerous waters.

BDSM starts with the mind. It is said the brain is the most powerful sex organ. This is true. No matter what one's internal mechanism, either dominant or submissive, each carries a degree of mental adjusting. The BDSM world and relationship therein are vastly different from the traditional mode. Anyone who wants to succeed in this arena needs to make that mental conversion. Time is an ally in this endeavor.

Of course, most people want to approach it in the opposite manner. Instead of using time to their advantage, they want to jump in full barrel. That is why we see so many people in relationships with the wrong type of people after being around this life for a few weeks. Impatience is one thing that will stop you from living the life you want. Do you really want to trade one nightmare for another? Seems most do since they are unwilling to follow the suggestions of others. Alas, I have given up trying to reason with people of this ilk. Their unhappiness will follow them because they cannot get out of their own way.

For the remaining cast, I will tell you that BDSM is freedom. You can live the life you want. Be willing to accept that it might take some time to get there. Along the way, there are some decisions to make which will be difficult. Many people are affected by your choices....do not believe that you live in a vacuum. Consider the effect on those around you. However, always remember that being true to yourself is of utmost importance. A life of servitude and bondage just might be your path to freedom.

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Am I Normal

2011-04-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

This is a question many newer people ask. When one finds this way of life, it is interesting to note how radically different the thinking is from the norm. People are conditioned by society to behave in certain ways. To step outside the boundaries that are erected is to risk a great deal. Many feel 'out of place'.

What Is Normal?

I believe this is a much better question to ask. Answer this for me: what is normal? Do you have any idea? Naturally, what we see around us is presumed to be the norm. However, can we be absolutely certain that our eyes are correct?

The truth is we cannot. An example I will cite is the idea of happiness. Do you feel most people are happy? I sense most would answer this in the affirmative. Even though we are miserable, we tend to believe that everyone around us is having a gala time. Of course, this is not true. The fact that more than half the marriages are resulting in divorce means that there are a lot of people miserable in their primary relationship. I surmise this creates a lot of tension among the rest of the family.

So what is normal? It seems from the above mentioned example that misery is somewhere on the list. If you are not convinced, let us use work as another way to validate this idea. Surveys show that 70% of the workforce detests their jobs. Again, that means that the majority of people are miserable at work.

Therefore, we have misery at work and home. Seems like a no-win situation for society. Sadly, this is a statement of fact. Most are doomed. They turn to alcohol, drugs, or retail therapy to feel differently in their lives. I believe most feel that there is no situation that a big screen tv wont fix. This is what constitutes normal.

Don't Catch It

Whatever normal is, I dont want it. Be sure not to catch that disease because it is fatal. We all need to take the proper steps to ensure we are as abnormal as possible. This is where our true salvation lies.

BDSM is an alternative lifestyle. Even with the growth over the last few decades, it certainly cannot be considered a mainstream way of life. Instead, it is a choice that most have to consciously make that goes against most of what that person was taught. Structuring one's life around BDSM principles will make anyone question what he or she is doing. Ultimately, I feel most are taking steps towards freedom.

Society is a bunch of slaves. And this is not a good thing. I know this seems like an odd thing to write on a BDSM site. However, people who live this lifestyle are not slaves in the sense of how society approaches. Instead, we are free people living life as we see fit. Making a conscious choice that eludes the average person is elevating us to another level.

Society places unconscious chains on people. They are imprisoned without even knowing it. The 'rat race' is designed to hold them at bay. The entire process is rigged against them if the play by the rules. The lazy, immature, and unintelligent are subject to being taken by those who do not behave in this manner. Since the vast percentage of the population blindly drinks the Kool-Aid, those of us who question it seems to be outcasts.

Big Circle

The BDSM world is a big circle. There are hundreds of thousands of people involved in real time BDSM relationship as we speak (perhaps even millions). We are not a small cult somewhere off in the middle of the woods. Instead, we are an everyday part of society doing the same things as everyone else. The main difference is we choose to structure our relationships in a way that suits us. This is a big step away from the average Joe who is blind.

Shed those feelings of isolation and self doubt. There are more of us than you think. Leaving the traditional way of life can be overwhelming at first. However, it is important for one to realize that much of this process begins in one's head. The early stages of your education should be mostly mental. The truth is, if done properly, that most areas of your life will not change instantly. It takes time to transition from one lifestyle to the other.

Interacting with others who are involved in the lifestyle can be extremely helpful. That is one of the reasons why I established the An Owned Life Social Community. New people need to get the education that will allow their minds to think differently as compared to what they were taught. Also, it is crucial for one to see that there are many people who are already living as he or she desires. This will offer hope when one feels alone and isolated.

So, to answer the question, you most certainly are not normal. And that is a good thing. If you are interested in BDSM, you are one who is willing to question what is considered to be the prevailing wisdom. Only the free can do that. The rest are too busy being mindless minions to consider any other possibility. That is what normal is.

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In Between: Online and Real Time

2011-04-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

The difference between online and real time is an age old discussion among the BDSM community since the invention of the Internet. Ever since the words 'virtual reality' were utters a couple decades back, people are trying to make the online experience ever more 'reality reflective'. Sadly, this is an impossible task thus the term virtual. Online can replicate reality but it cannot replace it.

Real Time

Life is lived in real time. It is that simple. People's experiences reside in the here and now. No matter how much people try to implement online as a substitute for reality, the fact stands that we are 'face-to-face' people. This is something that is naturally within us.

Humans beings are designed to utilize the five senses. For those who were absent that day, these senses are sight, smell, touch, hearing, and taste. Our daily lives are filled with instances where these senses are put to use. And, the stronger the stimulant of the sense, the more memorable it is. A thought that sticks with me whenever I think of smell is the rancid smell of orange rinds when I go to my daughters. There is a Tropicana plant that casts an aroma for 500 yards. It is memorable to say the least.

The problem with online is that we are unable to have many of these senses provoked. In fact, taste, smell, and touch are not present in online communications. The two senses utilized are hearing and sight with the former being missing in many interactions. Therefore, no matter how much the pro-online people claim that their relationships properly reflect reality, the biological makeup of an individual proves otherwise.

The Role of Online

That does not mean that online fails to have its' place. As I wrote on countless occasions, the Internet is a wonderful tool for garnering information and interacting with people from around the world. It is a simple truth that we now have access to people we otherwise never could have found before. Today, with the click of a mouse, you can 'converse' with a total stranger on the other side of the world. This opened the BDSM community to a much larger arena. I feel this is one of the benefits of the Internet on this lifestyle.

Of course, we all know this came with a cost. The anonymity of this mechanism allows people to present themselves in a fraudulent manner. We see all kinds of scams, cons, and games played. Individuals find themselves having their lives wrecked because of the actions of these unethical morons. The sad truth is their desperation and gullibility led them to make decisions which were harmful. Warnings of what exists online are aboud yet people still fail to pay heed. Nevertheless, online interaction does have a role in the BDSM community.

In Between

Many seem to feel there are only the two extremes of either online or real time. This is something that divides the community when, in fact, many do not consider the process. When people look at things under this light, they realize that it is not an all or none. Also, one can see how one needs to move from online very quickly.

The truth is that meeting someone online creates basic logistical problems. While it is possible to meet another who is local, we find that many are from distant lands. It is common for someone to be on the other side of the country or, even, the world. How does one deal with this?

Again, I simply point to the process. The goal is to get from online to real time as quickly as possible. Logistically speaking, this might take some time. So, what other option is there? My answer is something that the traditional world, especially military personnel knew about for generations. It is called the 'long distant relationship'.

Since few can up and move in 3.2 minutes, it is best to move from an online relationship to a long distance. This means implementing traditional communications methods immediately. The Internet is one medium to use. There is also the basic telephone, letters (hand written), and in person visits. When one applies these methods to a relationship, I do not feel he or she is involved online. This situation is no consider long distance.

Compatibility

The problem with moving instantly from online to real time is that one truly does not know if he or she is compatible with the other person. Naturally, we can say this about all relationships but this is magnified when one is only dealing online. Since the 5 senses are not used, one cannot fully 'experience the other person. This only can be done in person. For example, some people have horrific body odor. You will not get a whiff (pun intended) of this online. Meet the individual face-to-face and you will instantly. It might be a deal breaker.

Relationships take time to develop. My experience is that it is foolhardy and senseless to go from online to real time too quickly especially if relocation is involved. Therefore, utilize the idea of a long distant relationship as a intermediate step. Apply the traditional forms of communication. Meet the person a time or two to see how he or she resides with your other senses. If you do this, you will find that your relationship is on stronger footing if you do decide to move forward.

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The Depth of BDSM

2011-03-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

Sebastian Junger wrote a book called War detailing his experiences in Afghanistan with a platoon of 30 men. What struck this man is that, upon returning home, the soldiers miss the field even those it was "the worst possible experience". Many people seem to conclude that people of this ilk are adrenaline junkies who are addicted to the 'high'. The truth is they miss the brotherhood.

Many who have served and saw combat will refer to the camaraderie that developed between the other members of the platoon. Even people who did not particularly like each other, soon forgot their differences when the enemy was in front of them. The truth is that each person knows that his life depends upon everyone else. Nobody exists on a solo platform there. To come back alive, it takes participation of everyone.

The Depth

Can you imagine the depth of these relationships? While I am certain it is spoken about, the feeling is definitely there in the short term. Perhaps it is something that exits a person once he or she returns to the safety of home. However, while in the depths of the battleground, the bond between these people is unshakable.

How does any of this pertain to BDSM? The reason why I mention it is because it is my experience that this is what happens in many BDSM relationships, especially those who are built around the extreme exchange of power. Once an individual truly has the life of another in his/her hands, then that takes the relationship to a deeper level.

My opinion is that BDSM relationships ultimately, when allowed to develop over time, will strike at a much deeper level than a traditional one. The power exchange component is something that is powerful in nature. While it creates an atmosphere of dependence on the part of the submissive one, it also causes him or her to focus attention solely on the needs of the other. This is something that will instantly separate one from the traditional idea.

Love

Many people ask me if one will love a slave. Certainly, I do not speak for every relationship out there and there are many foundations upon which they are built. However, in the vast majority of the situations I was privy to, I do believe that a form of 'love' was present. Now I will state that this is an emotion that I feel differs from the traditional love that exists between spouses. While this can be present, I sensed again that it is something deeper.

Those who study any of the Far Eastern philosophies knows about the Chakras. Using them as examples, I will state that the common belief is that love is located at the heart. This makes sense and many things in our Western culture reflect this idea. At the same time, there are many who proclaim matters of the heart are more powerful than intellectual (i.e. mind) ones because the heart is located deeper in the body. Are you with me so far?

Using this logic, the belief continues to the concept of the 'gut'. It should not surprise anyone that this area is located precisely where all those extra beers reside. For those who do over indulge on a regular basis, then you will not have a problem pinpointing this part of your body. And, since this is lower than the heart, we are taught to 'listen to our guts'.

Therefore, intellect resides in our mind, love in the heart, and instinct in the gut. Traditional relationships operate on the love level (once they get past the sexual stage which is located....well you can venture a guess at that one). This is the creme-de-la-creme. All those people who are deeply in love with their significant other has a deep heartfelt connection. Their love is true.

Domination/Submission

Which brings me to my final lesson. Where does domination and submission reside? At what level do people operate when one enters into a BDSM relationship? Is it the heart, mind, or instinct level? Certainly, there has to be a place for it.

My belief is that power exchange relationships are more powerful simply for the fact that they strike a chord that is lower in one's body. Using the chakra idea, the location of one's domination or submission is at his/her core. And to me, I find that this is located right below the navel at the level of the pubic hair line. This is why I feel that many newer people are overwhelmed with sexual feelings once entering the BDSM lifestyle. If you notice where it is located on the body, it is easy to see why one would misinterpret what is being felt.

Therefore, when one has his/her domination or submission fulfilled, that is a lot more powerful than love. Just like there is power in the heart, I feel there is more that emanates from the 'pubic chakra' (for lack of a better word). We see how the heart is stronger than the mind and the instinct overrides the heart. Using this same philosophy, the fulfillment of domination and submission is equally overpowering. This is what creates the incredible depth.

Multiplies Everything

Obviously we know there are certain qualities that are present in every healthy relationship. Things such as honesty, trust, candor, and compassion are often mentioned. And rightly so. A healthy relationship will have all of these things and more. However, I found that the depths of a BDSM relationship, specifically M/s, multiplies these qualities also moving them to a greater level.

Let us use trust as an example. In my situation, my slave has access to my financial affairs. She utilizes my debit card when she does the shopping for the house. I trust her to spend wisely within the parameters I established and not exceed it. Anything that she desires or needs outside of that is requested for. That is how it works.

You might reply, 'Big Deal. Most married couples are like that.' Well it trust takes on an added twist when you recognize that she is dependent upon me for everything including life's basic necessities. It is my responsibility to feed and clothe her. Her entire paycheck becomes mine. This requires a substantial amount of trust that I will not only provide for her but also that I will not waste it. There are many who are financially illiterate. She needs to trust me that she will be taken care of in all instances.

Obviously this example does not do justice to the feelings that I am mentioning. Some things are outside the bounds of our vocabulary. Thousands of writers have tried to articulate the essence of love without sufficiency. This falls into a similar category. Whatever emotional power love contains, the feelings associated with true domination and submission is proportionately more powerful. To find this out, ask anyone who was in a long term M/s relationship. They will often point to the depth of the feelings and the emotional connection to another person.

I will close by stating that I feel I have the same connection to my slave as the men in combat do to their peers. This journey is one that I am not walking alone. For me to dominate, I need someone who is submissive. And for her submission to be fulfilled, she needs a dominant. However, unlike battle, this is something that continues ongoing. That is the depth of BDSM.

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The Old Way of Judging

2011-03-19T07:17:00.001-07:00

"What is wrong with me?"
"I must really be twisted."
"I am really sick."

These are all statements I heard uttered by people as they delve deeper into the lifestyle. For those approach this in the proper way, there are many things about oneself that unfolds. Of course, over time, we might uncover some things which we never thought possible. That is why I really believe that most limits are nothing more than mental roadblocks. Most can be overcome in time. That being said, true limits are also a part of the BDSM process and establishing those boundaries are important.

Society's View

I regularly write about the impact that society has on each of us. We are all products of our environment to one degree or another. From the start, those around us are influencing everything about us. What we wear, foods we like, careers we choose, and beliefs are all dictated by the people who are closest to us. At the same time, the marketers and other power brokers in society lay claim to another aspect of influence. In short, we do not grow up and operate in a glass bubble. Everyday we are impacted by others around us.

This means that we tend to adopt the common outlook of society. Few take the initiative to really consider what he or she believes. Most of us simply 'drink the Kool-Aid' without question. Dogma is powerful because we so readily accept it. Blind faith is something that we are told to strive for. This, in my opinion, is a clear path to slavery (and not the kind we practice in the BDSM world). Every decision we make that is at the request of someone else is giving our power away. We cease being individuals instead enlisting in the collectivism mindset.

Take Back Control

So, what is wrong with you? The short answer to that is 'nothing'. Those who seek a path in the BDSM world are exercising the natural right to decide for oneself what is best. We are all different people. Thus, creating a model that works for everyone is impossible. Even within the BDSM community we see tremendous difference in what people desire. Some are into hardcore degradation and submission while others prefer a much more traditional set up. Whatever your flavor is, the important thing to remember that is it yours.

The key to taking control back from society is to start making choices of what you want and stop judging yourself (and others) based upon those old concepts. Sure, society thinks a lot of things are perverted. It does not mean they are correct. The truth is that it labels things in this manner as a means of controlling your behavior. Introducing taboos is an effective methodology for preventing people from engaging in certain actions. Most want to conform, a step necessary to fit in. Failure to do so means that one risks being ostracized. This is something that most lack the self esteem to accept.

Individual thinking requires a great deal of strength. It is easy to drink the Kool-Aid and swallow whatever society promotes. There is no risk in that other than sacrificing your entire life. Strength means stepping out onto your own path and following it in spite of the opinions of others. The barometer that is used is not based upon old principles but, rather, the truthfulness that exists within you. This is how we can break free from the guilt-driven control exerted by society.

No Limits

I love the term 'no limits'. It is a concept that conjures up total freedom in my mind. Now, in practicing safety in all my messaging, I will state that everyone has limits which need to be recognized. My intention is not to give the wannabes ammunition to engage in abusive behavior. Safety is always a top priority and there is a point where a sub/slave cannot take anymore. That is called a limit.

What I am referring to is the mental state where one removed all roadblocks. In other words, everything is on the table and nothing prejudged. Sure, society might consider it taboo but if it is your thing, explore it. Of course, I will also caveat here to state that mental exploration and actual engaging in an activity are two different things. The point is that most people negate ideas simply because they are closed minded. The idea is to open yourself up to all that is possible.

For example, many are instantly turned off by watersports. I meet so many who wont even entertain the thought. Yet, once the seed is planted in his/her head, it suddenly starts to grow. After a short period of time, one actually wants to try it. This is in keeping with a submissive nature so why not go for it. Society will call you all kinds of names but you need not be concerned with with what it thinks.

Certainly, one might try this particular activity and find it lacking. That is fine. A person is not going to like everything. However, one might also find that he or she is extremely turned on by it. Thus, by passing on the old judgment system, this individual found something that was enjoyable to him or her.

We need to remember that often the limits we established are based upon the old social conditioning that I mentioned earlier. And, an interesting thing to note, most of society's outlooks will vary among different cultures. For example, in the U.S., we are sickened by the thought of eating dog. However, in many Oriental nations, it is a common meal. Since I have never eaten dog, how can I state whether it is good or not. I might emphasize I would never do that but that is a limit based upon my societal conditioning. To engage in that means I am succumbing to the traditional idea of what is considered normal.

This same concept applies to all areas. Certain activities are considered taboo. But, when you really consider it, the taboo is only in existence in a certain time and place. For example, did you know that during the Greek Empire an adolescent boy gained his first sexual experience by being sodomized by another male (now you know why it is called 'going Greek)? Of course, in our culture today, an act like that will get you extended prison time. It is totally taboo to treat a teenage boy in that manner. Yet, it was part of the culture in Greece many centuries ago. Our limit was their commonplace.

Remember this idea the next time you start to question what is wrong with you simply because you get turned on by some things that society tells you are wrong. It simply might not be the case.

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BDSM Community

2011-03-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to touch upon the social site that I established some time back. This is not a shameless promotion but, rather, a post to educate you about the merits of what is occurring. I realize that many of you are already members there and are participating on a regular basis. However, I feel that many are still unaware that the site exists and what it is about.

Different From The Others

My co-administrator on the social site often mentions the 'Meat Markets' that the typical BDSM communities are. We all know that a site such as Collarme is infested with people who have no clue what this lifestyle is all about. Instead, it is nothing more than people who are either running scams, looking to get laid, or just downright immature. Whatever the motive, the percentage of people who are true and genuine there are in the single digits in my opinion.

At the same time, in reading the postings on Fetlife, there are many who are into role playing versus real life experiences. Now, do not misunderstand...role playing is wonderful in the proper setting. However, it is impossible to build a life around this. BDSM is so much more than that. Yet few people on that site seem to ever mention that.

The site I set up is a combination education and social medium. There are a number of people who share valuable experience about worthwhile topics which pertain to all aspects of the lifestyle. There are a cross-section of people from all over the world. My goal is to have a melting pot of ideas for people to learn from.

At the same time, one actually can interact with people who seem to carry a proper message. Experience is a personal thing. However, many seem to want to read a few blog posts and then move themselves to expert. This is a dangerous situation especially considering the fact that much of the information that people choose from is misleading to start. People end up parroting the lies.

In short, we have a different site developing. We seek to be the best not the biggest. Whereas other places go for the numbers, my aim is to provide the best and most accurate information possible. Because of this, I invite all of you to check it out. This is not a pay site but something that is free. It simply requires a signup of a username, password, and the answering of some basics questions. Go to http://anownedlife.socialparody.com and become of a part of it.

We look forward to seeing you.

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Society Is Uptight

2011-03-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

This post comes from the perspective of an American. I know the views differ around the world. However, the overall consensus is that we are still extremely uptight about sex. This outlook carries over into any type of 'alternative' lifestyle. Anything that is different from the sexual norm is considered taboo.

Sexual Immaturity

I use the term immaturity because that is exactly how I view the perspective that society maintains. Overall, it is sage to say that we operate under a Judeo-Christian mindset. The religious institutions still maintain a great deal of power. Their influence extends into the bedroom with so many suffering from extreme guilt. Religions throughout the ages used sex to control the behaviors of the minions who are following. Consider this: if you can control what someone does in the privacy of their own homes, that is power. And these institutions exert tremendous power.

Few ever take the time to consider what they believe. They are 'Kool-Aid' drinkers to to the nth degree. The Pastor stated it so it must be true. That is their outlook. Religions historically engaged in extreme brainwashing starting at a young age. Hell, if we did that with BDSM and started indoctrinating children at the age of 5 or 6, we would be thrown in jail. But add in a religious element to change things completely.

Now, the point here is not to hammer religion which I could do for hours. My emphasis is to show how people are intolerant of anything outside their belief system. Sexual freedom is not something these people are high on. In fact, they are not lovers of freedom at all. Dogma is meant to do one thing: control. It is the most effective weapon on those who forgo their ability to think.

The bottom line is that sex has gotten a bad rap. It is amazing that something that is so pleasurable and necessary for the survival of the species was turned into an act that contains so much guilt. We see this in all aspects of society. Pornography is stigmatized and 'the work of the devil'. Nudity is considered taboo with people having to fight in court to be able to breast-feed in public (what is sicker than a society that will not allow a woman to feed an infant when needed?). Overall, people want to approach sex like it is a dirty family secret. Everyone knows it is there but few acknowledge it openly.

This outlook reminds me of the young teenager who gets his hands on his first 'girly' magazine. The immaturity level is astounding. To ignore something that is a basis of our life while turning it into a taboo is asinine. But that is exactly how society views it in general. Some are more open minded then others but, overall, vanilla monogamous sexual interludes within the confines of a committed relationship is what is expected. Anything outside of that norm is deviant and perverted.

BDSM

BDSM certainly falls into the category according to societal outlook. Those who enter this life with the urge to tell all about his/her decision quickly realize that open-mindedness is not a strong point of most people. I have seen many who had their families and friends turn away from them simply because of their choice to structure a relationship in a manner which differed from the norm. So much for that thing called 'unconditional love'.

I believe BDSM is a path that many find so as to be true to oneself. Society still believes in the myth of equality. However, many traveled that route only to find it lacking. Many of us do not want to live in a split power relationship. Whether one is submissive or dominant, I find that most 'true lifestyler' are simply being true to themselves. Their decisions are based upon what is correct for their cores. They do not develop this aspect of themselves but, rather, uncover it.

Nevertheless, once again, we see society telling us to go against what is natural. We are told that pursuing those feelings is wrong because to engage in that activity is a 'sin'. So people have a neurotic outlook regarding sex. At the same time, we are taught that there is one path to relationship happiness and that is the traditional one man and one woman. Forget everything outside of that. Homosexuality, bisexuality, and polyamorous relationships are all out. So, too is anything that deals with whips, chains, and paddles. This is not considered normal.

In conclusion, society is uptight about matters pertaining to sex. Remember this the next time you have the urge to tell someone of your alternative lifestyle. They will not be as accepting as you might think. Power exchange is not something that most are taught. Of course, and this is a final swipe at the world religions, what other organization has historically been as sexually biased towards woman and implemented a more rigid power breakdown? Hypocrisy is the word that comes to mind. But, again, that is a different subject altogether.

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There Will Be Nobody Else

2011-03-11T15:54:00.000-08:00

How many times have I heard this from someone when their BDSM relationship suddenly goes belly up? It seems that so many envision life with 'Master' only to see it end abruptly. This leads them to exit the lifestyle completely since nobody can 'the one they love so much'.

Juvenile Stage Revisit

I wish I had some experience in counseling teenagers because I am sure I would see the similarities between these individuals and the jilted BDSM folks. The only problem I have is that teenagers are experiencing their first attempts at relationships and love. People I interact with are often in their 30s or 40s behaving in this manner. Honestly, it is sad to see.

My only conclusion is that many of these individuals are dealing with a good case of puppy love. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, it is used to describe our early relationships. During our youthful years, when experience is limited, we fall head over heels for the first person we interact with in a loving, physical manner. It is heaven on Earth. The entire planet revolves around this person. Our starstruck lover cannot envision life without this person. Of course, in 99% of the cases, the balloon is often popped. Reality hits home when the other person leaves us for another. Puppy love is part of our growth process. It helps us learn the realities of intimate relationships.

For whatever reason, it seems that people involved in the BDSM world are often reliving their innocent years. Sadly, most of these people experience the same 'heartbreak' that our overzealous teenager went through. Life will cease to exist for them if 'Master' (or slave) is not there. This person is the true one for them....the answer to all his/her dreams.

What is sad is often these people have limited interaction with this person. I see so many who fall in love after only a few short days. While I will cede that it is possible to fall from someone very quickly, most will be well served to realize that relationships take time to develop. One really does not have much of a relationship after a week. That is simply life. Until people exchange ideas, experiences, and interact in meaningful ways, there is little to be emotionally attached to. Of course, most realize this in the traditional world. But, as soon as individuals enter the BDSM arena, all that life experience goes out the window. And thus, we are left with an immature lover with the same outlook of a 15 years old.

Commitment To The Life

BDSM can be the answer for many people and the solution for what they are looking for. When one says that he or she found what was missing in this life, I can believe that person. However, it is important to be dealing with things in the proper order. Most seem to want to take the path which reverses things. This is what I believe to be true whenever someone utters the words in this title of this post.

In my book, An Owned Life, I mentioned the three step formula for BDSM success. I found that those who are truly happy with this particular way of life first commit to the life itself. This must be done. Those who try to approach this in another order will find themselves confronted with the choice returning to the vanilla world.

The typical approach is to try this lifestyle on like one would a pair of shoes. So many get involved in relationships with others immediately after finding out this way of life exists. The problem is that our new person has no clue what it is about. He or she does not take the time to search within oneself to determine what fits and what does not. Instead, he or she enters into a relationship which means the other person becomes the deciding factor. In the case of our starstruck juvenile (revisited), the partner becomes the end all to the lifestyle. Once again, this life cannot be lived without that person.

What most fail to realize is that most relationships ultimately end. Marriage, which is a life long commitment, now cease at a clip of about 60%. There are millions of people out there with 2, 3, and 4 ex-spouses. Add that to all the past boyfriends and/or girlfriends and you see how many relationships result in separation. The difference is that in the traditional world people are committed, in most instances, to their dating/sexual orientation. Just because the first 'love' fizzles, that does not mean that our young person ceases to interact with the opposite sex. The fact is, that after a period of time, this individual does get back into the dating scene. The commitment was to living life a particular way, not the other person.

Nevertheless, the BDSM world is full of people who will proclaim they will never 'serve another'. This is childish outlook which tells a couple of things. To start, it reveals that one has not thoroughly explored what is going on within him or her. Submissiveness, as an example, is not something that one does but, rather, who one is. It is a revelation that is not dependent upon another person. If it is, I surmise it is probable that this person will exit when the present relationship does end.

Another thing that is telling is the maturity with which our new person approach this lifestyle. Sadly, most fall into the adolescent category as opposed to adult. The immaturity within this way of life is astounding. Here is no exception. Most tend to toss any common sense out while proclaiming this is it. Yet, when it falls apart, our heart torn lover is left with nothing. The only choice is to take another attempt at the traditional lifestyle. Of course, a lack of fulfillment in that arena usually was the cause for one to seek this way of life.

The bottom line is that one needs to commit to this life first. If you are one who feels that you cannot life in the BDSM world without the person you are with, I would suggest you inquire within yourself why are you are here to begin with. People are fallible. Life happens. Individuals change and move on. Circumstances get in the way. If you believe that what you have will be there in 20 years, especially if it is within the first few weeks, you are most likely mistaken. The statistics simply do not bear this out. Prepare yourself for the day when your present situation changes. What will you do? Are you one who says that I will never be involved in this without him (her)? If so, I would strongly suggest you look at the vanilla life and how you will find fulfillment. The reason I say this is basic: because this is where you are headed unless you are committed to living this way of life first and foremost. I have seen it too many times.

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Slut Does Not Equal Slave

2011-03-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

So many equate the idea of being a slut to that of being a slave. If it were only that easy. The world of difference between a slut and a true slave is too large to describe. Nevertheless, I will touch upon some of the highlights in an effort to clarify this misconception.

Sex Slave

I once told a girl that the mindset of a slut came natural to her....the mindset of a slave was what she needed to work on. Her entire adult life was spent either thinking about screwing or getting screwed. This was not a problem for this woman. She knew how to accomplish this end. It was the mindset of living totally as another one's property that threw her.

So many mention the idea of living as a sex slave. To them, this is what it is all about. They equate slavery with being screwed every which way. Many will cite the fantasy of being shared by the Master with all his friends. Of course, my first question is what does he get out of it? Certainly there are many who are into that and like to see slaves used by others. However, the one with this fantasy (the slave) is interjecting her wishes and desires as opposed to considering what a Master would like. What if she is with one who doesn't want that? Did this ever occur to our willing slave?

The answer is 'no'. It seems a person of this ilk is drawn to this lifestyle because she wants to be used by multiple people. Sexual submission is what she is after but only for what she receives. She wants to slut around. It is that simple. Now bear in mind I am not stating there is anything wrong with this approach. My point is that it is not the mindset of a slave. One who wants to be used sexually is into sexual exploration. There is a difference.

Slave Knowledge

Being a slave is not an overnight affair. I have utmost respect for those who are able to adopt the mindset of a slave because I know how difficult it is to achieve. There is a great deal more than one believes when he or she encounters this lifestyle. Living totally for another person is something that goes against the basic nature of an individual. The human ego resists this adoption at every turn. We are taught to consider ourselves and how things affect us. A slave has a completely different outlook.

Sex is only the proverbial tip of the iceberg when it comes to submission. Giving your life over to another means that everything is on the table. What is yours is his. It is that simple. All decisions rest with him. Therefore, the domination entails all aspects of life. A slave does not receive even the most basic of freedoms without permission. Children have more latitude than a slave. For example, they can go to the bathroom when nature comes calling. A slave often needs to ask permission. Another example is in the financial arena. Did you consider what it is like to have no money of your own? All assets acquired are his. This is the nature of the beast. Thus, if you are seeking to live as a slave, remember that anything purchased needs to be with his approval.

A slave needs to adopt a completely selfless mindset. For many, this can take years. It is a slow process. As mentioned, the ego cries out loudly against this. Those who believe that sexual submission is all there is to it are mistaken. That is the easy part. Just because one is submissive, that does not make her a slave. Many choose the D/s lifestyle because M/s is too difficult to achieve. The vast percentage are better suited to live that way. They have the basic desire to submit yet still want to maintain some control. This is a better fit for people of this nature.

Being a slut only require the willingness to get used sexually. To be a slave, one is required to be used in any way the Master sees fit. Please try to understand the difference.

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Online Know-It-Alls

2011-03-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

The Internet is a central piece of our lives in the 21 st century. This medium has altered how we communicate. BDSM, being involved in the real world, is no exception to this change. Our lifestyle has moved from an underground idea to something that is a bit more mainstream. Ultimately, I feel it was the Internet which moved us to the forefront.

Double-Edged Sword

We see both the good and the bad with the Internet. The positive aspect is that we have the ability to interact with people from all over the world. In years past, the BDSM connections were limited to local munches that were advertised in some of the non-mainstream publications. The society was much more closed at that time with an invite often being required. People commonly referred single people to others in an effort to help facilitate connections. In short, it was a difficult road to travel.

At the same time, the standard was higher in the sense that one knew whomever was involved was genuine to this way of life. People were truly 'lifestyle' in the sense that this was not something they played with. The difficulty in meeting and interacting with others meant that few were playing games. One's approach was that of sincerity and openness since the need to protect oneself was not as great. Certainly, safety in scenes was always a concern. However, one did not question the validity of a dom or sub that was encountered at a munch.

The Internet radically altered that landscape. Today, we are more visible. This enabled many more people to find this way of life who previously would be precluded. A distinct advantage was gained by everyone in the community by this widespread acceptance. The anonymity of this medium enables people to be open about who they are without jeopardizing their 'vanilla' situations. We are opening the minds of many people who are now realizing the wonderful benefits to this life.

Sadly, this came with a major price. It is a simple fact that one has no clue who he or she is dealing with when interacting online. The same anonymity which protects one from the outside world also enables one to hide from those of us inside the lifestyle. Many create facades which in no way resemble who they are. A persona can be created in a matter of minutes. It is that easy. Of course, those who are experienced often are able to see through these games. However, the newer people do not have the same advantage. The bottom line is that everyone needs to be approached with a degree of suspicion because it is truly impossible to know who is on the other end of the World Wide Web.

Know-It-Alls

Another drawback to the Internet is that it gives everyone a voice. Of course, on the surface this is a terrific thing to have happen. Today, we are exposed to the opinions and viewpoints of many people. This can be most helpful to those seeking knowledge. The experience of others is invaluable to a newer person first approaching this lifestyle. For that reason, we welcome all input.

Nevertheless, there is a price to be paid. The online world does not discriminate. By that I mean that nobody is screened regarding their credentials. Anyone can express their opinions in open forums. Many are skilled at making it appear to be experience. However, just because one states it, that does not make it correct. There is a great deal of misinformation that is transmitted out there. And, sadly, people take it as fact.

A big part of the problem is the 'online know-it-alls'. There are those who are regulars on forums and posting sites who pass their knowledge off as gospel. While much of the information might be accurate, the truth is that oftentimes these individuals are nothing more than parrots. The Internet is full of people who do nothing more than read what is posted on other sites and transmit this to others. I, personally, have seen my posts cut and pasted under the name of another. While this is helpful in a text book fashion, in an ongoing dialogue it is worthless since the individual is expressing no experience.

As was mentioned before, just because one states it, that does not make it true. I see so many who call themselves 'slaves'. They proclaim to be living in a M/s relationship. However, this might not be accurate. Some believe that it is up to an individual(s) to live as they see fit. I agree with that idea. But, I do not agree that everything is open to interpretation. For example, to be a M/s relationship, there needs to be a Master and a slave. In my opinion, to qualify as a slave, one must be submissive. This simple fact seems to elude many of those online. If you read what they write, it appears they are the ones in control of their relationship. This is not what submission is about. Yet these same 'slaves' will spend hours online counseling others. Absurdity at its finest.

Another situation we encounter is the 20 something crowd who states they have a ton of experience. Seriously, how many people find this lifestyle at the age of 14 or 15. While I acknowledge there are a few, most do not find it until their late 20s or 30s. We simply do not start the search until we have enough realization that the traditional path doesn't work. This takes time. A decade of experience cannot be smashed into a year or two. It is impossible.

Nevertheless, the online world has the know-it-alls who are barely out of college stating what is fact and fiction. They espouse all their wonderful experience. Of course, their present relationship is referred to continually as what the standard is. There are never any problems with them. Everything is peaches and cream. This is the first sign that these people are not dealing in reality. Relationships of any kind are difficult. A BDSM relationship is no exception. Sadly, these people do not point this fact out.

The bottom line is that any information you encounter needs to be cross-referenced with other ideas that are out there. Whenever you are interacting with someone, search out all he or she wrote. Read the words and concepts espoused over a period of months or years. Is there consistency or not? Does what this person says make sense? Do not overlook the value of commonsense in filtering out the crap. If one says she is 23 yet has a decade of BDSM experience, how likely is that? Ask yourself these questions. They will save you a lot of emotional turmoil.

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'Accept Me As I Am'

2011-02-21T09:13:00.000-08:00

I was speaking with a local Master over the weekend. Him and I were 'comparing notes' on the lifestyle. One thing that came up in the conversation was the idea that many slaves have that a Master should 'accept her as she is'. Of course, this concept did not go over very well with either of us.

Before going further, I will state that this guy I was talking with is an 'old timer'. He is around this way of life for more than 40 years. While I acknowledge that time does not necessarily mean that one knows anything, the truth is there is no replacing experience. And this gentlemen has a great deal of it.

TPE

One fundamental idea of mine about the M/s lifestyle is that it is based upon TPE. Many seem to take this notion as incorrect. However, this is what I feel separates M/s from a standard D/s relationship. Under the D/s scenario, the submissive maintains some control over what occurs in her life. This is not the case when one elects to life M/s. Here we have a lifestyle which all power resides within the hands of the Master. The breakdown of power is very clear.

Without this power structure, I feel one is engaging in more of a role play scenario. While this is wonderful if it is what one is truly seeking, the truth is that many want to live the extreme control dynamic for real. This means that both commit to an unequal relationship in this area. My experience is that few can truly live this way of life. But, for those that do, they understand what I am about to comment upon.

Total Power

When one has total power over another, that means that all decisions are based upon what he (she) thinks. That is the advantage to living in such an arrangement. Quite simply the slave exists for the pleasure and benefit of the Master. Everything falls under this domain. Anything is subject to his (her) approval.

This brings up the point of the 'accept me as I am' philosophy. To start, I sense that anyone who is proclaiming this does not have the proper mindset to be a slave. Sure she (he) might well be submissive. However, a person who believes this is better suited for a D/s relationship. In that scenario, one has the preference to make that statement. In M/s, it goes against the grain.

Fundamentally, the notion that a Master needs to 'accept' something about a slave without the ability to change it is wrong. A slave knows that all of her (him) is for Master. This is the basic essence of the M/s interaction. The exchange of power means that he is free to alter whatever he does not like about a slave. This is an expectation that any true Master has.

Whether it is weight loss, hair color, or career choices, a slave is not the one who decides that. Once a person enters into a M/s relationship as a slave, she gives up the option of making her own choices. Remember this before you get involved in something that is too much for you to handle. There is nothing wrong with living in a D/s relationship if that is what you are suited for. Better to be happy (and safe) then try to attain a level one is not designed for.

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Complete Morons

2011-02-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

Today we will have a bit of a rant about the intelligence level of our community. It is sad but the BDSM world is full of people who have no sense whatsoever. For years I have pondered why this is. The only explanation I can conjure up is because we are the 'last house on the block' for many.

Unable To Take Care of Themselves

How many people do we encounter in this lifestyle who can truly take care of themselves? Honestly. Consider that question for a while. It is something that is really worth exploring in detail. I undertook this expedition and was amazed what I found.

The truth is that few who we meet, especially online, are capable of providing for themselves. Most of the people suffer from so many things that it is almost impossible to straighten out. It is easy to see why most BDSM relationships fail in a short period of time. The majority of these people have absolutely no business being in a relationship whatsoever. Instead, they belong in therapy dealing with their emotional issues.

Before going any further, I will state that the statements I am making apply equally to those who are dominant as well as the submissive ones. It might be taken that only the submissive suffer from some of the ailments I am going to mention. That is not the case. Those who proclaim to be 'dominant' have just as many hang ups.

Immaturity

To start, the BDSM world has to be the most immature group of people I ever encountered. The whimers are so commonplace that it is a rarity to encounter one who accepts responsibility for what transpires. These people are like schoolchildren who have their pails taken in the sandbox. They scream and cry in an effort to get recognized. Of course, they also want justice. Nevertheless, until an adult shows up, the tantrum persists.

How often do we see this online? There are so many who behave in this exact manner. They are simply to immature to deal with real time interaction. Thus, they head to the virtual reality only to expose themselves as inept in this arena also. Few seem to know how to behave in a responsible, adult manner. Instead they whine about everything. If you doubt this statement, simply ask anyone who has moderated a BDSM site. You will be surprised about the stories you are told. Sadly, it is not all the new people doing the complaining. The old timers seem to be just as ornery about things.

Common Sense

Another reason that I conclude that most are simply complete morons is because they lack common sense. This is the natural ability to think through things in a sensible way. Nevertheless, I interact with so many who seem to lack the skillset to even get out of the rain without written instruction.

My favorite example is the subbie/slave who tells me 'Master does not like questions'. I cannot tell you the number of times I asked a person of this ilk about her Master, the one that she is going to move her kids in with, only to get this response. So, let me get this straight: you are going to move your family without knowing anything about the person you are move to? Duh. Are you stupid? Once again, common sense goes out the window.

Another one is believing all that one is told online. Here again, this applies to the dominants as much as the submissives. The truth is that the online world is an anonymous venue. People hide behind this reality and create whatever persona he or she wants. I once heard of a girl who has 18 collars. Now I am certain that at least a few of those 'Masters' believed what they had with this woman was real. They swallowed what she said hook, line, and sinker.

Common sense mandates that one take a lot of what is said with a grain of salt. Sure you can give people the benefit of the doubt. But do not take what they say as gospel. Also, if you find that one is 'attacking you', get over it. The truth is that most of the people you meet are nothing more than characters on a computer screen. Your interaction with them will never be more than that. So accept that as the reality of life.

Neurotic

Finally, most simply are neurotic. They have no dealt with psychological issues that are causing them emotional harm today. People seem to think that burying what happened is a way of dealing with it. That is not true. Unless one addresses the underlying issues of one's past, nothing will change.

For example, many on the submissive side tend to be heavy. Why is this? Well, in my interaction with numerous submissive types over the years, I learned that sexual abuse is also commonplace among people within this lifestyle. Therefore, many seem to deal with their abuse of the past by making themselves unattractive to others. This is a common psychological response to an unresolved issue such as this. Until one deals with the underlying neurosis, nothing will change.

Another area that is way off seems to be in regards to self esteem. People involved in BDSM tend to be always trying to compensate for poor self image. Again, we can point to the weight issue as one sign. Another is the pure arrogance on the part of dominants. These people are compensating for the fact that they truly think poorly of themselves. The idea of having someone to 'boss' around sits well with them. Of course, they do not have the ability to be responsible in this position. Those who are in a charge while having poor esteem tend to be abusive. Hence why there are so many horror stories that arise.

The bottom line is that it takes maturity, smarts, and commitment to make a BDSM relationship work. And, in my experience, there are so few who are able to operate at this level. I believe that looking at one's track record will yield signs as to his or her ability to succeed in this area. Sadly, most people you will encounter online do not have a stellar past. Keep this in mind when you are thinking about making a serious commitment to someone.

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Emotional Control=Maturity

2011-02-08T16:13:00.001-08:00

Why do I title this post in this manner? Simple. Because a lack of emotional control equals immaturity. And that is what most in this lifestyle seem to major in. There are so many who behave in ways that is reminding of a toddler. I can picture some of these people sitting in their high chairs crying and tossing their food across the room. That is the behavior of many that I see, especially online.

Acting Like An Adult

Do you remember when two children would be on the playground playing in the sandbox when a fight would break out over the pail or shovel? The ensuing melee was filled with 'mine. mine. mine.' Of course, once the parental units arrived, it was explained to the youths that sharing was the proper way to interact. This concept was promptly met with 'but. but. but'. Eventually, either the child saw the wisdom on the adult viewpoint (usually after an explanation about leaving if the attitude didnt change) or the parent snatched the child out of the sandbox thus ending the day's festivities.

Another image that I want to conjure up is the child who is angry. Have you ever seen a 7 or 8 year old throw a temper tantrum? It is rather comical when you think about it. The child's face turns all shades of red, tears start flowing, the voice raises up to rock concert decibels, and things are thrown. Of course, the adult in the situation meets this tantrum with calm and force. Any mature person knows that it is a losing proposition to escalate and match the person who is out of control. Mature people behave like adults when dealing with children.

However, what happens when adults behave like children? The aforementioned examples might bring a smile to your face but it is easy to envision adults behaving in a similar manner. And, this is especially true among the BDSM crowd (although I really don't think them any different from the norm). The level of immaturity that I witness, especially online, is astounding. It is almost like dealing with a bunch of children. Now I know who pre-school teachers feel.

Control One's Fear

Behind all lack of emotional control is fear. Fear affects people in different ways. However, one thing that is universal is that fear spreads like a cancer. It causes people to go on the offensive. Battles take place online amongst people who never met with the same vigor that the Hatfields fought the McCoys. When you step back and realize the insanity of that behavior, you begin to understand the childishness of it all.

How important it is to be right? If you monitor the online activities, you are led to believe that being right is the most important thing in the world. People are continually having to save 'face'. This is a fear based action which we also see present in real life. Reputation is something that people place a great deal of concern upon. Sadly, this is just another way of saying that one places great weight on what others think. Once again, we see the child from within arising.

Emotional control means that one is able to rise above the situation and see it from afar. Truthfully, what does it matter what people think and write online. Being an author I can tell you people have panned my ideas in the most venomous of ways. Do I lose any sleep over it? Not in the least. When I write, the people who get enjoyment out of it are the ones that benefit. The others? Well they can just jump in a lake.

If I wanted to, I could engage in fearful thinking by considering how much my reputation is affected by those who disagree with me. This would lead me to believe that I needed to 'correct' them and show everyone how much smarter I am. Of course, this all would lead to a vicious cycle that is never ending. Ultimately, the one who would suffer is me.

Taking a mature approach to these situations is the only way to control the fear. Fear is cunning. It will take over without one noticing. Emotional control is how one stands out. Rising above the commotion while maintaining sanity is what gives one power. Online, the bar is set low in this regard. The behavior of the masses within the BDSM community shows that most lack the emotional ability to be involved with people in general. This is a statement I make after years of observation.

So, when you see me write about growth, sometimes I am referring to something as simple as 'growing up'.

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Revisiting the Basics

2011-02-05T06:39:00.000-08:00

Every so often, no matter how long one is around, it is always good to reexamine the basics. This applies to all aspects of life but is also very important in the BDSM world. There are many things that need to be looked at periodically. Here are just a few that I like to review.

The Lifestyle:

Why did I choose this life? What about it interested me initially and does that same reasoning hold? If not, are there other motivations for living my life as I do?

The truth is there are many forces in daily life which can pull us away. At times the thoughts of 'maybe I am better suited for the vanilla world' goes through all of our minds. This is especially true when one is unattached and alone. It is far easier to stay connected when one is interacting with others in the lifestyle. The normal world simply does not understand us. Plus, there are different pressures and criteria for judging when we intermingle with the day-to-day people. This can cause us to lose sight of what is important.

Relationship:

If you are in a relationship, perhaps it is best to go back to the basics with this person. It is human nature for things to get stale without effort. We all have a tendency to fall into routine (read rut). This leads to us taking things (others) for granted. I personally am guilty of this offense in numerous occassions. It is best to revisit the fundamentals of your relationship to reinvigorate the spice.

Submission/Domination:

Both submission and domination require effort. Even though these are natural desires which reside within each of us, there are certain skills which go along with it. It is imperative that we remember what it is that got us to the place that it did. As a dominant, it is easy for me to get lazy and start acting like a bossy asshole. I need to continually remind myself that fear is an awful tool to use to dominate. At the same time, while I might have the respect of one and the authority over her, I can easily lose the power. My ability to dominate is dependent upon my ability to grow. Failure to grow means I will descend backwards.

Techniques:

There are basic techniques associated with all we do. Perhaps one is a little rusty on his/her rope tying skills (or never had them to begin with). This is where going back to the basics can be helpful. Revisit the different areas of play that you engage(d) in and go through all important factors. Approach it like you are new person learning these things for the first time. After some time, flogging or whipping become second nature to us. With that 'expertise' can also come laziness. For example, are you attentative to 'wraparound' as you are scening. I know when I first started using a whip, this was a major concern for me (because I was told to be attentive to this).

Safety is always a top priority to us. Have you reviewed your safety techniques of late. How is the first aid kit? Does it have all the things you will need for proper aftercare? Are needles and blades old and rusty? Do they need replacing? Are you in need of a revisiting of the medical book to see where the sensitive (i.e. dangerous) parts of the body are?

The Eastern philosophies tell us that mastery is achieved only through mastery of the basics. It is easy for us to overlook some of the things that are second nature to us. However, as was stated, it is best for everyone to reconsider all these things. If you do that, the BDSM experience will take on a (re)new(ed) meaning.

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Types of Beatings

2011-02-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to discuss the different types of beatings and explain how they apply or do not apply to the BDSM lifestyle. Many seem to believe that the physical act of beating another is what is the deciding factor. It is not. Instead we need to look at the motivation behind the activity. This is what determines whether it is appropriate or not.

As always safety is the primary concern. There are three different classifications of beatings in my experience. Only one truly deserves to be involved in the BDSM arena. The other two exhibit emotional issues which need dealing with.

1. Abuse

This is a simple one to see. Abuse is consider a beating that does not have an intended purpose other than to harm the other person. This is done by a person who lacks emotional control (i.e. rage). BDSM world or not, abuse is unacceptable regardless of the arena. I heard some proclaim that since a slave is property she is subject to abuse. This is incorrect.

We should be as intolerant of physical abuse as the rest of society. Those who feel the need to use the BDSM world as a guise for their behavior should be exposed as frauds and fakes. These people are despicable at every level.

2. Emotional Release

The second beating is one where a sub/slave requires an emotional release. This is another category that I would say is not part of the BDSM lifestyle. While there is a benefit for the person receiving the beating, I feel that harm is done at the psychological level. A person who is engaging in this behavior is usually the physical pain to alter her emotional space. This shows one lacks the ability to properly handle what is going on in her life.

BDSM is a lifestyle for those who are psychologically and emotionally able to handle it. There are many who try to enter this way of life who are suffering from traumatic experiences in the past. Before entering into a BDSM relationship, it is often best for these types to get the proper counseling beforehand. Sadly, few seem to take that approach. Instead they use this method as a way of avoiding whatever is taking place within themselves. Part of the growth process is developing emotionally so that one is a strong person.

3. Pleasure/Pain

This is the final beating and the one that is commonly misunderstood by outsiders. The truth is there are many who receive great pleasure by experiencing a lot of pain. To them, a beating of this sort is refreshing. They simply love it. Many love the feel of the accessories as they strike the bare skin and the sting that ensues. Pain lovers are often sexually stimulated by the feelings instilled through a beating of this nature. This is what commonly happens in the BDSM world.

Another factor of this is the punishment beating. I will state that we need to distinguish between a punishment and abuse. There are times one is paddled for wrongful actions which in no ways nears the boundaries of abuse. Discipline is a part of our life. However, as with children, the difference between abusing and disciplining a child is obvious. The outside world sees it all as abuse yet we who live in this manner know it is not.

In summary, not all beatings are created equal. There is a proper way to approach one when using physical techniques such as these. Nevertheless, the mental motivation is crucial as to why one is engaging in this activity. Anything other than the pleasure/pain dichotomy is inappropriate. That is not BDSM.

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Fear-Based 'Masters'

2011-01-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

Here is an email that I received on my Facebook page:

"hello Dennis , i really want to accept you friend request but i cant as i have a Master that does not allow me to accept requests from men ."

Isn't that too bad. Her 'Master' doesn't allow here to accept friend requests from men. Anytime I see this it makes me wonder why that is? What is this incredibly talented example of domination afraid of? Why is his insecurity meter reading 'extreme' when he is such a worthy specimen of the lifestyle.

My answer is that he isn't. Now, I will preface by saying I do not know this man. Therefore, all conclusions are made based upon the general tendencies I have witnessed for years. This is my disclaimer stating that I might be wrong about this dude but I doubt it. Experience is on my side on this one.

Fear of Challenge

The greatest fear that most people who claim to be dominants in the lifestyle have is that they might get challenged. What I mean by this the greatest percentage of people one sees who proclaim to be 'Masters' actually have no clue about what this lifestyle means. Instead, they prey upon the ignorance of newer people. Since they failed to take the time to learn what domination is all about, they use different tactics to ensure their control. These people are not Masters but abusers. It is that plain and simple.

By the way, if you are one who has a Master who does not allow you to interact with others, take that as a sign that you are dealing with a fake. Isolation is one of the most popular techniques of people of this ilk. Those who say they don't want a sub/slave interacting with Dominants (i.e men in most instances) are exhibiting their fear and insecurity. Honestly, does he think that someone is going to steal you away from him. If that is a probable outcome, then I would say that there is a problem in the relationship to begin with.

The Best

Maybe I am off base on this, but as a dominant within the lifestyle, I take the approach that I am the best Master. While many of you will take this to be arrogant, I believe it is the mindset that every true Master has. Now, do not mistake this for believing that I am perfect, that I do not make mistakes, or that I cannot learn more. The truth is that I am human and do not have all the answers. However, I have an inner confidence that tells me that I am at an elevated state within this lifestyle.

I compare this to a professional athlete. Tiger Woods believes he is going to win every golf tournament he enters. Cliff Lee thinks he is going to win each time he takes the mound. Lebron James does not believe anyone can stop him from scoring. Of course, everyone who is competing against these players feels the same way. That is why you see few backing down at this level. The internal confidence reins in all they do.

Again, does that mean these athletes do not work on their craft? No. Oftentimes the greatest athletes spend the most time practicing. The same is true in the BDSM world. I have spent a lot of time studying all the different aspects of human nature and domination. Physical control is the easiest aspect to master. This only requires being able to instill fear-something the abusers excel at. However, true Mastery of another person requires first mastering oneself. And this takes years to develop.

Fear Enters All We Do

The problem with fear is that is it like a cancer. Those who are insecure and full of self-doubt are constantly driven by fear. My reasoning for pointing out the email at the beginning is because this exemplifies how fear operates. Here we have a 'Master' who refuses to allow his slave to interact with other Doms (men). What is his reasoning? Because he is afraid that someone will come in and steal her away. It is that simple. This is a inherent confidence issue men have that dates back to the beginning of time. Of course, the BDSM world takes it to another level since since the online world is full of so many morons who will not respect the fact that someone is owned.

Which brings me to another point in this discussion. I have heard the counterclaim that the reason one does not allow his sub/slave to interact with other men is because of all the trollers out there. I don't but this argument for a second. Two things come to mind when I hear this. To start, it shows that one has no confidence in a sub/slave's ability to tell someone else to get lost. The truth is that most sites have the ability to block those who get unruly. Also, many site administrators will ban those who carry things too far. A simple email will result in the person being warned. This can take care of a great portion of the meatheads you encounter.

Naturally, this will not result in all. And that is the second point: secluding one with an order that she cannot interact with men will not stop people of this ilk. They have no regard for the lifestyle or what others say. Therefore, the only thing one is doing is showing himself to be fear-based and allowing the circumstances of the online world to take control. Not masterly behavior if you ask me. But then again, these people aren't worthy of being called Master in my opinion.

As you can see, fear is a powerful force that we all need to deal with. However, those who want to live as Masters had better take control of it or they are going to fail. Fear will consume you and make you look foolish in the eyes of others, especially the one you own. Be forewarned.

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